2.3 Control & Release
This page was last modified: January 14th, 2023
Video TranscriptSo when we have all of this toxic subconscious Shame, shame that’s been internalized. One of the things to understand is that this is incredibly painful. In fact, to the subconscious, it’s possibly the most painful thing that you can possibly feel, to feel like you are inadequate to feel shame about yourself, to feel that you are different or just not good enough, just as you are. It’s akin to complete failure as a human being, it’s incredibly painful, I think it can be quite hard to actually understand this truly in the conscious because it’s not entirely logical, but it is so incredibly painful to feel toxic shame. So when we have this massive, massive pain, we need ways of dealing with it. As I said before, the subconscious can eroticized these feelings and turn them into fetishes. And that is out this fetish forms. But we also have other ways of dealing with this, the most obvious way of dealing with this is escapism, ie just basically running away from our feelings, immersing ourselves in a different world. So something like TV, or films, or video games, or internet, or books, all of these things can be ways to just escape from our feelings. And just, again, immerse ourselves in a different world, especially with video games, you really do immerse yourself in a different world, and it can be incredibly addictive. We also get things like creative pursuits, so people can form this image that in the future, if there one day, a famous writer or a famous musician, or whatever, they whatever they want, then they’ll finally be good enough. And this kind of gives you hope. It gives you the hope that you have some control over this, right? That you can, you can fix this, I guess. And that’s what John Bradshaw calls a method of control. Way to control this feeling of toxic shame by basically giving yourself hope. Giving yourself hope that you can change this intellectualization is another method of escapism where you basically just means you think about everything on a kind of logical level or an analytical level, you think of everything instead of feeling. In fact, it’s an escape from feeling, to analyze everything, or to be to think critically, this is all just ways of escaping feeling and escaping being as well. So watch out for these things. On to the methods of control and release. Now release, porn is a release, this fetish is a release. What that means is, it’s a way to if you have this sense of toxic shame, it kind of comes from this feeling. This feeling that you’re not good enough, just as you are. And it’s almost like an acceptance of that. And then an indulgence in that. So when you feel like you’re not good enough, it’s like screw it, I don’t care anymore. You can get into things like overeating. This is a very common release, where if you believe that you’re not good enough, just as you are, you kind of stop caring, and you can just stuff your face with whatever you want. Because it doesn’t matter. And on the control side, you’d have things the Act actually the opposite. Things like dieting and exercise, if you improve your body, it’s like you have some control. It’s like maybe one day, if you improve it enough, maybe then you’ll be good enough. Of course, it doesn’t work like that. As we said, at the end of section one, I think it was you can never improve to a point where you’re good enough. Because it just doesn’t work like that. Working, or earning money is another control. People get very, very attached to their careers. Because it’s like, if they have a good career, if it’s good enough, maybe they’ll be good enough. If they earn enough money. If they become rich and successful, maybe then they’ll finally be good enough. cleaning and washing. Again, it’s like trying to have some control trying to be perfect. It’s really mental detailing. And scrupulousness The attention to detail basically trying not to do anything wrong. These are just ways to have control over this feeling that you’re not good enough, just as you are. On the more exotic side of things, puritanical, which is having or at least displaying a very strict moral attitude towards self indulgence. Again, it’s like if if I am so incredibly stoic that I don’t need pleasure. I’m some sort of superhuman, maybe there won’t be good enough. And Agoraphobia is more of an interesting one, which is the fear of open spaces or the fear of being in a situation where escape might be difficult or help wouldn’t be available if things go wrong. And on a more subtle level, it can just be manifested as just not really wanting to leave the house, just being more comfortable inside the house and not really wanting to go out of your comfort zone is very common. Again, if you feel that you’re not good enough, then it can manifest itself as as being like you can’t handle yourself in difficult situations. So people might avoid things like traveling, because they’re just scared again, this is just a form of agoraphobia, a very minor form, and psychosomatic illnesses. Very interesting one, this is an illness, which is in the body, it’s a physical illness, but it’s caused by the mind. These are basically methods of self improvement, at least the top half of these are. So again, it’s the concept of if you improve your and by the way, I should say, these are great things to do like