Planted: September 1, 2022
Last tended: February 25, 2023
Video TranscriptSo now let’s look at the root cause. Obviously, conditioning does play a role. But it isn’t the main role and it doesn’t. It doesn’t explain the majority of fetishes and of sexual behavior that is caused by something else and don’t completely ignore conditioning because it does cause a lot of your feelings and your associations. And that has an indirect effect. But as I say, let’s explore the root cause. Firstly, let’s actually break down this fetish and look at what parts cause aroused, look at where the pleasure is actually coming from. Before we look at what causes that pleasure. So, infidelity, obviously cheating is the main part of this fetish. There’s also an element of inferiority, which I think is universal. I think it is an essential part of this fetish. And if it isn’t really there, then it’s not the same fetish, but maybe it’s just optional, and sometimes additional humiliation. I mean, infidelity is humiliating enough. But there’s also some element of verbal humiliation sometimes, too. Those are the parts that cause arousal. Okay? If you take away those parts, then it’s not the same fetish, and it isn’t arousing anymore. So why do we find those things? Arousing, okay, generally, you can distill that down into feelings of inadequacy. So, the idea of infidelity that’s only really painful because it makes you feel like you’re not good enough. It makes you feel bad about yourself. It makes you doubt your self worth being cheated on is such a painful thing. It’s probably the most painful thing you could experience, possibly, but the reason why that’s painful is because it makes you feel inadequate or not good enough. Inferiority also quite literally does the same. And so I kind of simplify this as, as turning feelings of inadequacy. intersexual pleasure. The eroticized ation of inadequacy, right making inadequacy become erotic, instead of being painful, that actually becomes pleasurable. But why? There have been a number of attempts to explain this, one of the most popular ones is to protect us from those feelings. So the brain turns these bad feelings into pleasure to protect us from feeling them. Another one is that it helps us to escape from bad feelings about ourselves the pressure to be good enough, by feeling pain, the pain of humiliation draws our attention away from all these things. Roy Baumeister calls this the burden of selfhood, the idea that being a person is a burden. It’s a lot of responsibility, right, we all have lots of different an image to uphold standards to maintain, we have too many things to the cause a lot of pressure, there’s a pressure to be good enough. And to escape from that. We can do that with pain. Another idea is that it’s a way to affirm ourselves or to kind of for validation, which is by confronting our deepest fears, we temporarily overcome them. That’s what happens by reenacting them in a safe environment where we’re, we’re kind of, in a way, consenting in a way. I mean, that’s what happens every time you masturbate, you are doing it consensually. We temporarily overcome them anyway, that’s the point by reenacting, we overcome them. And that is validating, right that when it’s our deepest fears, and we’re confronting them and overcoming them, we’re temporarily finding a lot of affirmation of our self worth. Doesn’t really matter which one of those is true, by the way, and we can’t, we can’t actually test this. This isn’t something that we’ll ever know the answer to, because you can’t test these theories directly. You can test them indirectly. And they have done so with that self affirmation theory. And that is, the theory that has the least holes in it actually does explain all of sexual desire, not just fetishes. So that’s probably the most likely one but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t really matter which one of these is true, because they’re explaining the same thing. They’re just different ways of explaining what’s going on. And it doesn’t matter which explanation you look for because they say the same thing that fetishes turn pain into pleasure for some reason. Okay. So a quote here that I found from a former dominatrix who says, I used to get people coming to me for spanking and caning because they’d received corporal punishment at school, often in a completely on erotic context that ended up eroticised the experience as a means of processing the discomfort around it. So that’s a situation where pain is being turned into pleasure, someone’s pain that they’ve had that they’ve experienced in the past that’s caused Some sort of deep rooted emotional feelings or fears of that happening again. And that is being eroticized turned erotic, turned into sexual pleasure. sexual fetishes are the brains attempt to work out trauma woundedness, or some other associations from the past quite big words, quite harsh words. But I think you get the point of that. Hidden within your core erotic theme is a formula for transforming unfinished emotional business from childhood and adolescence into excitation and pleasure. Now, childhood is a very important time in our lives, because that’s the time when we are forming our initial ideas about the way that the world works and the way that we are and the way that we fit into the world and bear everything. That’s when we learning the most in childhood, we’re learning about everything, our eyes are wide open to the world. And so we’re very vulnerable during that time and very impressionable, very easily impressionable, anything that happens in childhood has about 10 times the amount or the the effect that it would have if it happened later on in your life. Because when we get older, we kind of we know how things work, we get a bit set in our ways, we already form our beliefs they’ve already formed long ago, and we kind of just, we don’t learn as much anymore as we do in childhood, when which is when we’re forming our initial ideas about those things. And if those ideas make you feel like you might be somehow inadequate, then that pain, that pain is what gets turned into pleasure later on in life, Adolescence is kind of the same, because that’s when we’re first learning about sex, and about our sexual experiences. And, and those ideas that formed during those times are as important as in childhood. So anything that happens in those times when we’re the most vulnerable, the most impressionable that has a larger effect. And it’s good to look towards those times. If you’re examining yourself, it’s good to look towards those times to kind of get an idea of, of your own inner pain, and fears and feelings. fetishes form as a way to protect us from that same emotional pain to disconnect from the pain and turn it into pleasure, we can be protected from the hurtful feelings it may trigger. So same idea really. So to summarize this, essentially fetishes form, firstly, from deep rooted fears and emotions. And secondly, a general not feeling good enough. Now, to