3.4 Culture
Planted: September 1, 2022
Last tended: February 25, 2023
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Video Transcript
Let’s talk about cultural inadequacy. That is sense of inadequacy that is formed by our culture. Now, I don’t know, actually where you are in the world, you might be from a completely different culture. In this, I’m really talking about English speaking Western culture, I think this will still apply to you though. And it’s always good to just take these principles and apply them to wherever you’re from. But there are many parts of culture that can make us feel inadequate. And when we are bombarded by these messages, it does have a real negative effect on our well being. I’m going to try and cover them all in one slide. But this is an absolutely massive topic. Let’s start with media. By that I mean newspapers, TV, online news, and entertainment websites, all these things bombard us with messages that were in some way inadequate. Why? Well, because it makes us want to read their articles or watch their programs or click those links. They get money when we do that. And typically, to get us to click their links or buy that stuff. They will either use insecurity or fear. Or sometimes sometimes they’re good and just use curiosity in the headlines. Most of the time, though, they will incite in us a sense of inadequacy, to make us click their links, or by their articles, so that we can then find out how to fix ourselves, and they get money. When we do that. I’m going to read you a collection of headlines that I found on the internet. When I’m reading these, just think how they make you feel Do you feel confident in yourself and good enough, just as you are? Or do you feel insecure, inadequate and have the need to fix this. So here we go. 14 mistakes every guy makes. Have you been doing this wrong in the shower. Eight essential skills you should already know but don’t 10 clothing mistakes you make every day. My favorite one I found it was a picture of pizza. And the headline says, you’re putting this in your mouth wrong. Come on, it’s ridiculous. I mean, these aren’t hard hitting in any way. And they’re to do with trivial little things. But with the constant exposure that we have to these messages, it creates a society of worrying if we’re good enough, just as we are. Furthermore, as well as media, companies will use fear and insecurity in their marketing. If they sell a fitness product, they’ll tell you in some way that your body isn’t good enough. Maybe they’ll use a picture of stupidly ripped guys to make you feel like that’s where you should be. If they sell a beauty product, especially for women who are more susceptible to this, they’ll use a picture of someone with flawless, photoshopped skin and make you feel like that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s just so inhuman. Our culture is full of these messages. And it’s so important to not let these things define our self worth. TV is filled with beautiful, interesting people that just aren’t representative of the real population. Films are filled with action and excitement, or emotions or drama, or hilarious moments and our lives seem pretty dull in comparison. All these things can make us feel really inadequate. So become aware of this. The next thing I want to talk about is subcultures. Because sometimes, subcultures can make this even worse. And when by subculture I mean when we immerse ourselves in a particular community, which has its own values and emphasizes certain things. Each subculture places its own emphasis on some other factor which can again, define your self worth. In the bodybuilding subculture. It’s about how much you lift or how big you are. Your self worth becomes defined by your body, and how good you are comes to mean how good your body is. And every every subculture places its own emphasis on something different. Certain subcultures will, in some way emphasize the importance of being the alpha male. And our culture in general does this a lot of internet forums, especially those aimed at men, repeatedly hammer in this idea that if you’re not an alpha male, you’re a complete failure in life. Now, of course, we want to be the best we can be we should, we should always strive for more, but these repeated messages, just create more fear around not being the alpha male. Which questions if we’re really good enough, just as we are. It only creates more feelings of inadequacy, which, of course, is then eroticised leading to the fetish. And within this culture of alpha male obsession cockling. So incredibly shameful, which of course only feeds back into the Fetish in this painful cycle of fear and self loathing, which is, by and large created by culture. Everyone wants to be the alpha male, and that’s great. But when it becomes an unhealthy obsession, it becomes damaging, when it stops being a desire and becomes a need, where your self worth is defined by how much of an alpha male you are, that’s when it’s damaging. We see this a lot in the pickup community and guys that go and pick up girls, I see this a lot in movements like