3.2 Development

Planted: September 1, 2022
Last tended: February 25, 2023


Video Transcript The previous section on childhood is guaranteed. We all go through that to some extent, when it happens a lot, then it becomes a significant level of subconscious inadequacy, even the most perfect people in the world that you might know, they will still have gone through this to some level. There are a number of additional reasons though, for subconscious inadequacy. Now with cuckolding, the inadequacy tends to be more specifically centered around women, or sex or relationships, less of a subconscious sense about ourselves completely as a person more about ourselves around women, or around sex or around relationships or anything of that area. Of course, that is in addition to what we spoke about about being formed in childhood. There are a number of possible reasons for this. The first one that we’re going to talk about is the developmental absence of masculine role models. This is likely I would say, in fact, this is, this is way more common than it sounds. Because of the society that most of us live in. I don’t know where you are in the world. But most societies kind of live in this similar sort of society where this would have an effect. Essentially, men born after World War Two grew up during the only era of recent Western history in which it was not always a good thing to be male. This was primarily the result of two significant changes in society, the first being that boys were disconnected from their fathers and other healthy male role models. And the second being boys ended up seeking approval from women and accepting a female perspective of what it meant to be male. I’m going to explain these in just a bit. But as a result of these two factors, many boys and men came to believe that they had to hide or eliminate any negative masculine traits or just male traits, and become what they believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this life strategy seemed essential if they wanted to be loved and fit in and get their needs met have a smooth life. So in the years after World War Two, many countries over the world were undergoing a change in society, from one based around farming and agriculture, agriculture, to an industrial manufacturing society. This meant that families migrated to urban areas. In the USA in 1910, a third of families lived on farms, but in 1970 96% of families lived in urban areas. In the past, boys would connect with their fathers by working alongside them in the fields. This included extended contact with grandfathers, uncles, cousins, but having all of this contact with men provided boys with an intimate model of maleness. They had all the tools they needed to develop and nourish their inner masculinity in a way that was true to the nature of their masculinity, instead of trying to change it or suppress certain aspects. Having extended contact with masculine role models would encourage the inner masculine traits of that boy, that boy would grow up comfortable in that aspect of himself knowing that that part of him is good enough, just as He is. Bear in mind that this pre war society wasn’t perfect and probably shamed any feminine aspects in the boy to the goal here is wholeness. The aim is to let a boy know that it is okay to be just who he is. Each of us has some masculinity and some femininity for boys. Obviously, it’s usually predominantly masculinity. And if this masculinity is shamed, or discouraged or just not modeled very well, then that boy will grow up feeling like he’s not good enough, just as He is. More specifically, that part of him is not good enough, just as He is. But as families migrated from farms to cities, the time that fathers spent with their sons diminished significantly. they’d leave home in the morning to go to work and not get back until the evening. And that’s if they’re still around. Divorce rates tripled from 1940 to 1970. Boys were most of the time left with their mothers in that case, because of all of this. Women were left with the job of letting the boys know that in a masculinity, and all parts of themselves are okay just as they are. This led to many boys growing up with a female perspective of masculinity, which would usually involve some sort of projection of their opinion on how men should behave, as opposed to encouraging masculinity in its entirety. Some parts of masculinity are obviously not appealing to some women, not all women, but some women. No woman wants their little boy to grow up to be inconsiderate, or a jerk, or aggressive, or just, you know, overly competitive. So boys were told to be more gentle, more caring, calmer, instead of being just as they are. Of course, it’s good to be caring and everything else. But to feel the need to act in a certain way, in order to be good, is just like we’ve talked about it’s unequivocally bad to do that. Starting in the 60s and 70s, radical feminism projected an angry generalization about men. Some started to claim that men were the cause of all the problems in the world. slogans like men are pigs, and all men are rapists. That obviously ludicrous but they’re also less angry slogans like a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. That all combined with the generally anti male sentiment during this time, that can actually have a pretty negative effect on men who were already conditioned to look to women for approval and for definition, men had to figure out what women wanted to try to become that in order to be loved to get their needs met. Again, it’s trying to basically to fulfill expectations of how they should behave, instead of being just as they are. This is what we spoke about before. And by the way, let’s not get lost in downsides of feminism, right feminism. Fantastic, right? Women used to be demonized and treated like they were subhuman. And it’s amazing how feminine feminism has changed the world in a more fair, direction. fairness, justice, and freedom are all great things to strive for. They are the ultimate target. The goal is for everyone to grow up in a society that doesn’t impose expectations about what you need to be, but rather just allows everyone to be just as they are. If you grew up being told to be something that you’re not, you will live your life, feeling that deep down, you’re inadequate. That is one of the downsides of the society that I grew up in. Because I grew up thinking it was not okay for me to be just as I am, because I was told I needed to be more sensitive, be more gentle, be What Women Want me to be, instead of being me. This is just another form of inadequacy. Of course, women had it worse when they were told that no matter what you can’t have a career, you have to stay at home and be a housewife. Doesn’t matter who you are. You can’t be like that you need to act like