5.0 Wrap Up & Future
This page was last modified: January 14th, 2023
Video TranscriptCongratulations, we have made it. Let’s go through a summary of everything we’ve learned. So we started by speaking about how this fetish is the erotic association of inadequacy. Porn is the ultimate cause of this for most people. Not all though. And if that will, if that’s not you, that’s fine, completely fine. But for most people, it is porn that pushes you in this direction. inadequacy builds up through internalizing shame. This is the main way in which inadequacy is, is strengthened over time, the original cause is in childhood. And of course, in many other areas like the way that we grow up our development. Culture, and expectations, and relationships all play a big role in this. This leads to disconnection with ourselves as a coping message mech mechanism, we disconnects with who we are. And that, of course, makes it very, very hard to heal ourselves because we don’t even have ourselves. And of course, control and release being one way in which we try to deal with this porn being the release. In fact, the Fetish really being just a release. So to stop this from getting worse, that’s the first step to stop it from getting worse, because we can’t actually heal this until we stop it from getting worse. So become aware of things that trigger inadequacy. This means things like culture and expectations and relationships, they’ll there will be people in your life that are quite critical, or just shaming people, you have to really be quite act proactive in stopping all of these things from affecting you. Especially culture, it tends to be a very big one and, and kind of, for some people, it seems almost unavoidable. But it is because it’s purely just a mental game. You just can’t let that affect you can’t let that have any effect on your self worth. That’s the key. Don’t, don’t attach your self worth to these external things. Prevent internalization, of course, internalization being the way in which shame is passed from the conscious to the subconscious. And of course, stop the control and release because the control and re release just continually make everything worse. The control and release by the way, is caused by the subconscious toxic shame. Obviously, that is what drives the controlled release. So to really stop the control and release, we do have to heal the subconscious at the same time, but the control and release tends to be quite addictive. Things like alcohol or just very hard to stop porn, obviously, we said it’s very hard to stop. So, this is something that we should be doing at the same time as the real healing which is on this last line here, we need reconnection with ourselves. And then finally externalization externalization is the real healing of this subconscious inadequacy, because externalization is the way in which it is coming out of the subconscious and back into the soul into the conscious sorry. So, let me take you through all the slides very, very quickly. In stage one, we started speaking about Pavlov and his conditioning. And how this affects fetishes. There was a little slide on doorknobs. And finally, in the conditioning side of things, we spoke about how the more you associate the Fetish with arousal, the stronger that association becomes, and porn conditions your brain into needing porn and you become desensitized. And to peel this just stopped watching porn. Then we spoke about the subconscious of course, being the main root of this fetishes or the way that the subconscious deals with pain. We turn painful subconscious feelings into pleasurable ones in order to counteract their powers over us. sexual fetishes are the brain’s attempt to work out trauma woundedness or some other associations from the past. This fetish specifically is about inadequacy, the subconscious pain of not being good enough. And we said how this is not some fixed part of you, but as you can see from the previous slides, it is a result of external circumstances and factors. So I don’t think I actually went through this slide because it’s, it’s very uncomfortable to go about but this was just the details of the Fetish and how it all just reinforces the inadequacy. Let’s skip, skip over that. The simplest way to heal in adequacy is to stop being inadequate. But of course that only heals the conscious side of inadequacy. Conscious inadequacy is anything that brings you shame. That’s how you can tell conscious inadequacy. Of course, we will always feel inadequate if we, if we keep our expectations high, because it never ends. As you can see, improvement is better than coping mechanisms for sure. But it never ends, you can never improve yourself to a point where you are good enough to heal the subconscious inadequacy, we can’t just stop being inadequate, because that only heals the conscious side. Now, if you do have areas of conscious inadequacy, it is very important to heal them as well. So with this action plan, we said, to heal the cause, try to stop watching porn. And to heal the core, talk to someone you’d like to talk to more. The reason for this is that when we have this sense that we’re not good enough, obviously, this is primarily a social problem. As I said in externalization, it’s very important to be really open and honest with people. But when we have this sense of being not good enough, and we become disconnected from other people, it’s very important to be more social. But also, it’s very easy to, to let people in our lives drift apart from us. And if we feel like we’re not good enough, we, we don’t make much effort to hold on to them, when really that’s what we truly want. And I just wanted you to watch out for that. So the final step here, just a little meditation, to focus on yourself just to bring your attention to your your body and to your feelings and through just to try and connect with yourself. Then we went into stage two. Of course, this is self reinforcing. It’s just one big spiral. The difference between conscious and subconscious shame is a very important point because conscious shame is very healthy. As I said conscious shame is the psychological foundation for humility. Subconscious shame is toxic. It’s the difference between saying I made a mistake and I am a mistake. And we want that healthy shame. We want to be able to say I made a mistake, we want to be able to say I am imperfect internalization, of course, is the way in which the conscious shame gets passed into the subconscious and it becomes a state of being internalization happens when repeated shame experiences are not given the attention they demand, we just stuffed them down, we ignore them, we don’t actually deal with healthy shame. We don’t admit to ourselves that we have healthy shame we, we try and avoid saying I made a mistake. And then it becomes a sense of I am a mistake, because we just don’t deal with it. We don’t acknowledge it. So make sure you give experiences in your life that bring your shame, make sure you give them the attention they demand. Reliving and dwelling on these experiences, though, that just increases the internalization that increases the sense that it’s a problem with us and with who we are, as opposed to a problem that all humans face because all humans are imperfect. And that, of course, is the foundation of self compassion is recognizing that all humans are imperfect, everyone makes us makes mistakes. And we should