dieting, exercise, great, for sure, work hard, definitely, and be clean. And, you know, do your best to not do anything wrong, but when it’s compulsive, and when it’s driven by this toxic shame, it never ends. You never get to a point where you’re good enough. But also, these are all shame spirals. So the more you diet, and the more you exercise, or the more you work, and the more money you earn. And then let’s say you earn some money. And then, of course, it doesn’t make you feel any different. Let’s say you get a slightly better body, it doesn’t actually make you feel any different on the subconscious level. This is just dealing with the conscious level, right. So when you get these things, and you don’t feel any different, well, that just reinforces the sense that this is part of you, this is a problem with you. It’s because you are inadequate, this just reinforces the inadequacy, but also control triggers release. So let’s talk about the release. What are the methods of release? Well, overeating, as I said, and this is in complete contrast to the other side. But if you just come from this sense of not being good enough, then you have full excuse to just eat whatever you want without caring, spending money, or gambling. This is again, the opposite of earning money. The concept behind this is that it just feels good to spend money. Even if you are being very financially irresponsible. It can feel good that gambling can give you a rush. Things like just Amazon just going on Amazon is addictive. Because it’s as if you’re, you can fill a hole inside you by buying things. That’s the concept behind this, that if you if you buy enough that if you get some nice clothes, or if you get some nice gadgets. Or if you get some nice things. Finally, then you’ll have what you want, then you’ll find what’s missing in your life, then you’ll be good enough. Of course porn comes in here, it’s a way to indulge in this sense of not being good enough sex also, and all sexual addictions fit in here. Excitement or emotional addictions, or abuse. Now when I say abuse, I think abuse is a very strong word. And people kind of shy away from this. But when I talk about abuse, it can be things like emotional abuse. A lot of guys will let their significant others, their spouse, their partners, they will let them just walk all over them and mistreat them and and manipulate them or just make them feel really bad. And the reason why they let this happen is because they have this sense that they’re not good enough just as they are. So they will let this happen, because they don’t believe that they deserve more really. And it can also manifest itself on the other side of the abuse sexual spectrum, ie being the abuser. Again, that can be very soothing to the soul of someone who has toxic shame. Righteousness is another very interesting one. It’s about just being right about everything or being right about one particular topic. So with something like politics or religion, if you have this feeling that your opinion is correct, Your belief is correct. And everyone else is wrong. No matter how true that is. This sense of righteousness is incredibly soothing when you believe that you’re not good enough, because it’s like well, at least you are good enough in that sense. At least you’re right on this topic. Alcohol and drugs, substance abuse is very, very common in men. This can also be a kind of way of escapism because you can alter your mind into being almost in a different world. Drugs also very common. But in this day and age, we’re actually seeing more legal drugs, things like nootropics. And, and smart drugs, things that can make you either focus more or have more energy or, or steroids actually can do this too. Again, this comes from on that side of things, it’s like if you, if you have enough focus, maybe then you’ll be better, maybe then you’ll be good enough. And drugs really are a way of escapism, as well as release. I put pitiful behavior here. What I mean by this is just anything that draws attention to yourself in a negative way. Anything that makes people feel sorry for you or have sympathy for you. This can be very common actually. And all of these are really methods of self harm. They are things that are not really conducive to your growth. There are ways of harming yourself
Porn is a release. We deal with toxic shame through control and release mechanisms. These are ways of trying to be better (driven by the sense that you need to be better) or indulging at the level of low self-worth.
I find agoraphobia to be very interesting – the fear of open spaces. It’s another way in which the subconscious tries to deal with inadequacy. Instead of turning it into pleasure, it tries to protect you by making you fear situations where you are forced to depend solely on yourself. Coming from this feeling of not being good enough, it prevents you from being truly independent because of a sense that you can’t cope on your own, because you’re fundamentally inadequate. It’s an extreme form of a thing that a lot of people might experience – a subtle fear of taking massive action, of going our own way, of doing exactly what we believe in, being a leader and projecting our vision on to the world – because of a sense that we’re not good enough. And this leads to underachieving, passivity and procrastination. Agoraphobia is just an extreme form of that. Quite interesting.
