3.3 Expectations


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Video Transcript So the factors that we’ve just discussed are the basis of a sense of inadequacy, they are the psychological way in which it can be formed. Now, what we’re going to go into is the more kind of surface level reasons that can cause the sense of inadequacy. This is less deep psychology, and more kind of shallow things that you just need to be aware of and consider. So for that reason, I’m going to try and make this very quick. There’s expectations. There’s relationships, and there’s culture and culture is a massive topic that encompasses so many things. I want to say from the outset that this is not an exhaustive list. That means there are more reasons than just this, these just the main ones that I want to bring your attention to. So expectations. If you expect to be the best human that has ever lived, you will live your life being disappointed in yourself. Regardless of your achievements. You could find a cure for cancer, but if you expect it to cure all illnesses, you would feel not good enough if you only cured one illness. See expectations cause inadequacy, because inadequacy is relative. It’s relative to what you expect, what you’re used to what you think is normal, and the people around you if you’re a millionaire, but the only people you mix with are billionaires, you’re not going to feel successful. Despite being a millionaire. Here’s a shocking statistic for you. 70% of millionaires would not describe themselves as wealthy. And that’s excluding the value of their homes. That’s millionaire in cash. 70% do not consider themselves wealthy. Why? It’s ridiculous to me, I’m telling you now, but it’s because they’re looking up. They’re aiming for more, they’re working to be richer, they still want more. It’s relative. John D. Rockefeller is still considered to be the richest man of all time, really. When a reporter once asked him how much money is enough, he responded just a little bit more. See, it’s never enough. Am I saying that you shouldn’t aim high? By saying all this, am I saying that don’t set your expectations too high? No, you should aim high. You should strive for better, you should keep looking up. But the key is actually in attachment to the expectations. It’s not the actual expectations that cause inadequacy. It’s when you become attached to achieving those expectations, when you need that, to feel like you’re good enough when your self worth is defined by your successive successes and achievements. And whatever expectations you have for yourself, when that defines your self worth and your self worth becomes conditional, you get into that same paradigm of needing to do something to be good, do something to be enough. And it never gets to a point where you are enough just as you all because to get to that point. If that doesn’t happen through achieving enough, it gets to that point through changing your paradigms and realizing that it will never be enough. So it’s the attachment that causes inadequacy, through reinforcing conditional self worth, you should aim high, you should try and be your best. I said in the control and Release section. However, a lot of forms of compulsive self improvement are really just driven by toxic shame. And I really don’t want you to think that you can’t ever improve yourself. Because that’s not what we’re going for here. Do be your best do have a fulfilling career and a great life and sure earn lots of money. That was just an example. But if you have your self worth, you get to a point where your self worth is defined by your achievements. Because you have such a massive attachment to achieving all of your expectations, then your self worth becomes conditional. And you never really approve of yourself. No matter how much you achieve. It will never be enough. It never ends. There will always be more, there will always be someone better than you. There are always ways to improve. There are always ways that you’re not perfect. This ties into what we were saying about childhood. Parents can set unreasonable expectations for their children to achieve. And when they don’t live up to their expectations. They will feel like feel like a failure. And when they do live up to their expectations, they still learn that they are only valued for their achievements and not for themselves. else. They’re told that if they don’t get good grades, they’re a failure. Or if they don’t go down the route of their parents when they’re a failure, or our culture teaches us, if we don’t fit in and be popular with everyone, we’re a failure. Our society teaches men that if they don’t get enough girls, they’re a failure. It’s ridiculous. And that’s actually what we’re going to talk about next culture

John D. Rockefeller was the richest man who ever lived. He made his money in oil, and was the first ever billionaire. His wealth at his richest was 2% of the entire economy of America. When a reporter asked him, “How much money is enough?” He responded, “Just a little bit more.”

It’s never enough. You can always do better. You can always be more. Even when you’re at the top. Even when you’re already good enough. Inadequacy is relative; there is no such thing as being good enough, because “enough” can change. Your expectations determine that.

If you expect to be the best human that has ever lived, you will live your life being disappointed in yourself regardless of your achievements.

You could find a cure for cancer, but if you expected to cure all illnesses, you would feel like you’re not good enough for only curing one illness. Expectations cause inadequacy because inadequacy is relative. It’s relative to what you expect, what you’re used to, what you think is normal, and the people around you.

If you’re a millionaire, but the only people you mix with are billionaires, you’re not going to feel successful. Despite the fact that you’re A MILLIONAIRE. If you then go to the middle of poverty-stricken africa you’ll suddenly feel pretty good about yourself. Here’s a shocking statistic for you. 70% of millionaires would not describe themselves as wealthy. That’s excluding the value of their homes. 70%! Why? Because they’re looking up, they’re aiming for more, they’re working to be richer, they still want more. Inadequacy is relative.

Does this mean you shouldn’t aim high? That you should just accept where you are and never strive for better? No. The key is in attachment. It’s not the expectations that cause inadequacy, it’s when you become attached to achieving those expectations, when you need that to feel like you’re good enough. When your self-worth is defined by your successes, achievements, and whatever expectations you have for yourself, your self-worth becomes conditional. You get in to that same paradigm of needing to do something to be “good”, do something to be “enough”, and it never gets to a point where you are enough just as you are because to get to that point you have to change paradigms, not achieve enough. Why? Because it will never be enough. You will always want more. When you become a millionaire you’ll want to be a multimillionaire.

Inadequacy is relative. When you become attached to your expectations, your self-worth becomes conditional, and even if those conditions are fulfilled you still won’t approve of yourself unconditionally.

It’s in the attachment that this becomes a troublesome mental process. Aim high, work hard, but attachment to outcome will make you feel inferior no matter what you do. Mindfulness meditation can be a great thing to remove that.

This ties into what we were saying about childhood. Parents can set unreasonable expectations for their children to achieve, and when they don’t live up to their expectations they feel like a failure, and when they do live up to their expectations they still learn that they are only valued for their achievements, not themselves. They’re told that if they don’t get good grades they’re a failure. Or if they don’t go down the route that their parents want, they’re a failure. Our culture teaches us if we don’t fit in and be popular with everyone we’re a failure. Our society teaches men that if they don’t get enough girls they’re a failure. This leads nicely into the next cause of inadequacy: Culture.

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Author(s) || Connor McGonigal

Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com

Article || 3.3 Expectations

Date || Between January 27th and November 14th, 2018

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