5.1 Delving Deeper
This page was last modified: January 14th, 2023
Video TranscriptHopefully, this program has helped you to gain an understanding of porn, fetishes, and most importantly yourself, as well as aiming you with an array of powerful tools to help you achieve all your goals. Now, paradoxically, however, this could go another way. This whole program was based on the idea of fixing this problem. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve said either the word fix or problem. And we spoke about how shame is really the underpinning factor in the reason why this fetish is so attractive. Now, by buying and completing this program, just in itself, you’re actually reinforcing the shame. You’ve just sat through hours of content that back up with this idea that this is a problem, a problem within you. How much time have you spent trying to fix this now, that all just reinforces the shame reinforces the sense that you are fundamentally flawed. And paradoxically, however, your desires to change can make it even harder to change. Because the more you think this is a problem, the more shame you feel. And the more of a problem, this becomes. A one point in my life, I was briefly an alcoholic, I drank because I hated my life. And I used alcohol to escape from that it was my release. But near the end, it became a situation where I drank because I hated my life because I was an alcoholic. I made most of my decisions drunk, and I lived like a pig and I hated being an alcoholic. So to escape from that, I drank more. See, I drank because I drank, the more I drank, the more I wanted to drink. Similarly, with this fetish, and with cuckold porn, the more you try to fix it, the more you feel that you need to remember the control and release dynamic, and we said how this porn is a release, it’s a way to cope with toxic shame we’ll actually trying to fix it can be a control, it can be on the other side of the diagram as an escape or away out from shame. When it’s driven by shame, it can give you a sense that you are trying to have some control over this sense over this feeling of not being good enough, you’re trying to be better because you feel like you’re flawed. And it just reinforces the shame. The more you control, the more you will need release. And the more you release, the more you need control. Trying to fix it makes it harder to fix. When it’s compulsive, the more you try, the harder it can be trying so hard and try obsessing over this can lead to failure. The reason is because it can be driven by toxic shame driven from this feeling of not being good enough. driven from the feeling that you need to change in order to be good, that you are not good enough, just as you are. I don’t want you to get obsessed with fixing it. I don’t want you to take notes on everything I’ve said and set yourself daily goals and grind on this on this step by step way of fixing this problem. Because to get obsessed with this and to have this being a compulsive need, will be driven by shame. And that will only make the problem worse, because that is a control. And that will only trigger release. So now you’re thinking okay, well, so to fix it, I have to stop trying to fix it. No, because that’s still coming from the perspective of trying to fix it. You’re gonna stop trying to fix it in order to fix it. You’re still trying to fix it, you will still feel shame. The solution is just to ground yourself in reality. Because all of this shit is entirely mental. The shame, the insecurities, the belief that there’s a problem within you the desire to fix it, even the whole fetish itself. Everything is completely in your head, ground yourself in reality, see, thinking that you have a problem is the problem. Having this sense that you have a problem. That is the problem. So go out and have friends and be with people and have fun and do things, do things you like and ground yourself in reality. To get out of your head will really heal the problem more than anything. And I’m not saying forget everything you’ve learned. Definitely not. I’m saying don’t obsess over it. Don’t be driven to achieve this. Don’t be have that compulsive need. Relax and ground yourself in reality. And bear in mind everything I’ve said and sure make steps to do this and to fix this But you need to realize that you’re good enough now. Because as I said, inadequacy is relative and it never ends. And if you keep trying to push yourself down this road of road of compulsively trying to fix it, you won’t heal it that way. Because that’s not how it’s healed. So, now that this program has finished, you’re going to go out there, you’re going to do a great job, I’m sure of getting out of your head and into the real world, you’re going to do a great job at not watching porn. And inevitably, though, at one point, you will give him I’m sure, because fetishes are our weak spot, the neural pathways in your brain are still there, you will fail. It’s inevitable. I mean, we can’t set unreasonable expectations. Remember, it’s possible that you won’t. But it’s, it’s, it’s okay to expect to fail, in fact, is definitely a good thing to prepare for this. So you will eventually forget the importance of the things that I’ve said here, I’m sure, you’ll forget about everything I’ve said, and maybe you’ll just let it slip. Because you’re busy with something else, you probably have a whole other life aside from this. And I’m sure there will be times where your willpower is just weak, and you will fail. It doesn’t matter, the worst thing you can do is to beat yourself up over it. Because that will just reinforce the shame once more. The second worst thing you can do is to set unreal, unreasonable expectations in the first place, which will only lead to you failing and inevitably thinking you’re a failure and slipping into shame and making everything worse. So don’t set unreasonable expectations. It honestly took me four years to fully quit porn, granted, I didn’t know all of this stuff that I’m teaching, I had to work that out along the way. But I know that significant changes don’t happen overnight. So don’t set unreasonable expectations. I’m sure you might fail. And, importantly, don’t beat yourself up over