actually be very kind to ourselves. This book healing, the shame that binds you is a fantastic book. Control release. I think we’ve said enough about this. Obviously, porn sits there on the release side of things. And control triggers, release, release, triggers control and it’s all driven by shame. One way that we try and protect ourselves from this is just by disconnecting ourselves, and creating almost a full self, creating some sort of sense of trying to be perfect, trying to be what we think is good, trying to be what we think other people’s want people’s other people want us to be. So to heal this, we need to connect with ourselves actually give ourselves the time and attention that we need. We need to listen to ourselves, listen to what we need, and then give ourselves the time and attention to fulfill those needs. Not mindless indulgence. Of course you can’t just say oh, I need chocolate now. No. It’s taking care of yourself and possibly delaying gratification so that something else more conducive to your growth might take place. needs are way longer than this list. These were just the dependency needs, the needs that depend on others to fulfill them. And of course, after this, we spoke about nonviolent communication. Hopefully you went through that long video, and it was three hours. But that’s such an important thing in actually just connecting to our needs and helping other people to be able to meet our needs. So stage three, foundation of this is formed in childhood. Because of all of these factors here. This is called abandonment. We develop these survival mechanisms, we basically develop the sense that we are bad. And also not just because of abandonment, but just because of the way that we’re taught how to behave, we get the sense that we are not good enough, just as we are. When that’s formed in the first five years of our life, it becomes a paradigm in which we live the rest of our lives. Because that’s the most impressionable time in our lives. That’s when we form our paradigms of how we should act in this world. Then, of course, the developmental absence of masculine role models can be a massive factor in our masculinity. And in our sense of being a man expectations cause inadequacy culture, spoke about all the causes, their relationships are a troublesome area. Oh, my lovely slide on, on self understanding, and in connecting with yourself, and in making preference choices. We need to make personal preference choices to and look at how those preferences make you look. Finally, in the last stage of the course, porn has the ability to change your sexual desires, we become desensitized to dopamine because of really because of repeated porn usage. And then the important point on this slide is that it takes eight weeks for the Delta Force beta drain away, so that’s when it starts getting worse. So again, you can’t expect an overnight fix here, it’s not going to happen fast. But over time, unused pathways break down. And we eventually start feeling the urge, have to be patient with this have to be consistent, and something that’s going to help you and that is understanding habits, of course, and willpower. Try and remember, all these was the five of them, five factors of willpower, that being it’s finite, it does run out, it’s depleted at the end of the day. So that’s the most vulnerable time for you, it’s recharged by sleep. So get enough sleep, meditate and exercise and just try hard to use up all your willpower and eat healthier, avoid sugar, that’s going to help your willpower a lot. But if you struggle, surf the urge, focus on the urge and actually go into it. And recognize what’s going on and let go without giving in. Then this was more summarized, I’m not going to summarize the summary here, we have to connect with ourselves, of course feelings. Some people repress feelings, some people have a difficult relationship with their emotions. So identify that and see if that applies to you. But really, this is all about connecting with yourself and being attuned to who you are. And then accepting this. And to truly accept this, you have to bring this into the social environment, the best way to really be attuned to who you are, is to meditate externalization obviously, we’ve only just spoken about this. So I’m not gonna go over this again. But this is the main way in which you can actually bring everything inside out. So from all this, you should have hopefully realized that none of this is actually about changing who you are. This is about removing all the coverings that are preventing you from seeing this, that preventing your brain from realizing this. This is just about healing the subconscious this isn’t about changing you. So this can be quite overwhelming overwhelming. So where do we start first? The first thing that you need to do is stop this from getting worse. I’ve said this here. So we need to become aware of the things that trigger inadequacy, things like culture and expectations and relationships. We need to prevent internalization. And we also need to work on the control and release. And we should do that first. And it’s very important to stop this from getting worse but to actually heal, we need reconnection and externalization. If you’re not sure where to start, I’m going to tell you it actually doesn’t matter. You can start anywhere if you start on externalization which technically is probably the last Step, you can do that because this is a continual process. The process of externalization itself is continual, you should be doing this. I mean, it’s a very healthy thing to just do in life in the rest of your life to externalize and to, to open yourself up. So don’t worry if this is overwhelming. Start wherever you can. I recommend starting on the controlling release. But as I say, just connect with yourself. Realize that none of this is actually changing who you are. And, and good luck and I really mean that because this can be just such a life changing thing to go through. And I really hope that this helps helps you and helps you in your life and helps you realize exactly where you’ve been going wrong. And in the next, the next slide, I’m going to go one step deeper.
Effective learning involves going over the same point more than once. So that’s why it’s important to go through this video. This should hammer it home and keep this information in your brain.
Hopefully it’s not too overwhelming.
Congratulations on reaching the end!
If you’d like to help other people in the same position, please do send people to howtostopbeingacuckold.com. The concept of ‘Tell a friend’ doesn’t really work with this fetish because it’s mostly quite secretive and you probably don’t know your friends’ fetishes… but if you know any online forums or places where people could benefit from this, please make people aware of this. Awareness is the hardest thing, and there are so many people who need this, it causes a great amount of distress for so many people, and the self-hatred is the worst part. So if you want to pass on the good karma, get them to sign up on the homepage and I’ll take it from there 🙂
Spread the word!
It would help my mission greatly.
I wish you the very best in your life.
Author(s) || Connor McGonigal
Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com
Article || 5.0 Wrap Up & Future
Date || Between January 27th and November 14th, 2018
contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]