4.7 Positive Internalization

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The purpose of externalization is to remove all the internalized subconscious inadequacy. As well as removing the bad feelings, we can also add some good feelings to the subconscious too, to balance it out. By intentionally internalizing positive feelings, which contradict feelings of inadequacy, you can reduce the subconscious inadequacy.

This is the basis behind positive affirmations. You may have come across people who advise standing in the mirror and exclaiming ‘I am beautiful’/’I am strong/’I am capable’/’I can do it’ etc. By repeating a certain phrase over and over again, you attempt to shift it from your conscious mind to your subconscious mind, so that it then drives your behaviours without you even thinking about it.

The purpose of positive affirmations is to attempt to reprogram the subconscious with supportive feelings. Even if it’s imaginary, it doesn’t matter. Subconscious inadequacy forms from imaginary scenarios. It is the imagination which leads you to believe that you are not good enough. It is the imagination which makes you feel worthless. The imagination also has the power to do the opposite – to make you feel good enough. Mental beliefs are so powerful that they matter as much as real things – and imagining positive situations can reverse subconscious inadequacy.

Positive affirmations are a weak way of doing this, in my opinion. They’re also a bit silly (to me), which doesn’t help you to believe what you’re saying. Furthermore, they may border on irrational. The most important part of internalization is that you believe it. Studies have shown that positive affirmations can actually be detrimental when you don’t believe them! It might work for some people, perhaps in addition to other things, but it’s not something I can personally vouch for, at least not in my experience. In order to internalize positive feelings, you must believe them, and exclaiming things that you don’t think are true is probably not the best way to do that.

A better technique is to intentionally seek positive memories which make you remember good parts of yourself, and replay them in your mind. By reliving those memories, and seeing yourself in that positive light, you help to internalize this more positive perception of yourself. It’s the opposite of the negative internalization we spoke about in stage 2, where we relive and dwell on painful memories which internalizes a sense of inadequacy. This time, we’re choosing to dwell on good ones. By doing this, we internalize good feelings, and internalize a better (and more accurate) self-perception.

The reason why this works better than affirmations is because internalization is about feelings, not thoughts. Just like externalization, you can’t think your way around this. It’s about emotions. Positive affirmations are unlikely to make you feel good. You may even feel bad if you don’t truly believe what you’re saying! Memories however are true, and there’s no doubt about them. They’re impossible to deny and the feelings are easier to access.

Toxic shame makes you dwell on bad memories more than good ones. So, even it out! Think of yourself in a time where you did well, or a time when you felt pretty good about yourself. Relive that experience. Replay that memory in your brain.

It is by this same mechanism that inadequacy can ruin someone’s life too. By believing you’re inadequate, it can easily lead to real life results that make you even more inadequate. For example, believing you’re not good enough for a certain job will make you settle for a lesser job, and have a worse career. Believing you’re not good enough to get good grades in school will stop you from trying as hard, and you literally won’t be as intelligent. Then, these consequences confirm and reinforce the belief, and the cycle repeats itself.

The tendency to focus on the negative is what originally creates this downwards spiral, so in order to reverse it, make sure to stop focussing on the negative, and seek out more of the positive. Switch your beliefs about yourself so they more accurately represent you.

As Dr Maxwell Maltz writes:

‘Yet what do most of us do? We destroy our self-confidence by remembering past failures and forgetting all about past successes. We not only remember failures, we impress them on our minds with emotion. We condemn ourselves. We flay ourselves with shame and remorse (both are highly egotistical, self-centered emotions). And self-confidence disappears.’ – Dr Maxwell Maltz, Psycho Cybernetics (1960)

Another technique is visualization. This involves creating a mental picture of yourself as you wish to be, imagining it in detail, feeling how it feels, and repeating this as necessary. For example, you may visualize the opposite sex being attracted to you, or visualize friends genuinely enjoying your presence, or your parents, or see yourself excelling in a social setting. Visualize in detail – what are you feeling? What are you doing? What are you saying? By doing this, you again internalize different concepts which are more positive. Most importantly, by seeing the situation first in your mind, you open your mind to the possibility of achieving it. It works best when relaxed, when you’re more open to this.

‘If you have been shy and timid, see yourself moving among people with ease and poise and feeling good because of it. If you have been fearful and anxious in certain situations, see yourself acting calmly and deliberately, acting with confidence and courage, and feeling expansive and confident because you are. This exercise builds new “memories” or stored data into your midbrain and central nervous system. It builds a new image of self. After practicing it for a time, you will be surprised to find yourself “acting differently,” more or less automatically and spontaneously, without trying. This is as it should be.’ Maxwell Maltz, Psycho-Cybernetics (1960)

Be careful not to become attached to expectations when doing this. Do not visualize results or outcomes; visualize the process. For example, you shouldn’t visualize friends expressing their appreciation of you, or being in positions of success or fame; rather, visualize doing the acts that get you there. Visualize the process without attachment to the results. Visualize with freedom from the outcome, otherwise attachment to expectations will bring you down.

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Author(s) || Connor McGonigal

Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com

Article || 4.7 Positive Internalization

Date || Between May 21st and June 2nd, 2019

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contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]

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