this, don’t think less of yourself, don’t feel ashamed of yourself. Just accept that it’s all still in your head. And that it takes time to change. And, and move on and do your best and feel your best. And it may take time. And that’s okay. Just try your best and understand that in the short term, you’re still probably a victim of your pre existing neural pathways. But in the long term, you have the power to shape them. In my journey, I failed a few times, even in quitting drinking, there would be times where I would fail. And this is so common because the road to success is not straight. It’s windy, and it’s curvy, and there’s bumps in the road. And that’s okay. Don’t think that, again, don’t reinforce that shame. That’s very important. Don’t reinforce the sense that you are flawed, and that you can never, ever change. So I want to say one more thing. This has been mainly a course about inadequacy. And throughout this whole course, we’ve made one assumption. And I want to challenge this assumption. We’ve been treating inadequacy, like it’s a bad thing. Why it’s the symptoms that are the bad thing. It’s the it’s the disconnection with ourselves. It’s obviously the fetish. It’s all the things that we set in the control and release. But actually, some of the things in the control side are really good things. The self improvement is a really good thing. Having a hat just having this, this drive to achieve good things. It can come from a sense of inadequacy, but that’s okay. It’s a good thing to achieve lots, it’s a good thing to work hard. I don’t think that any workaholic actually actually does not have a sense of inadequacy deep down. I don’t think there’s a there’s a billionaire in this world that doesn’t have a fundamental sense of inadequacy. I would say that the best things in life, the best achievements that people have come from this sense of inadequacy, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel like that. inadequacy drives us to be better. That’s what drove you to buy this course. I’m sure inadequacy is a blessing. There are powerful upsides to this. And compared to most people, I mean, most people never learn this stuff. Most people don’t have this power. Most people don’t learn this control. Most people don’t learn everything that we’ve spoken about. You But if you can just control all the bad symptoms of inadequacy, you don’t have to fix this 100% Because it can be such a powerful force for good in your life. So I actually don’t want you to be 100% secure in yourself, and I’m not sure if that’s even possible to achieve. I don’t think anyone is 100% secure in themselves. And I think that a little bit of inadequacy can be a very good thing, because it can make us do, it can make us drive ourselves to achieve more and to have better lives. So, as cheesy as this sounds, go forth and prosper, use everything that we’ve learned. Use this power and this control. You now have the power to stop all the bad symptoms of this. But you don’t have to try and drive yourself to completely being 100% secure, because to be human, is to be imperfect. And that’s what I want to leave you with. I wish you genuinely the best of luck in your lives. And I hope that this has really helped you. Alright, bye
I’ll leave you with some long extra resources on this next page:
The more you think this is a problem, the more shame you feel, and so the more of a problem this becomes! Therefore, thinking it’s a problem IS the problem! It causes shame, which causes the fetish. You need to keep your shame as healthy shame, not toxic shame. Allow yourself to feel the shame. Most importantly, realise that it’s ok to feel healthy shame. From there, you can move on. It’s difficult, and completely counter-intuitive, but that’s the truth.
Don’t get obsessed. You are not fundamentally damaged, you are human, and humans are imperfect. This fetish is an imperfection. If you obsess over this, you deny that it’s ok to be imperfect. It’s all a giant paradox really: If you need to change this fetish to be good enough, then you can never change, because it feeds off that sense that you need to change to be good enough. You need to accept yourself just as you are, right now, including this fetish. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to enjoy it, you don’t have to delude yourself into thinking you’re perfect, no. Your shame about this fetish must be kept as healthy shame, not toxic shame. Paradoxically, the only way to fix this is to stop needing to fix this. The more you try, the harder it can be; the more you attach your self-worth to this, or to your idea of being perfect in the future, the more inadequate you’ll feel right now.
Your self-worth needs to be truly unconditional.
That doesn’t mean you should ignore the rest of this course, you can still do all of these actions (obviously), but don’t do that from a place of self-hatred. Do it from a place of self-love, and from a desire to be the best you can be, instead of a desire to ‘fix’ yourself. You need to understand that you are good enough right now. That’s not to say you can’t be better, and it’s not to say you shouldn’t try to be better either – rather that you shouldn’t have to change to be good enough. Move forward from there. Ground yourself in reality, and get out of your head!
It’s a fine line that’s almost a paradox, but if you can really understand what I mean by this, you’ll do great.
Inadequacy is only bad because of the negative side-effects (like this fetish). It also has powerful benefits like driving you to continually improve, or being much nicer or funnier than most other people! Most people don’t have that power! If you can control the bad side, you have the most powerful tool available. You can live a great life because of this. Remove as much of this subconscious inadequacy as you need to be happy, but I don’t think you need to remove every trace. You have the power to control the negative effects, and with that, the benefits are yours.
Author(s) || Connor McGonigal
Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com
Article || 5.1 Delving Deeper
Date || Between January 30th and November 14th, 2018
contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]