this. Feminism did really great. But obviously, we have a way to go until we reach a society that just allows people to be who they are based on what’s in their brain and how they act, not what’s between their legs, because ultimately, that’s an inferior judge of character. And for men like me, who grew up without the permission to be myself, because that involve traits of masculinity, which was seen as bad. We still don’t live in that society, where we have the freedom to be who we really are. What I’m saying is that there are or there were, well, no, there still are many messages in society that prevent men from being who they are. Combined with the disconnection from male role models that resulted from industrialization. Men had a hard time knowing that it’s okay to just be themselves. Be don’t have to be gentle. It’s okay to have masculine traits of competitiveness and sexual assertiveness. exhibitionism, ego, thirst for experience. boisterousness power, these can all be good things, but when you grow up thinking that women don’t want these things, it’s hard to believe this. So this is really about reclaiming masculinity if this really speaks to you, but also, be careful not to go too far the other way. A it’s important to note that also, some people have the complete opposite of this. They grew up being told, you know, you can’t cry, you can’t show emotions because that’s weak. That’s not what a real man does. So be careful with this. Remember, exaggerated masculinity can be a mask for toxic shame, too. We’ve seen this more and more recently, in the growing backlash against feminism. If you now think that you need to be competitive and assertive and boisterous to be good, well, then we’ve not really come any further than before, there’s still no need to do something to be good. It’s a matter of self acceptance. You don’t need to be gentle and sensitive to be good. That doesn’t mean you can’t be gentle or sensitive. That doesn’t mean you need to treat women in sensitively to be good. Like with the nice guy mask, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be nice, just means that you don’t have to in order to be good. You don’t have to do anything in order to be good. So how do you find out what you really are? How do you know if you’re being sensitive and gentle for other people? Or because it’s really who you are? How do you know your masculinity is genuine? Well, if we just think about it, you’ll never know the true answer. Because these societal messages are buried in the subconscious. Our conscious brain does not know who we really are. The key can be found in isolation. When we completely separate ourselves from people for a period of time, we have no one to impress, and no one to get sympathy from either. We have total freedom to be just as we are. Takes a lot of time to find that out. So many periods of isolation can be necessary. But this can, this can just be as simple as going somewhere on your own by yourself. Whether it’s a week away, or just a short trip out, it’s a good idea to do more things by yourself. You’ll discover who you are, what you like about yourself and, and what rules you choose to govern your life. You can also use this as an opportunity to reflect on yourself and your life direction. But it’s Oh, and it’s a good time to practice taking responsibility for your own needs. Again, because then you won’t have to please or compromise. Just get up when you want go to bed. When you want decide when and what to eat all by yourself. It’s just a really good idea to spend some time alone. By the way, if you isolate yourself for too long, you’ll lose who you really are. Because you won’t be able to get all your needs met on your own, you’ll develop coping methods and strategies to get your needs met. This time alone is spent most effectively when you can observe your tendency to distract yourself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy or using porn, or food or alcohol or internet or TV or anything else to medicate. Remember, we do so many things to be good. Because being bad means being abandoned and alone. So spending time alone, indirectly addresses that deep rooted unreasonable subconscious fear of being alone, you’ll learn that nothing bad happens when you’re alone. And if you don’t already, it’s a good idea to heal this to get some more face to face time with other men. A lot of guys with toxic shame and inadequacy they, they don’t really spend a lot of time around other men. Because this is this fetish specifically, it’s kind of related towards women towards how we act around them. A lot of guys would just prefer spending time with women. If that’s you, then get more time with other men. You can start out on the internet, but it’s really important to get it face to face eventually, and with groups of other men to and again, this is just about kind of reclaiming your masculinity and learning that certain masculine traits are okay. So from this section, I want you to have just expanded your awareness of the messages in society and the changes in society that may have contributed to a sense of inadequacy or subconscious shame about who we are. There are so many things in life that tell us that we’re not good enough. to discover who we really are to heal this we can spend more time alone but like I say not too much so far this has just been relating to masculinity so now let’s take a look at some additional reasons

This won’t apply to everyone but I go over some really important general points in this video.

This is all about β€œneeding to do something to be good”.

The goal should be for everyone to grow up in a society that doesn’t impose expectations about what you need to be, but rather allows everyone to be just as they are. If you grow up being told to be something that you’re not, you will live your life feeling that deep down you’re inadequate – that you need to change to be good enough, because you’re not good enough just as you are.

Feeling like you’re not enough of a man can be formed from the shaming and rejection of your masculinity. This is a common problem in our society, formed from many factors including industrialisation & urban migration, the societal modelling of a female perspective of masculinity, and the shaming of men by some misguided individuals aiming for equality but missing.

Reclaim your masculinity, and reclaim your femininity if necessary; reclaim your full self, and understand that it’s ok to be you, because the opposite is the foundation of inadequacy.


Author(s) || Connor McGonigal

Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com

Article || 3.2 Development

Date || Between January 27th and November 14th, 2018


tags: [“evergreen”]

contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]

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