Should You Even Change?
This page was last modified: January 14th, 2023
Should you change your fetish, or just accept it?
In recent years, the “anti-kink-shaming” movement has intended to teach people that their sexual interests are not inherently shameful. The idea behind this movement is to recognise that society demonizes fetishes, and creates shame around having them. This societal shame is unfair, unjust, unwarranted, and really unhelpful.
Truthfully, there’s nothing wrong with having a fetish. It’s very normal, common, and doesn’t need “fixing”. Although the prevalence of fetishes is unknown, they’re anecdotally widespread. The shame is unnecessary.
This anti-kink-shaming movement aims to communicate that. A noble goal, certainly. The world would be a better place if we didn’t shame each other. Cuckolding is shameful in society, but it shouldn’t be; it’s no-one else’s business what other people do in their bedrooms between consenting adults.
However, despite their best efforts, some people may still feel shame about their fetish.
This is the point at which it DOES become a problem. If you’re upset, unhappy, ashamed, and lacking in confidence and self-esteem as a result, it’s obviously a problem.
There are two ways to deal with this: either truly accept your fetish, or change it.
The first method of acceptance will help you to overcome any shame from society and resulting negative feelings. This is a great technique, that will help a lot of people who have bad feelings about their fetish. Some people have boundaries in the wrong places, or have false ideas about fetishes, and changing those things will be much better for them. However, this is not for everyone, because in some people, shame doesn’t just come from society; it comes from within.
If this shame comes from within – from your deepest values as a person – then these are people that would benefit more from change. Acceptance can help on some level, to feel more at ease and reduce the negative feelings. But removing them altogether is extremely hard when your fetish contradicts your values, because shame comes from within.
Therefore, if you’re feeling bad about your fetish and not sure whether you should change or accept it, you should understand shame.
Shame is an emotion that we feel when we knowingly make a mistake, or do something wrong. We feel shame when we do something that we regret, or do something different to what we want. Shame, on its own (not from society) is a very healthy human emotion. In fact, conscious shame is necessary in being human. It tells us of our limits. Shame is there to keep us grounded, to remind ourselves that we are not perfect, we have limits, and we are only human – without this we would be in a lot of danger. Conscious shame is the psychological foundation of humility.
If we do something bad, we feel shame. Sure, society can influence what we consider to be bad or good, but we also have an internal moral compass that can tell us that too. Our values determine how we live our lives, and some people do not value the act of cuckolding. The shame comes from within. If you value monogamy and loyalty in relationships, the cuckold fetish will always contradict your values, and will always make you feel shame. The idea that you should just accept your fetish because it shouldn’t be socially shameful is totally missing this point; for some people, it’s impossible to accept, not just because of society, but because it’s not what they want in life.
Example: If you learn that alcohol gives you confidence and makes you happy, you’ll feel pretty good about that. But if you drink all the time you should start to feel shame about that. Because you know that you’re addicted, that you’re using it because you don’t feel OK just as you are. Perhaps society does shame addictions, but really the shame comes from within; if it didn’t, you’d get addicted to things very easily. People who lack a healthy sense of shame frequently struggle with substance abuse problems.*
Example: If you start gambling, you may well have some good luck. But when you lose, shame is there to remind you that you can lose, that you are only human and make mistakes. Shame stops you from deluding yourself into thinking you can win more. Shame keeps you grounded. You SHOULD feel shame when you lose money from gambling. That’s a good thing! Shame helps you to know that you are not god. People who lack a healthy sense of shame can have gambling problems.*
Example: If you start eating all the food you want, at some point, you’ll get fat. Shame is there to remind you that your actions have consequences, that you can’t eat endlessly, and that you have limits. The societal fat-shaming is unnecessary, but the shame from inside is very useful. It prevents you from acting against your values. People who lack a healthy sense of shame can also struggle with overeating.*
Example: Perhaps you have a fantasy about being a famous writer, or becoming the president, or even a famous singer. Everyone does have some unrealistic dreams. Shame is there to tell us our limits. Without limits, we will waste our energy on goals we cannot reach or on things we cannot change. That’s why people who lack a healthy sense of shame frequently get caught in boundless delusions of grandeur and, with no boundaries or limits they have no direction, and, turning this way and that, they either somehow have a direction imposed on them and find success, or frequently just end up going nowhere overall.*
The point is, shame does not just come from society. Essentially, shame comes from making mistakes, and sure society can tell us what’s a mistake and what’s not, but so can we. We know when we’ve done something wrong, and we’re perfectly capable of deciding for ourselves what “wrong” is. And this comes from our values. We all want different things and our values determine where we feel shame.
Why Does Society Shame Fetishes?
Simple answer: because some members of society have different values. They impose those values on others. They decide it is “wrong” – the wrongness coming from their subjective opinion on wrongness which is informed by their values. If enough people share these values in aggregate, then society as a whole will create shame around this area. Cuckolding is shamed because it goes against most people’s values.
You’re a different person and shouldn’t live your life based on what other people think, so this societal shame should be ignored.
But shame doesn’t just come from society. If your values are contradictory to cuckolding, then you’re going to feel a lot of shame from having a cuckold fantasy.
Some people value monogamy very highly. Many men just want one loving partner. Many men really aren’t comfortable with an open relationship. Many men just want to be loved by someone that only has sex with them. Casual sex is almost a painful concept to some people, because it’s against their values.
For these men, having a cuckold fetish is hurtful because it directly contradicts their values.
Their cuckold fetish makes them sexually want their wife to have sex with other men. But they really don’t want that.
If this sounds like you, then being told to “just accept it” is not going to help you.
Imagine valuing honesty but having a compulsion to lie. Or valuing clear communication but having a stutter. That would be awful!
Imagine really liking children but having a sexual fetish for raping them. Paedophilia is not awful just because of the shame from other people. It’s awful because if you’re a paedophile with any remnant of sanity you have different values, and having a sexual compulsion to act in direct contradiction to those values is horrible. It’s mental torture.
Telling people that their only option is to “accept it” is directly causing a great deal of pain for so many people.
Acceptance of something so contradictory to your identity is extremely difficult. Changing your cuckold fetish can be easier (this is the purpose of this website).
Telling someone to accept something that makes them so sad is as harmful as kink-shaming itself. It’s value-shaming, identity-shaming, and individuality-shaming. It shames the very essence of their being. It is to not see them as people, as individuals, with their own thoughts, feelings, and their own ways of life, but instead to view them as wrong.
Should you change your fetish? Well, if you’re happy, then obviously not. If you’re sad, but that sadness is created by society, then no, you should work on acceptance. If your fetish contradicts your values, then you’ll have a very hard time accepting it, and you may benefit more from change.
Acceptance is a valid technique in all cases to deal with the unnecessary societal shame and reduce horrible self-loathing. Change is a solution for those who have contradictory values.
*People who lack a healthy sense of shame often struggle with “toxic shame”, that is, their shame is not directed at what it should be but rather at themselves. Their healthy shame is overridden by a sense that they are shameful, as a person, that they’re shameful just for existing, that they’re somehow flawed or defective or inadequate. I refer to it on this site as “subconscious inadequacy” but they’re the same thing: a sense that you’re not good enough just as you are. It’s the psychological core of this fetish. That’s why many people with this fetish struggle with problems such as gambling, overeating, substance abuse, and particularly addictions. Toxic shame prevents you from feeling normal, healthy shame, and it’s the psychological core of cuckolding.
Author(s) || Connor McGonigal
Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com
Article || Kink Shaming: Should You Even Change?
Date || Between July 8th, 2018 and February 6th, 2020
contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]