explain that, I would have to go into the self affirmation or validation theory in a little bit more detail. The idea about pleasure is the pleasure forms as a an evolutionary survival mechanism, really pleasure is what drives us to engage in behaviors that benefit the survival of the human race. Okay, so the reason why chocolate is pleasurable, or cake is because in you know, as a long, long time ago, those calories would have been beneficial to our survival, we needed them. Okay, we needed them to survive. So we find a lot of pleasure from high calorie foods. For that reason, it’s a survival mechanism. One of the reasons why we find pleasure from sex is because that benefits the survival of the human race, obviously, we need to find that pleasurable so that we have some sort of drive to engage in it. Now, fetishes are also a survival mechanism. What they do is that, through this self affirmation theory or this validation theory, they let us know in some way that whatever fears that we perceive to be in the way of our survival, whatever feelings that we may have about ourselves and about our ability to act in this world, we can overcome them, through fetishes. And by doing that, we kind of affirm that we are good enough to survive and to pass on our genes by overcoming these fears, these emotions, these obstacles in the way of life, we get a sense that we aren’t good enough anyway. Those are all the result of past experiences, okay, these fears and emotions and this not feeling good enough. Now, generally, I believe that there’s not feeling good enough actually underlies all fetishes, okay, and it doesn’t have to be necessarily not feeling good enough. It can just be doubts about your ability to be good enough, and everyone has some sort of doubts or fears about not being good enough at some point. And that I believe underlies all fetishes, but particularly, it’s these deep rooted fears and emotions that we know underlie the specific fetishes. So someone with a fear of powerlessness would have eventually develop some sort of fetish around the concept of powerlessness, either by being made to be powerless themselves, which would be a fetish for being tied up by cups. Or one of the other ways that this can be eroticized is by acting that upon someone else, which is kind of sadism. It’s the sadistic angle of making someone else feel powerless. And that would be another way to overcome these fears and emotions. But generally, fetishes turn pain into pleasure, okay? Now instead focusing on pain, what you should do is to first focus on pleasure. So find the particular bits of pleasure that arouse you pinpoint them, and then identify the pain behind them. It’s a very individual thing, because different people find different things arousing, right? And particularly when it comes to this fetish. There are so many different elements, elements that you might find arousing. I mean, some people get more aroused by the humiliation aspect, they might, there might be some sort of element of small penis humiliation that’s quite common or some, some people get off on denial. You know, I’ve definitely there’s some sort of thing about chastity that kind of overlaps with this fetish. And anyway, different people find different things arousing, you need to find the specific things that arouse you, that turn you on. Okay, pinpoint the exact things that turn you on. And then look for the pain behind that. So see if you can take that, that extremely pleasurable, orgasmic experience, okay? And try and see that as someone else would see it, try and see that in a different light, see it from the perspective of someone else, and then take it out of the sexual context. And just imagine it in real life. Okay, so if it’s about chastity, then it’s about denial. Really, it’s about being denied sex, try and see that just in life connects with the pain behind that. And that’s a good way of identifying your own individual, deep rooted fears and emotions and beliefs. So, for this fetish, the project fears or fears of infidelity, promiscuity, or of female sexuality, sluttiness, that can be quite painful for some people, humiliation, inferiority being excluded, sometimes male competition, denial, any other part of the Fetish that would usually be painful, is where you should look to identify the pain that is being turned into pleasure. And by doing that, you will understand your own sexual desires in a lot more detail. So I generally refer to all of this as subconscious inadequacy. Everything can be kind of distilled down to this. The root cause of the Fetish is the pain that the Fetish involves. So look for the pain, and then kind of see what if you can apply that to your life and see if you can apply that to the pain that might be inside of you. So maybe it’s a fear of infidelity, more than most people, the lack of a sense of security in relationships. Sometimes that’s caused by fears of female promiscuity and sometimes it’s called by sexual insecurity, fears of having low sexual ability, attitudes towards penis size, or even just general insecurity. Sometimes, a lot of this can be created, just by watching a lot of porn. Porn makes you place a disproportionate emphasis on sex, you start to see women more as sex objects. This makes you care much more about a woman’s sex life, you place a lot of emphasis on their sex life and much less on them. You start to think that sex is very important. You worry about being good enough at sex, and especially when compared to your partner’s previous lovers. That’s a lot of pain. You worry so much about your partner being unsatisfied with sex, or you know, secretly wanting more than you and I’m considering leaving you because of sex. It’s hard to imagine that sex might not matter that much to them. Right that might be quite at contradiction to your fears, and your feelings and your beliefs that are inside of you. It might be contradictory to imagine that sex might not matter that much. And truthfully, if we’re being serious, I mean, women really don’t care as much about sex as men. And I’m kind of only really talking to the straight males who are watching this. But that’s true men focus on sex at the expense of the rest of the relationship. to a ridiculous extent, if a woman complains that the man doesn’t spend enough time with her, the man thinks that’s code for not lasting long enough in bed. I mean, we do really have a lot of a lot of insecurities that can be caused by porn. Do you think that all women want to be submissive, for example, and he doubt your ability to be dominant? And do you equate that to being good enough? That’s another insecurity, which can cause fears of sexual inadequacy. And that can be caused by porn to some men are particularly aroused by the element of small penis humiliation. Sometimes I get emails from people who don’t hesitate to tell me in the first line of their email that they don’t actually have a small penis, but they do find that arousing. Well, that’s because you