2.6 Needs


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Video Transcript So as I’ve just said, it’s very important to give yourself the time and attention to meet your needs. And that’s quite easy. The hardest part is actually just connecting with that, and finding out what it is that you need. Because when we’re so disconnected from ourselves, the hardest part is just knowing what our needs are. So what are our needs, obviously, it goes beyond food, and water, and air, and shelter, and those kind of basic needs. We also need things like personal security, maybe financial security, it could be a need, or health, well being very important needs. We also need things like autonomy, you know, control over our own lives. Independence, these are fundamental human needs. Now on this slide, I’ve put a big list of needs. And I’ve chosen these ones, because they all depend on other people to fulfill them. When we actually work out our own needs, we can fulfill most of them ourselves. But everything on this list kind of depends on other people, to fulfill them for us. In the next section, we’re going to learn a technique to to get people to help us meet our needs, and basically cooperate with them. But I just want to go over this because there’s there’s quite a few kind of traps to fall into. The first thing is thinking that you don’t need these. That’s a potential trap. If you if you are so disconnected from yourself, you might think, you know, this is a waste of time, these are all for weak people. And that might be the mask of excessive masculinity talking, you might think, Oh, I’d rather spend my time productively than on this. That’s the control of the basic attachment to work, I suppose if you’d rather spend your time productively than on this, you might think it’s selfish to spend your time on all these things. That might be the nice guy mask, thinking you’d rather spend your time caring for other people. So be careful about all of these things. Because deep down, we all need everything on this list. Trying to appear needless or wants plus is also another trap to fall into. Because if you feel inadequate, you feel like you don’t deserve to get your needs met. Therefore, it becomes very hard to receive and to have someone focus on you. We are terrible receivers. And this is most distressing when it comes to sex. Because you might feel like you actually don’t deserve to have someone focus on you. In the bedroom, you might feel like you don’t deserve intimacy and affection. When was the last time you asked your partner for affection, or touch? These are all fundamental needs. An important note is that for those who have a girlfriend or a wife or a partner, we are learning to be attuned to our own needs. And we’re learning to accept that our needs matter. And we’re learning to kind of be more assertive with this. But please, just because we have a need for sexual pleasure, it doesn’t mean that your significant other is responsible for fulfilling that need. It’s very easy to become very overly assertive and overly confident with what we want. And then kind of make someone else do something they don’t want to do. So don’t take it too far. It’s okay to have needs. But remember that you don’t depend on one specific person to fulfill those needs. No one has a responsibility to meet your needs. With with women, a lot of the time it’s common to be worried about appearing needy. So some guys will forego their own needs in order to not come across as needy. They project this image that they can take care of themselves, they don’t need anyone. And this comes from fear of seeming needy, but also just the shame about having needs and the disconnection that results from that. The difference between having healthy human needs and being needy is that being needy involves depending on one specific person to fulfill those needs, implies you wouldn’t survive without them. So if you’re worried about being needy, just bear this in mind, it’s okay to have needs. But you don’t need to depend on one specific person to fulfill them and you can go elsewhere. Another thing to watch out for is that some of these needs can be converted into sexuality. What that means is basically when we have this sense of toxic shame and we are we so painfully shamed the core feeling ultimately worthless sexual stimulation and climax is very, very pleasurable and it’s an all encompassing pleasure. And this pleasure can take the place of any other need. If you grow up feeling this, this bad feeling, and kind of realizing that masturbation may be my might have been your principal source of good feeling. Then now in adulthood, you may resort to masturbation in order to restore good feelings about yourself, at times when you’re experiencing needs quite unrelated to sexuality. This is I think this is known as conversion. And it transforms any of the needs into the need for something else, it could be converted into food instead of sex. A lot of people when they meet these things, they just stuffed their faces, as if that’s gonna Well, I mean, it does make them feel good. But again, it’s just trying to kind of fill the hole that is created by not getting these needs met. So next time you feel the urge to indulge in the fetish, take a moment to just work out how you feel and work out if there are any needs on this list, or any needs not on this list that you are missing. What we’re going to work out, work on in the next section is a process to get these needs met. Because as I say these all depend on other people to fulfill them. So make sure you go through the next section and learn this nonviolent communication. I’ll see you that

As we shall see in stage 3.1, disconnection from our needs is the fundamental foundation of inadequacy.

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Author(s) || Connor McGonigal

Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com

Article || 2.6 Needs

Date || Between January 29th and November 14th, 2018

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