3.5 Relationships


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Video Transcript So let’s talk about relationships. I think in the last slide, I focused a bit too much on what to do if you’re single. So now, relationships can actually be a massive source of feelings of inadequacy. Relationships have massive power over our self worth. And that’s not actually a problem. That’s just the way it is. And where it probably should be. Feelings of not being good enough are probably good parts of relationships. Because well, we need to respect our partner, we need to be with someone who makes us want to be a better person. We need some drive to prevent us from getting too comfortable, and overconfident. But for the most significant person on our lives, they do have some special considerations. And in the beginning of this stage, we spoke about abandonment, trauma, and how that was the scariest thing for a child. When that is imprinted in our brain, we will naturally try to recreate the abandonment trauma, either in a positive way, where we emerge as the winner this time, or in a negative way for some weird psychological reason that I don’t think anyone actually knows. Our partners have massive control over our needs. And when it seems like they will abandon us, we can become a bit too needy. Either that or we go the opposite way, and push them away to try to protect ourselves, we don’t let them meet our needs. This fetish itself is actually one way for the subconscious to recreate the abandonment. It pushes on those same buttons formed early on that was so painful at the time. subconscious is a very weird thing. And Recreation is one way for it to deal with pain. Anyway, relationships have special power for this reason. And really, it comes back down to needs. We have to be responsible for getting our own needs met. Otherwise, we become dependent and codependent. And those are toxic environments to be in. And that’s so important. The major source for inadequacy in relationship is needs. Porn actually gives the illusion of fulfillment, it seems like it will fulfill our needs. And it does on a purely sexual level, of course, at least to some extent. However, we also have some other needs that porn cannot fulfill. We need to feel loved. We need to feel appreciated, we need to feel like we matter. We need recognition, belonging, mirroring. And of course, just simple human touch. To our simple little monkey minds, porn appears to be able to meet these needs. When we see porn, our primitive brains associate that appearance with the capability to meet our intimacy needs. But of course it doesn’t. It’s just an illusion. So are you in a relationship? And if so, do you feel truly appreciated? Do you feel loved? Do you feel like you matter? If you don’t, we can naturally try to turn to porn to try to fulfill these leads? Because it seems like it will when actually we know it won’t. One of the things that separates this fetish from other porn is that it’s about the girl enjoying it. And this would be a desire if your girlfriend or wife seems like she’s not sexually fulfilled by you. So do you feel like you cannot sexually fulfill your partner? Do you have insecurities about your sexual performance or desirability? If so, the Fetish feeds off that. And if you think even in a small part of your mind, that she’s not happy with you in bed, if you think she’s comparing you to other guys she’s slept with or if you think you’ve you are not the best guy she’s slept with, that’s going to create obviously, massive feelings of inadequacy. But Interestingly though, this can be set off by something as simple as just not having sex. In long term relationships, sex decreases, the sexual polarity that you had in the beginning can fade and in fact, it does fade. And then very long term relationships and even marriages. This can be much more than you’d like. It feels like a rejection, it can feel like she doesn’t want to have sex with you because of you. Because you don’t satisfy her sexually. And when you’re when you’re denied sex. So often, as I know from experience, it’s hard not to think that it’s hard not to question yourself question if you’re good enough if you really excite her anymore, maybe not on conscious level, but it’s bound to be subconscious. Oddly enough, though, this is entirely mental. In reality, it’s probably nothing to do with you, even though we automatically assume this is. If she’s still with you, then she still likes you. It’s fairly obvious. It’s probably actually just to do with the natural. The fact of long term relationships and the fact that this is just a thing that happens quite naturally and quite commonly. So this is entirely mental. So what’s the solution? Well, I’m not relationship counselor, but talk it out. If it bothers you that you’re not having sex. What are you really bothered by? Do you feel unloved? Do you feel unappreciated? Work out how you feel and tell her, it’s probably not the lack of sex that bothers you. It’s probably your thoughts, assumptions or feelings about that. She may well say that you really don’t excite her anymore. That might happen. And that’s still not a reflection of you, not a reflection of who you are. It’s a reflection of a common effect in long term relationships. And that happens. But just like this fetish, it’s not a part of you, and you can change it. So if you don’t excite her, then learn how it’s usually a simple case of fading polarity. Again, I’m not a relationship counselor, I won’t speak about a field I’m not an expert in. But I know there are hundreds of books on the subject and just putting in like an hour with the right Google searches will give you a ton of information. That key point is that you need to take responsibility for your needs. And if you’re not having sex, you need to accept that it’s okay to feel bothered by that. You need to own these feelings, and then do something about it. And importantly, work out why it bothers you because it’s more likely just the lack of intimacy and appreciation than the actual lack of sex. So work out your feelings. Another point I want to make here is that a really weird thing that happens is that men and women who have the sense of toxic shame and inadequacy, these people tend to find each other and stick to each other. It is likely that your partner might have this not certain I’m not saying that. But be careful of this because most of these types of relationships are actually much less healthy than they seem. Each partner is with the other because they are scared of being alone. It’s mostly codependent relationships that we see here. It’s important to just bring some awareness to that. Again, I’m not a relationship counselor, but it’s also important to grow together in this process.

This is specific guidance for those in relationships.

This is mostly pretty basic really but some people need this simple nudge.

Your relationship might not be making you happy, due to the potential for the recreation of abandonment, lack of fulfillment of your needs, basic sexual insecurities you may have, and the likelihood that your partner is similarly driven by inadequacy.

Abandonment is simply not getting your needs met. It is common to be drawn towards recreating this concept, in order to help us process the discomfort around it – this is the basis of the fetish, but also occurs in other aspects of life. You may naturally be in a situation where your partner regularly neglects you or acts in an emotionally abusive way towards you. This is more common than you think! If so, become aware of it, and take responsibility for changing it, because, if you don’t, it’ll only make things worse.

Are you having enough sex? in long term relationships, sex naturally decreases. This is common. But to our brains, it can seem like a rejection, like we’re not good enough, instead of the reality that it’s a simple consequence of long-term relationships. Become aware of this. But whatever you do, do SOMETHING. Accept that you have needs and that you’re responsible for fulfilling them! If you have a problem, then FIX IT!

Lastly, it’s possible that your partner also has a deep-rooted sense of inadequacy. We are drawn to each other like magnets! Be careful of this, because this can hold you back. It’s important to be aware of this and try to grow together.

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Author(s) || Connor McGonigal

Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com

Article || 3.5 Relationships

Date || Between January 27th, 2018 and May 11th, 2019

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contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]



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