don’t need to have a small penis to get aroused by small penis humiliation, you just need to have the fears, feelings, thoughts and beliefs, the fear of someone having a small penis the concept of someone being humiliated for their penis size. That is what’s the that’s the pain that’s being turned into pleasure. And that can just come from the belief that penis size matters a lot, as opposed to the belief that your own penis is small. It’s caused by resonating with pain around the idea of having a small penis, which you can do even if you don’t have a small penis. Similarly, someone who does have a small penis but doesn’t really care that much won’t get aroused by the concept of small penis humiliation because they don’t have that pain, which fetishes turn into pleasure. Okay, fetishes often don’t have anything to do with us. They’re to do with our fears and feelings, which are often completely unrelated to our real lives. And they’re occasionally completely irrational. That’s what I’m going to talk about in the next section. Some sometimes saying all of these sort of things can be caused by porn generally, or by different things that you go through in your life. Start to question exactly how they formed. If you do have any of these, and like I say, it’s gonna be different for everyone. Some people have fears of neglect being excluded. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, do you feel excluded in life? Do you feel different from everyone else? Do you feel left out? Do you feel left out when you masturbate? For example? Do you have shame around masturbation and sexuality? Do you feel like you’re, you’re alone masturbating at home while everyone else is having fun and having sex? That’s how some people feel. And obviously, that’s a very painful topic. That’s an area of a lot of pain. But of course, you know, the truth is, everyone masturbates people with this, this fear and this feeling think that masturbation is wrong, and that they should be doing something else. They haven’t accepted that it’s normal to masturbate. And, you know, I get a lot of that that’s very common. So, you know, they make these negative interpretations where, in their mind they become a loser simply for masturbating? Do you have any thoughts like this? If so, start to question, a fear of betrayal, or breaking trust, again, more than most. So if you’ve been cheated on in the past, then obviously that’s going to create this, this fear, if you have had some sort of experiences of having your trust just broken them again, that’s what can cause being aroused by that perhaps a fear of male competition or of emasculation. And just a fear or sense of not being good enough, which causes and facilitates all other fears. That’s the important point that I want to make, okay? All of these different individual fears are only really around because of a general sense, or a fear of not being good enough, just as you are. That’s what kind of creates all these individual fears, because you kind of look for the outlet for that you look for the excuse for that. So that’s going to be the focus of this course. For now. What I want you to do is to start to question these things. Firstly, start to look at what exactly it is that you find arousing, because that’s the first step. Look at what turns you want the most. Okay? Then connect with the pain behind that. Really try and, and, and feel that pain, feel it from someone else’s perspective, because otherwise, it’s just going to be arousing, right feeling from someone else’s perspective. And then take that pain out of a sexual context. Look at it just as the pain in life, not just in that sexual scenario. Once you’ve really got a clear image of that pain in life, then you can start to to examine that in more detail, you’ll naturally start to question it. Start to question how rational All it is start to question how much it makes sense. And that will generally kind of eliminate those things. And it’s also useful to see if you can find how that might have have been caused in the first place. If you can examine your past experiences, see if you can examine what makes you feel that way. And then that will generally break it down. So that’s how you deal with these individual fears that determine the direction of your fetish, but like I say, generally, all of this is caused by this underlying fear or sense of inadequacy, and that’s what we’re going to be examining in this course.
You may have heard me talk about this before – that cuckolding is “the eroticization of inadequacy”. This video is an explanation of that. On this website, I tend to either simplify it, or explain it through varying levels of complexity. In this video, and the text below, I explain it fully.
Essentially the fetish is caused by “subconscious inadequacy”. That refers to doubts about your self-worth and your ability to survive, which may involve individual fears and feelings such as a fear of being excluded, or betrayed. Those individual fears and feelings contribute to the specific direction of your fetish.
They’re caused by your past experiences. Perhaps your trust has been betrayed before. Maybe you grew up feeling excluded. Maybe you saw or heard something that made you think being cheated on is likely. Or, perhaps years of porn use has warped your ideas about sex! All of these things create emotional pain, and the fear of those things happening.
More importantly, however, we all have doubts about our self-worth, and these fears and feelings amplify those doubts. And, those doubts cause those fears and feelings.
To start with, identify these individual fears and feelings; the specific emotional hotspots of pain which cause the specifics of your fetish. That’s a large part of this video, and I don’t talk much more about them in this course, because they’re usually fairly simple and after questioning them, they tend to lose their power.
The deeper problem is the general subconscious inadequacy – a fear or sense of not being good enough. This can be completely irrational – so don’t worry if you either don’t feel it or don’t understand it.
Subconscious inadequacy is what causes your fetish. The specific details of exactly what turns you on is caused by your specific fears/feelings.
The cuckold fetish is all about turning the feeling of inadequacy into sexual pleasure, no matter the individual fears of feelings involved, and we need to overcome that.
Below, I’ve put some text copied from my ebooks – explaining 1) exactly how fetishes provide pleasure through validation and self-affirmation, 2) the individual parts of the fetish that might cause arousal, such as an interracial aspect, or being aroused by sluttiness.
“The erotic impulse springs from a deep-seated urge to affirm yourself.” – Jack Morin, The Erotic Mind (1995)
We find great pleasure from overcoming our deepest fears and painful emotions, because they’re our biggest perceived problems. Overcoming them provides us with immense validation, which we gain huge pleasure from.
