5.3 Unlocking Your Inner Sexual Dominance
This page was last modified: January 14th, 2023
Sometimes men will obsess over being more dominant, if they have learned that this is what will make them good enough. It’s another method of control. If you think all women want that, and you still need approval from women, then you’ll be drawn to this section like a moth to a flame. Fix that first.
Thinking that dominant = good, and submissive = bad, is a distorted perception of reality. It’s largely created by stereotypes and porn. No, women don’t all want to be dominated, and if you try to do that – without being asked – you’ll look like a fool. There’s no reason why being dominant would be any better than being submissive! But you could believe that if you watched too much porn.
Porn can make you think that good sex involves rough domination or being some super ‘stud’ that instantly knows how to pleasure a woman. This is nonsense! But this is also what cuckolding is about! Cuckolding turns that belief into pleasure, by making you submit as the ‘stud’ dominates your wife or girlfriend. If you think that your wife or girlfriend would really want them instead of you, or if you think that these ‘studs’ exist and that’s what ‘good sex’ is, you need to overcome this belief! THIS BELIEF IS WRONG!
Good sex is not like porn. Good sex involves lots of communication, asking questions, and listening to answers. With someone new, sex is awkward and most of the pleasure comes from the excitement and validation of being with someone new, rather than the specific sex acts or sexual traits in the person. Not only that, but every woman is different; they like different things, to be touched in different ways, in different spots, at different speeds or rhythms, and there’s simply no way of being the natural ‘sex god’ that porn makes you believe exists. That comes with time, communication, and getting to know what the woman wants. If you try to make sex like porn, it will end up being bad. Not only that, it may even be unconsensual, which is awful. NEVER be ‘dominant’ without asking. Cuckolding is strongly linked with these ideas about masculinity and manliness. These ideas may also lead to sexual problems like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or difficulty reaching orgasm.
So, if you’ve come to this section because you believe that being dominant is ‘good’, then leave this section now! It’s ok to be yourself.
This section is really just for those with partners who are sexually submissive. If you want to find pleasure in taking a more dominant role, and want it to come quite naturally to you, it’s fairly straightforward.
Jim was a 30 year old man who had a sexually submissive girlfriend, but didn’t know how to please her. He wanted to be more dominant in bed, but for some reason, he just couldn’t! He wanted to know how to unlock his dominant side, naturally and authentically. He told me he tried to be dominant to please his partner, but really he didn’t know what he was doing and he just felt uncomfortable. This is a common question I get asked: how to be more dominant in bed.
It’s pretty simple: Firstly, communicate. Ask them what they want. ‘Domination’ is an umbrella term that encapsulates so many different things that different people like. You need to know exactly what parts they like and what parts they don’t like!
Secondly, think of it as another way to eroticize inadequacy, only this time, it’s the opposite: instead of being in a situation where you’re humiliated and left out, you’re the king and get all the attention and validation. You get whatever you want – and in this way, it’s incredibly validating. The things that stop you from doing that are usually either 1) a lack of confidence in carrying out what you want, or 2) disconnection from what you want. The reason why cuckolding is pleasurable is because we find gratification in being unjustly treated. Well, there are other ways to get that same gratification – one of which is being allowed to do whatever you want with a submissive partner.
Sexual activities are pleasurable because they give us validation. They make us feel good psychologically, not just physically. They validate our egos. Sex is not just about the physical stimulation, it’s about the fact that someone else wants you!
Sexual dominance is pleasurable because it’s validating. When you’re in charge, and you make the other person moan and even orgasm, it makes you feel good! When that person wants you so much that they let you have free reign over their body, it feels great! It’s a massive complement to be allowed to do what you want with someone else. It’s validating; it feels good because it’s a complement.
So, the question is, why doesn’t it feel great for you? There are two possibilities. Firstly, if you feel inadequate or doubt your desirability, this validating experience can instead feel more like a burden. You become worried about what the other person will feel, ESPECIALLY when you don’t feel good enough. Being given free reign over someone else’s body becomes a responsibility; an encumbrance. You either doubt they’ll be happy with that situation, or feel pressure to please them. Maybe you just don’t know what to do, and you’re worried that it won’t be good enough. The solution: transport your mind into your submissive partner’s head. Understand what they want. Empathise with their sexual perspective. Usually, they want you to do what you want. Sexual submission is pleasurable because it’s validating too – it’s very gratifying to be wanted, to be desired, and to have someone that wants to use your body for their pleasure. That’s what a submissive partner wants.
It’s scary to just do what you want. We’re so used to battling for attention and validation, trying to be perfect, trying to make others like us, trying never to upset anyone, that it’s really scary to have things our way. Ironically, that’s exactly what a submissive partner wants.
Secondly, you might be disconnected from your wants and needs (particularly ego needs). If you’re that disconnected, you likely won’t attempt to find validation from sex, but rather from being really nice, or caring, or appearing to be needless (appearing to not need sex, and then taking out your sexual energy on cuckold porn later). By doing this, you get a sense that you’re doing the right thing that makes them like you. You think that if you appear to be low maintenance and just try to make them happy, they can never be sad or angry at you, or ever think of leaving you. That’s just not true – they end up resenting you for not letting them give to you. Disconnection is the destroyer of relationships. Connect with yourself, and your needs, and when you do, you’ll be aware that you have normal sexual needs just like everyone else. You’ll also be able to empathise better, which is the most important quality for good sex.
CONCLUSION: Build your sexual confidence up. This is done in small steps, by building up bit by bit through progressively more dominant actions, and through consistent self-love and self-compassion. Connect with your wants and needs. More often than not, however, these are not men with trouble pleasing a sexually submissive partner – they are just typical [younger] men with subconscious inadequacy. They feel that women want men that are dominant, and therefore they need to be dominant to be good enough. Both of these statements are false, and driven by subconscious inadequacy.
*’Do what you want’ comes with a responsibility to do this consensually and for mutual benefit. This is a burden which makes it harder. This responsibility is too much of a burden for some people to handle! They worry so much about that not being OK. Good communication is key here. As you develop your connection with your own emotions through inner child work, you’ll also be much better at correctly judging the feelings of others. Until then, it’s OK to ask! Good communication is the answer. If in doubt, ask them. You’ll get better over time. Porn likely distorts your perception of what’s normal and what’s weird, which is all the more reason to communicate.
Author(s) || Connor McGonigal
Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com
Article || 5.3 Unlocking Your Inner Sexual Dominance
Date || January 30th, 2021
contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]