the red pill, I don’t know if you’ve seen this, they’re just obsessed with this idea of being the alpha male. And self improvement in general. Now, obviously, self improvement is a great thing, okay. Everyone wants to be the alpha male. But again, when it when it stops being a want and becomes a need, when it becomes an unhealthy obsession. That’s the point where it’s damaging when your self worth is defined by some external factor. So I want you to bring some awareness to any pressure that you might feel to either be the alpha male or, or look at whatever subculture or movement or group you are a part of, just become cautious of having other factors define how good you feel. Now let’s talk about religion. This is an interesting one, strict churches can reinforce a need to be perfect and sinless, which of course, is the foundation of toxic shame because to to make mistakes, is human, to have flaws is human to be imperfect, is human. And that’s what healthy shame signals. So strict churches, and religions that, that put this message in your brain are really a massive cause of inadequacy, cause failure to be perfect. And sinless means everlasting punishment. So it’s awful. The followers of any religious system can say, we are good, and the others those not like us, the sinners, they are bad. And this can be exhilarating to the souls of toxically shamed persons, because by taking a stance of righteousness, and by the way, this can also happen with atheism. So it’s not just the presence of religion, it can also be the lack of religion, when you come from a position of righteousness of being right and of being on the right side, this is really soothing to someone who believes that they are fundamentally not good enough, because it gives them it gives them hope, it gives them reason to believe that they are at least right about one thing. It’s gonna happen even in politics, we see this a lot in America is it the Republicans and the Democrats that they have over there, and each side just goes at each other. They just say everything the other side says is wrong. And again, this righteousness is just a sanctuary for for Seamus behavior. So look at any, any kind of us versus them mentality, and just become aware of that. Now let’s talk about socializing. Social Life can be a real problem for someone who carries toxic shame. One of the reasons is we’ve already discussed the disconnection that happens. And when this happens, when we actually don’t know ourselves and aren’t able to present ourselves to the world, then we can never actually truly connect with people. And because of this, well, two things happen. Actually, firstly, we obviously don’t get our needs met, we don’t get the love and the validation that we actually need, because we’re not actually putting ourselves out there. The second thing that happens is that people actually like us less, because we just simply inauthentic. And it’s just not, it’s just not very nice to be with someone that’s inauthentic. So socializing can be a real problem. So what’s the solution to this the solution is simply socialize more become comfortable in social situations if you’re not already, and socialized with the aim of paying attention to your full self, your mask. If you’re still unsure about what this really means for you, or what your full self actually consists of. Here it is, if you hide your flaws, if you lie, if you try to be perfect, that’s what the full self is. our true selves have flaws, and that’s what we’re, we’re afraid of exposing. So let people into The not so great parts of your life. Social media can be another hiding place for sources of inadequacy. The only thing people tend to post on social media is the highlights of their life. The pictures where they look good, the positive developments in their life, they hide the bad pictures, they don’t post them. They hide the times when they’re alone and crying. Unless they just want our attention. We’re left comparing that image of perfection that they present. Left comparing that to our unfiltered selves, it’s inevitable to get a sense of inadequacy from that. It’s like we’re comparing their highlights reel to our behind the scenes reel. So watch out for that. Another possible source of inadequacy is in dating and relationships. Now, I’ll move on to a whole new slide about this next, but as far as culture is concerned, there is one major thing when, when it’s present, this is probably the biggest cultural cause of inadequacy. When this is actually present, this is a huge thing, because this relates specifically to sexual inadequacy, which is more closely linked to the fetish. There are some cultures where casual sex is widely accepted. And that’s great. Of course, the freedom to do this is a great thing. The negative side effects is that for people who don’t share these values, and who don’t have much sex, or maybe they’re virgins, this creates massive, massive insecurity. So, this is called this is casual sex as a cultural expectation. Because some guys just don’t have much sex. And they’re only with a select few special women in their life. In