“Validation” refers to a type of gratification obtained by overcoming any perceived constraints and fulfilling our needs. It is the gratification of many of our needs at once, or the affirmation that they can be easily gratified in future. Validation is an affirmation that we’re able to get our needs met, so that we can survive and reproduce. Validation is also a way of knowing that you’re a good person, worthy of social acceptance, love, belonging, and success in life. To be validated is to be confirmed as a normal, functioning human being who is perfectly good enough.
Why Is Sex Pleasurable?
Pleasure is a phenomenon which drives us to engage in behaviors that benefit our survival or reproduction. We are evolved for those two purposes – to survive and to reproduce – and pleasure is the thing that makes us do that. We feel pleasure from eating a high calorie meal for example, because it benefits our survival, and pleasure is the evolutionary mechanism which gives us a drive to seek that out. We feel pleasure from social contact, because having a tribe of our own benefits survival. We feel pleasure from sex because we need to reproduce! Our genitals contain sensitive nerves that produce pleasurable sensations when stimulated, because our evolution needed to program us with a desire to have our genitals stimulated so that we would have an incentive to reproduce.
We feel pleasure from anything that makes us feel accepted, loved, or validated, because it benefits our survival and reproduction. If we weren’t worthy of love or validation, we might not be good enough to survive, or to reproduce. It’s pleasurable to feel loved, to feel accepted, and to feel validated, because it confirms our chances of survival, and thus the pleasure drives us to seek out that confirmation, act in ways which increase our chances of validation, and thus act in ways which benefit our survival. The need for validation drives many aspects of our life, and brings us pleasure when we get it.
Pleasure comes from doing something that benefits either survival or reproduction. At first glance, it would seem like sex is pleasurable because of reproduction. However, for the majority of human sexual behavior, that is not true.
Humans Have Sex For Pleasure, Not Reproduction
If sex is pleasurable because it helps us reproduce, why is oral sex pleasurable? Oral sex shouldn’t be pleasurable. It makes no sense from a reproductive standpoint – it’s the wrong hole! The physical sensations can be replicated by modern sex toys – but most of us would much rather receive oral sex itself. We don’t fantasize about sex toys! Oral sex is pleasurable because when someone is focusing on giving you pleasure, it’s validating.
Similarly, one of the most commonly arousing parts of sex is when your partner is clearly enjoying it. To hear them struggle to contain their moans of pleasure or to see them writhe in pure ecstasy brings you pleasure too – it makes you feel pretty good about yourself!
Sexual activities provide us with validation. It’s pleasurable to know that someone else wants to have sex with you and thinks you’re good enough. It means that you’re good enough to survive and pass on your genes. In the prehistoric days of cavemen, that’s all we wanted. It was a struggle to survive and reproduce, and only the fittest did. Only the best achieved that goal, so it’s incredibly validating to do so. We get a huge rush of pleasure from sex, not just from stimulating our genitals but from the validation of having sex.
Validation in this context isn’t about neediness, craving approval, being too weak to fulfil yourself, or any negative concepts like that. Neither does it refer to someone with low self-confidence who has sex to feel better about themselves, although I’m sure that does happen too. Those are different types of validation to this. In this context, validation is a universal human need, and if you have any negative associations with that idea, you should let go of them. Validation essentially means fulfilling your purpose as a human; meeting your needs in order to survive and reproduce, and overcoming any perceived obstacles in the way. It’s a deeply ingrained and unchangeable human mechanism to both require and receive pleasure from validation.
One interesting area of thought is in the prevention of sexual pleasure. What makes someone not enjoy sex, when it’s with someone they like? What prevents a woman from orgasming, or a man from sustaining an erection? Apart from physiological problems, self-consciousness is one of the most common factors that prevents sexual pleasure. Being acutely aware of yourself is essentially the opposite of validation.
Focusing on oneself creates more fears instead of overcoming existing ones, and negates any perceived validation from the other person. Common fears and problems of self-consciousness include: “does my body look good enough?” “Am I able to bring them pleasure with this?” “Am I good enough at sex?” “Are my genitals clean enough for oral sex?” “What if they taste weird?” “What if they reject me in some way?” “What if I can’t perform well enough?”.
These thoughts are the antithesis of eroticism. They introduce further worries and doubts, and you start to feel bad about yourself instead of feeling good about yourself. Self-doubt and anxiety are invalidating, which is why they prevent sexual pleasure. The prevention of sexual pleasure comes from preventing perceived validation. Sexual pleasure is validation.
However, it’s not just normal sex that gives us a sense of validation; we can obtain more validation by doing different sexual activities.
Domination & Submission
Sexual domination can also be validating. If your partner likes you so much that you get to do whatever you want with them, that’s a validating experience. To be given free reign over someone else’s body is hugely gratifying. It makes you feel like you’re at the top of the world. That’s why domination – in all its forms, extents, and variants – is a very common kink; it’s inherently pleasurable due to validation.
Similarly, sexual submission feels good due to the same mechanism. If your partner likes you so much that they want to use your body for their pleasure, that’s a validating experience. To be desired, and to be good enough to sexually gratify someone else, is validating. To know that your body is capable of bringing someone else great pleasure is validating. To have someone that WANTS you enough to use you is validating. That makes you feel like you’re pretty good, which is why it’s pleasurable. Domination and submission are validating, which is why they’re more common elements of sex.