Identify your own methods of control and release, because this list is not all-inclusive. Maybe you’re compulsively funny. Maybe you’re drawn to positions of authority. Maybe you hoard. These are ways to control inadequacy. Maybe you indulge too much in material or physical pleasure – this can be a release. Maybe you don’t allow yourself any pleasure from an idea that you can transcend the limits of your own humanity – this is control.
Video TranscriptI should point out that self harm itself is a release as in physical self harm, you know, this is just a way to release this toxic shame. All of these methods, all of these things are ways of self harm and all the control things are methods of self improvement. And one of the things to really understand is that these trigger each other, when, when this is controlled by shame, driven by this toxic Shame, shame makes the control more rigidly demanding and unforgiving, and the release more dynamic and self destructive. The more intensely we control, the more we require the balance of release, and the more abusively or self destructively we release, the more intensely, we require control. These can lead to these characteristics. I’m gonna go through these very quickly. You can be the perfectionist, just doing everything perfectly, super achiever. You can come quite self righteous or critical or blaming or contemptuous patronizing, helping caretaking or saving in men, this is common with relationships, we kind of this is almost the nice guy stereotype. It’s when people think that their self worth is defined by how much they help other people, they can actually get a real sense of self worth from this by helping and caretaking. And I put saving, I mean, people get into relationships with girls that maybe on the best, but they have this vision that they can save them, they can fix all their problems, they can turn them around and make them amazing and it just it doesn’t work like that. And again, they can just be this on this side of things. They have this image that they’re the winner. And then on the other side the release side. They have a loss of self control. They will be an underachiever. Interestingly be an underachiever and a super achiever at the same time, be self centered, have emotional outbursts or denial or excuses or be unpredictable or be a loser. You shouldn’t be taking off all of these things. By the way, because this is quite a lot of things. Don’t expect to identify with every single one of these. I should just point that out. In the book healing the shame that binds you. The author John Bradshaw talks about his own eating and dieting cycle. He says I’ve personally groped with this disorder for years, I go through cycles of exercise good nutritional non sugar diets. And then usually after months of control ate a doughnut or a piece of carrot cake. Usually I do this while traveling It is then that my loneliness and vulnerability are most exposed. I usually reward myself for all the hard work I’ve done. Once I eat the sweets, then the release phase starts, I start obsessing on what I’ve done, I blown it now. I might as well eat some more. I’ll binge just for today and start like control tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes the sugar craves sugar. The mental obsessing keeps me thinking about sweets, and I’m often running into the release cycle. This cycle usually lasts until I start developing breasts, then I know it’s time to diet, exercise and give up sugar. Here as in all compulsive behavior, there is no balance. It’s all or nothing. And one of the interesting things that he says is that the mental obsessing keeps me thinking about sweets, and that’s intellectualization. So by being in your mind, and constantly thinking about either eating or not eating, you can distract yourself from your feelings. So what I want you to get from this is that these are all methods of dealing with this toxic subconscious shame. These are all ways of kind of either trying to control it, try and give yourself hope, by improving yourself, or to release it and kind of indulge in this lowered state. And control triggers release and release triggers control. And, again, the things on the control side are actually good things, a lot of them. But when they’re driven by toxic shame, they are compulsive, they never end and they just trigger release. One of the other ways that we can try and deal with this sense that we’re not good enough is just by disconnecting from ourself, and that’s what we’re going to look at next.
Some of the things mentioned are great things – working hard, exercising, achieving lots, being nice and helping others – but when it’s driven by toxic shame, it never ends, and it only reinforces inadequacy. Control triggers release and vice versa. The more intensely you demand control, the more you require the balance of release, and the more abusingly or self-destructively you release, the more you require the unforgiving control.
Author(s) || Connor McGonigal
Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com
Article || 2.3 Control & Release
Date || Between January 27th and November 14th, 2018
contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]