One way in which validation is produced in even larger amounts is through confronting our deepest fears and most hurtful feelings. By facing those fears – either by acting them out on someone else (sadism) or by surrendering to them in a scenario where we’re in control (masochism) – we can temporarily overcome our deepest concerns and feel pleasurable validation from doing so.
Masochism can be broadly defined as finding pleasure from feeling pain, either physical pain or mental pain (such as hurtful emotions). Many authors describe masochistic behavior (which includes cuckolding) as a way to feel good about oneself, because the sense of being unjustly treated, humiliated, or abused, provides gratification. By taking on the role of the victim, you gain gratification from bearing an unjust amount of emotional (or physical) pain.
Otto Kernberg, in “Clinical Dimensions Of Masochism” (1988), writes:
“The self-punitive price paid for sexual gratification… also provides approval… and, by the same token, an increase in self-esteem. Insofar as [we] regulate self-esteem by self-directed approval or criticism, masochistic behavior patterns have important functions in neurotically maintaining self-esteem and, in metapsychological terms, in assuring the ego’s narcissistic supplies.” (Edited for clarity)
Essentially, it provides validation and approval, and is an attempt to increase self-esteem. If you feel inadequate, you can find comfort in being unjustly treated.
This is because it’s essentially your greatest fear, the thing that you’re subconsciously most worried about. When you can confront that, and make it through, it’s incredibly validating. You gain pure pleasure from overcoming your most hurtful fears and feelings. You gain a sense of validation from overcoming your greatest fears, and validation creates pleasure.
Inadequacy is not the only thing that can be eroticized by these masochistic means – powerlessness for example can be eroticized by turning the deep pain and fear around powerlessness into gratification by creating a situation where this is acted upon you; you are powerless, and finding validation from being a victim of that pain.
Through this “masochistic” angle, inadequacy is eroticized into cuckolding, humiliation, or any other scenario where you are inadequate. Powerlessness is eroticized through fantasies of being tied up and without any power. Shame becomes eroticized through fantasies of being shameful, and helplessness becomes eroticized through fantasies of being helpless. All because they create validation from the unjust treatment.
Robert Stoller writes:
“Masochism is a technique of control, first discovered in childhood following trauma, the onslaught of the unexpected. The child believes it can prevent further trauma by re-enacting the original trauma. Then, as master of the script, he is no longer a victim; he can decide for himself when to suffer pain rather than having it strike without warning.”
By surrendering to those emotions consensually, you become the one in charge. You have the power, and even though you’re the victim, you’re choosing to be the victim, and it’s happening for your pleasure.
This is just one categorization of fetishes, where you become the victim of those emotions. In the other side of fetishes, the sadistic category, the pleasure is gained not from being the victim but the victor; it involves inflicting those emotions on someone else, and being the one in charge. Then, you no longer feel a victim to those painful emotions but have a way to gain power over them, by creating a situation where you are the aggressor and have power over those emotions. Again, it’s gratifying; this time you find validation from being powerful, and being in control. It makes you feel like you’ve made it. To conquer those emotions feels validating.
Robert Stoller defines “perversion” as:
“A habitual, preferred aberration necessary for one’s full satisfaction, primarily motivated by hostility. The hostility in perversion takes form in a fantasy of revenge hidden in the actions that make up the perversion and serves to convert childhood trauma to adult triumph.”
A “fantasy of revenge” is a way for us to act those painful emotions onto others, to feel power over our greatest fears. Sadism and its derivatives eroticize deep-seated emotions by creating sexual fantasies involving overcoming those emotions by being the one who inflicts them onto someone else. Through the sadistic angle, inadequacy would be eroticized through fantasies of superiority. Powerlessness would be eroticized though fantasies of power (tying someone else up). Shame would be eroticized through fantasies of shaming others, and helplessness would be eroticized by making someone else feel helpless. All of these scenarios conquer the painful emotions as a triumphant “fantasy of revenge”.
An exhibitionist gains excitement from exposing his genitals to unsuspecting women. He does not seek to impress or amuse; his aim is to shock them. He wants to see them scream, run away, recoil, or even call the police. Why? Because he likes the shock. He likes feeling able to shock people. It makes him feel important, noticeable, and powerful. He gains validation from inflicting pain on his victim, as a way to overcome bad feelings about himself. This is one example of how painful emotions can be eroticized through a sadistic-type fetish.
Jack Morin writes:
“The sadist takes command of his or her psychic wounds by skilfully administering pain to an enthusiastic recipient. The sadist is spared the discomfort of the hurt and is also gratified and subconsciously relieved to observe that the masochist clearly likes it. Old wounds are simultaneously avenged and transformed into an erotic high. The sadist is beyond merely being safe and has the illusion of omnipotence.”
And, once again, this becomes pleasurable because validation is conducive to survival. We are wired to feel pleasure at anything that makes us feel validated.
Thus, there are four main mechanisms in which we can find validation and therefore pleasure from sex through fetishes – domination, submission, sadism, and masochism.
Lastly, when growing up, we are all told which behaviors are “wrong” or “naughty”. When we do naughty things, we are often punished, restricted, or told that we are bad. This creates an emotional pain and negative association with naughtiness.
Thus, in adulthood (where emotional pain is eroticized), we are aroused by naughtiness, and attracted to things which are “taboo”. By either masochistically surrendering to naughtiness, or sadistically seeking a fantasy of revenge through naughtiness, we find pleasurable validation through engaging in taboo sexual acts, either as the victim or the victor – or perhaps just a participant. We become aroused by things that are taboo – as an eroticization of the emotional pain around being naughty.
Cuckolding is a variant of masochism, and can sometimes involve other masochistic elements such as humiliation, chastity, feminization, and more. It’s pleasurable because the sense of being unjustly treated is a way to counteract deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy. Its taboo nature adds to the arousal.
“The negative becomes positive. Tragedy becomes triumph. Aversion becomes addiction. Lust is reconciled with hurt and humiliation by the paradoxical erotization of suffering into the ecstasy of orgasmic masochism.” – Dr John Money
ACTION: Identifying Emotions
Take some time to think about exactly what part of cuckolding turns you on the most. Try and remember your favorite porn video, picture, or story – just one. Then narrow it down further to your favorite part of your favorite porn scene, or whatever really gets you going. Perhaps it’s a picture, an imaginary thought, or a memory. Whatever it is, find your #1 most arousing thing. Try and get as specific as possible, and narrow it down to the exact moment.
Then, identify exactly what emotions this involves. Some people are more turned on by guilt, others involve shame, and some people get off on neglect. Some like being excluded, some like being humiliated, some like being disrespected, some like being emasculated, some like being compared and rejected. Try as hard as you can to feel it, rather than rationally thinking about it, because thoughts will lead you astray. Connect with the emotions. Imagine it in a non-sexual setting and ask: “How would this make someone feel?”
The emotions, as opposed to the thoughts, are key. We all naturally create stories, justifications, reasons, interpretations, judgements, and more to explain what’s inside us. Don’t do that. Just feel. You don’t even have to name it, as long as you know and remember that feeling.
This is your personal erotic blueprint. The exact constitution varies for everyone, but with cuckolding it is generally centered around:
Not being good enough (whether that involves guilt, shame, anxiety, inferiority, or anything else) combined with:
Fears of infidelity, a betrayal of trust, destroying loyalty and security (insecurity).
Feelings of being excluded, left out, discarded, abandoned.
This gives you a clue as to the emotions, concerns, self-perception, and fears that are deep-rooted inside yourself. I’ll refer to all this as just “inadequacy” for simplicity, but your own mix will be unique to you.
You may also have other fetishes/kinks. You can repeat this exercise for them too, and find what emotional pain or fear they are turning into pleasure, or in what way they bring you validation. They’re usually quite closely linked.
Conclusion: The Cause Of Fetishes
In summary, a sense of inadequacy leads to finding pleasure in inadequacy-confirming scenarios either as a way of being protected from these hurtful feelings, or as an escape from self-awareness, or as a way of receiving validation. These explanations explain the same thing through different angles and levels of complexity. If you’re still unsure about exactly why fetishes form, or if all of this seems too confusing to you, then ignore the complexities and stick with the summary: fetishes form to deal with deep-rooted emotional pain.
All sexual behavior is pleasurable because it provides us with validation, and fetishes provide us with heightened validation by overcoming our fears and negative subconscious feelings, or somehow otherwise affirming our self-worth.
The need for extra validation can be created through unmet needs (particularly in childhood, but also in the present day) or negative perceptions of self-worth. The fears and negative feelings can also be created by many factors and negative experiences in childhood, development, and the present. By overcoming past struggles, we find immense sexual pleasure.
Cuckolding is the eroticization of inadequacy.
The More, The Better
What’s more arousing:
- Your wife is cheating on you with a fairly unattractive, chubby guy with a small penis. He’s a bit of a loser – not very confident, not socially successful, and not comfortable in himself. He spends a lot of time giving her oral sex; he wants to make her happy. She pretends to like it and fakes her orgasm. She refuses to give him a blowjob; she doesn’t like it. He finishes quickly, and then it’s over.
- Your wife is cheating on you with a ripped stud who has a huge penis. She moans in pleasure. He dominates her and she loves it. She can’t hold back her orgasm. He uses her body for his pleasure. It lasts for hours. He is confident, socially successful, and comfortable in himself. She turns into a slut for him; something you’ve never experienced before. She lets him do whatever he wants with her, and she loves it.
The first scenario is not very arousing. The second is. Why?
It’s because the second scenario creates a greater sense of inadequacy inside you. That’s why it’s more arousing. Everything about the second scenario increases the amount of inadequacy that you feel, and because this inadequacy is the source of the pleasure in this fetish, it becomes more arousing.
In the second scenario, you’re made to feel inferior. If the man has a large penis, a good body, a high social standing or a commanding personality, it will obviously make him seem more superior, and therefore make you feel inferior. Hearing her moan in pleasure and submit to his will is confirmation – and that’s where the pleasure comes from. Her enjoyment is what makes you feel inadequate.
The more inadequacy you feel, the more arousing it becomes.
That’s why cuckold porn can frequently stray into humiliating/degrading territories. The more they can create a sense of inadequacy in the viewer, the more arousing it becomes. There is admittedly a limit for each person as to what they’re willing to tolerate, so it’s not never-ending because of those mental boundaries created by the individual, but the basic concept is: the more inadequacy the better.
Furthermore, there’s evidence that your natural sense of disgust is dampened by sexual arousal. This means that boundaries can be pushed further into progressively more horrible situations without much restraint. If that induces a sense of inadequacy, then that’s the path that you’ll find arousing. Cuckolding can frequently stray into very extreme, degrading, or humiliating areas for this reason.
More inadequacy = more arousal.
Adding an interracial element can be another way to introduce further feelings of inadequacy, and therefore make it more arousing. That’s why interracial sex is a common (but by no means necessary) part of cuckolding.
The interracial element actually doesn’t need to involve racist stereotypes of other races being sexually superior. I’ve heard theories from people claiming it’s some subtle deep-rooted racism, but there’s no evidence for that – and although it may be true in some cases, it doesn’t explain the majority of non-racist people who like interracial porn.
Even though white men with a cuckold fetish generally have a black man in the dominant role (the “bull”), many Asian men actually have a white man in the dominant role. And of course, there are black men who have a cuckold fetish too! It’s not about particular races and the stereotypes of that race. Sometimes the arousal can come from the taboo aspect, if it’s seen as “bad” or “wrong” like it still is in some parts of the world, and the aforementioned mechanism by which taboo acts are eroticized. For the cuckold fetish, however, it’s mainly about creating a greater sense of inadequacy. One way to do that is by being of a different race.
Inadequacy Through Being Unattainable
If you’re a white man, then seeing a woman become attracted to a black man is almost hurtful because it is something that you can never be. You can never change to become that; it is something that you will never get and are not able to ever be. It is a competition that you can’t even compete in; you are an automatic loser, simply by being different.
You are of a different race, which is something you can never change, and seeing her be attracted to a different race is a form of attraction that does not include you. Not only are you are not included in that attraction, but you never will be. You are excluded.
Seeing women experience pleasure from black men is hurtful because you will never be able to fulfil that role. Seeing many women “go black” in porn, particularly when this happens over and over again across many different women such that it seems to be all women in porn, creates a sense of rejection, more so than cheating with someone of the same race, because it totally excludes you.
Some women do only date black guys (which is a fetish just like any other). This causes a feeling of exclusion and disapproval by being different. You will never be part of that. It’s essentially a large-scale rejection.
That’s the main reason why cuckold porn frequently includes an interracial element. By being significantly different, and unattainably so, it can create a sense of inadequacy. The feeling of being different and excluded is the feeling of inadequacy.
It’s not necessarily about the perceived sexual superiority of different races, as many people mistakenly suggest, it’s about the unchangeable difference.
But this is not the only element of inadequacy in the interracial element. Some explanations do involve stereotypes and prejudice, and although they won’t be present in the majority, they’re not insignificant because they draw on universal principles which are still true regardless of race. Let’s explore the others.
If the man has a big penis, it creates a sense of insecurity, and therefore creates arousal. Even if you have a big penis yourself, it can still create insecurity by making you aware of the “competition”. Stereotypes would link this trait with black men, and thus create arousal even when they don’t have a big penis, by creating the assumption or feeling that they do. For most people, that assumption isn’t present – but the arousal from penis size still is.
It’s safe to say that a man with a tiny penis is less arousing; it doesn’t incite as much inadequacy to turn into sexual pleasure. Much cuckold porn includes an element of humiliation over having a smaller penis, or some form of that. This is probably the #1 most popular insecurity for all men, so it makes sense why it would be arousing to see a woman be satisfied by a bigger penis – it triggers a painful sense of inadequacy, which is turned into sexual pleasure.
Even if you don’t have a particularly small penis, you can still have a perception that penis size is important, and fear having a small penis. These fears can be eroticized through small penis humiliation and seeing the woman have sex with someone who has a large penis.
Stereotypes would link this with race. In porn, black men are overwhelmingly portrayed as having exceptionally large penises; interracial porn doesn’t just involve a black man, it involves a black man with a large penis – nearly always. Repeated exposure to this through porn might create an association in your mind, such that “black” almost becomes synonymous with “large penis”.
There are also different types of porn that link the black race with better bodies or sexual superiority. Seeing this over and over again creates mental associations, which can easily start to be linked with all black men. Repeated exposure to this type of porn is one way in which stereotypes can occur in people who haven’t previously formed stereotypes.
An obese man is much less arousing than a muscular man, because it’s the inadequacy that they create that’s the source of the pleasure, and if some people relate certain characteristics to certain races, they will feel that sense of inadequacy whether or not those characteristics are present.
In summary, interracial sex can create a sense of inadequacy by being unattainably different, but also by potentially drawing on stereotypes which increase the sense of inadequacy, insecurity, and inferiority, and perhaps also by introducing an aspect of “taboo”.
ACTION: Identifying Inadequacy
Do you feel any sense of inadequacy about sex? Here are some possible things you might feel insecure about:
Body – size, shape, and muscularity
Sexual performance (how long you can last in bed, or the intensity of your sex)
Sexual innocence – perhaps you’re relatively inexperienced in bed, and insecure about that
This fetish – having this fetish can make you insecure! Maybe you’re insecure that you’re not dominant enough, or that you don’t have a nicer fetish, or that your partner won’t be sexually fulfilled by you because of your fetish.
Whatever you’re insecure about, become aware of it. Bring it to your attention. Part of what makes this fetish difficult to change is that a lot of these things are subconscious – they’re not in your conscious awareness. Until we make them conscious, they can never be healed. So, become aware of your sexual insecurities.
It may be useful to repeat this sentence in your head:
I am insecure about _______. It makes me feel ______.
When considering sexual insecurities, it’s particularly relevant to consider how women feel about it. So, ask yourself: what do you think women think about your insecurity?
Women think ________.
Bring these thoughts to your conscious awareness.
Other Sources Of Inadequacy
Inadequacy is not just created through the interracial aspect though. There are many other ways to increase the sense of inadequacy.
In the cuckold fetish, some people like when the girl acts like a “slut”. That’s still the eroticization of inadequacy. The sense of inadequacy here comes from thinking that she, deep down, wants sex more than her monogamous relationship. It’s thinking that she would give in to her sexual urges at the sacrifice of her partner. It’s assuming that one man is not enough to fulfil a woman’s sexual needs – you can never be good enough.
When a girl acts slutty, it can be arousing by those mechanisms. Even more so if it doesn’t involve you! It’s still the eroticization of inadequacy.
Partner / Provider Inadequacy
Sometimes, the “bull” in cuckold porn can be the woman’s ex-boyfriend. Obviously, this eroticizes a commonly painful feeling – the feeling of being compared to previous lovers, and losing. The thought of a wife/girlfriend enjoying their ex more than you is extremely painful. It triggers feelings of inferiority.
Sometimes, the “bull” is someone’s boss. This isn’t so common but it’s an interesting point to make: it’s still the eroticization of inadequacy. This time though, it’s finding arousal in the thought that the girl wants to have sex with a guy that’s got more money, power, or status, so the insecurity is related more to that than to things like penis size. It’s eroticizing non-sexual inadequacy. That doesn’t mean that if you are aroused by that, you have no money, power, or status – it just means you’re insecure or concerned that women want that.
Most of the time the bull is simply someone who’s high up on the dominance hierarchy. The dominance hierarchy is a social structure that is created to establish a ranking system. In social groups, members are likely to compete for access to limited resources and mating opportunities. Rather than fighting each time they meet, relative relationships are formed between members of the same sex. Based on these repetitive interactions, a social order is created known as the dominance hierarchy.
That’s where the concept of an “alpha male” comes from – it’s a man who’s at the top of the dominance hierarchy. Women are naturally drawn to him, and men want to be him. One of our basic drives is to attempt to climb this social hierarchy in order to have the best possible chance of finding a mate. It’s our most deeply ingrained idea of whether we’re good enough or not. So, someone higher up on the dominance hierarchy can create in us a greater sense of inadequacy at a very deep level. This could be someone with more confidence, power, or money.
ACTION: Identifying Inadequacy 2
Similar to the previous exercise, I want you to become aware of anything else that might make you feel insecure. Here’s some possibilities.
Your social ranking
Your “street cred” or “coolness”
Your social authority
Your perceived ability to fit in
Your worth as a partner
Again, become aware of anything that affects your sense of self-worth as a partner. Complete this sentence:
I am insecure about ____.
It makes me feel _____.
Women think _____.
The cuckold fetish forms as a way to turn a fear or sense of inadequacy into sexual pleasure. This sense of inadequacy is induced by the humiliating scenario of the cuckold fetish alongside other potential factors.
This means that you have a fear or sense of inadequacy – that’s what’s being turned into sexual pleasure. If you want to get rid of this fetish, all you need to do is to get rid of that. That is the focus of this course: overcoming fears and feelings of inadequacy.
Generally, a fear of inadequacy coincides with a sense of inadequacy. It’s hard to have one without the other. If you fear inadequacy, you’ll be concerned that you’re inadequate, and thus always unconsciously have a lingering feeling of inadequacy. If you have a sense of inadequacy, you’ll hope it’s not true and fear anything that confirms that.
Hopefully it’s clear that there are many different forms of inadequacy and insecurity which are eroticized through the cuckold fetish. Whether it’s purely sexual inadequacy – not feeling good enough in bed – or mixed with other types of inadequacy, it all comes down worrying that you’re not good enough.
Sometimes, sexual inadequacy can be dealt with by becoming more confident in bed; learning how to be a better lover, for example, or going to the gym and getting a better body. Likewise, by becoming happier with your role as a partner, by working on your career or becoming a better person, or whatever’s right for you, you can overcome other forms of inadequacy too.
However, these are usually just surface-level insecurities that are manifestations of a deeper problem. Improving on these things works to some extent, particularly for those who are severely below average. For most people, it is the deeper subconscious problem which is more pressing.
This is a deep, long lasting, and pervasive influence, that is not easily healed. It is formed in childhood, and usually strengthened throughout life. This itself is a generalized explanation. Everyone is different and totally unique, and the exact emotions are an interconnected whirlwind of not just inadequacy but many similar feelings which themselves are unique, nuanced, and completely individual. Some people may have particular fears about infidelity, some might feel like a failure with women. Some may have more shame, others may fear abandonment.
The origin of these feelings is something which will also be unique to you. Everyone has different reasons, and different contexts for those reasons. We all go through different things in life, and then we interpret those different things in different ways, against a different backdrop having had previous different experiences which make us see the new different experiences in a completely unique light.
However, it is not totally restrictive, and by understanding how and why it forms as well as what to do about it, you can heal this and find freedom from its constraints. This is an individual journey that you must embark on yourself, using this course as information on where to look. I can only give clues; you must draw your own map.
Cuckolding is the eroticization of inadequacy.
To get rid of this fetish, you need to get rid of the pain of inadequacy.
Author(s) || Connor McGonigal
Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com
Article || 1.2 Subconscious
Date || Between January 27th, 2018 and May 29th, 2019
contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]