loving relationships. This is a huge cause of inadequacy. It’s the cultural pressure that results from this. And if you’re not one of these guys, you can just ignore this. If you’re fine with this, that’s great. Keep being you. This is definitely a polarizing topic, where some guys will just have no issue with this. But for the guys that aren’t fine with this, it hurts. It’s a common message in some societies now that men and more specifically, women can have all the casual sex they want. If they’re single, of course, the freedom to do this, it’s great. But that leads to some guys feeling two things, firstly, that you need to engage in this too, or else you’re not good enough. If you’ve not slept with many girls, then you’re not good enough. The pressure to have casual sex or to have many sexual partners is again, something that can make your self worth be defined by some arbitrary external factor, which in this case is created by culture. There’s such a lot of pressure on men in our society, to have sex, it’s almost as if the amount of girls that they’ve slept with defines their self worth. And this is just a ridiculous kind of peer pressure. And for the guys that this applies to this is massive. The second reason is probably bigger, which is the expectation that all girls are like this, that your future girlfriend will be like this or that your current girlfriend is like this, and you should be okay with it. It’s true that you should be okay with it. If that woman has nothing to do with you. It’s very important to note that it’s obviously none of your business what other people choose to do. But if she’s your partner, then it’s not true. You’re allowed to be picky about who you’re with. This is really where the inadequacy lies. Either the cultural expectation that every girl has casual sex, and you won’t be able to find one that doesn’t, or the cultural expectation that it’s wrong to reject a girl for having casual sex, or it’s your internal sense of inadequacy, making you think that you have to settle for that, that you have to settle for a girl that isn’t quite what you want, and live with the negative feelings that this creates in you. Or of course, it’s the the cultural expectation that you need to have a lot of sex even if you don’t want to. And that’s what defines your self worth. You don’t need to listen to messages in society that tells you to think something different from what you think. Again, societal messages which tell you to be anything other than yourself can be ignored. If it makes you insecure, then it makes you unhappy. That’s a completely valid reason to not be with someone or to not do something. So if you’ve not slept with many girls or any girls, and you feel insecure because of these messages telling you that you’re not good enough just to do our stop that women are just like men. And if there are men that are like this, you, then there are women like this, and you can find your equal and opposite match. Men tend to be more obsessed with getting sex than women, because it’s more of a cultural pressure for men. So I would go as far as to say that there are more sexually innocent girls than there are guys, you can find your equal and opposite match. This perception of most girls being essentially slots comes from a number of things. Firstly, media, you will see casual sex more in the media, because it spikes your emotions, it makes you click that link, or buy that article or watch that show wherever people crave emotions, and anything that spikes emotions is more successful. So it’s way more prevalent in media in a way, which is not actually representative of the population. Secondly, girls that do have casual sex are typically more outgoing, more outspoken, and you’re more likely to hear from them, as opposed to the more quiet than innocent girls. And thirdly, this is the big one, and also the weird one. It’s porn. Porn itself actually creates this really weird sense of kind of, kind of a sexual obsession, we start seeing girls, not as individuals, but as things that other guys have had sex with. We lose their sense of independence and humanity. And start seeing them as kind of, kind of as objects of sexual desire is basically just a form of objectification, which is a well known result of porn. their sex lives have basically given way more focus and attention and by by depriving them of their humanity, we see them as slots. So stop watching porn. And that will really help with this issue. Also, again, you can ignore this if this is not an issue for you, but go on holiday to South Korea, where no girl will sleep with you until you’ve been there boyfriend for 100 days first. Because that’s one of the weird unwritten rules they have their seriously if there’s one thing to take from this is that traveling can be great for cultural inadequacy, because you experience different cultures. We’ll go to Japan, where was it something like 50% of 18 year old girls in a survey said they never wanted to have sex ever. Something like that. Honestly, it’s it’s crazy, but it’s purely cultural. So again, traveling can be really great for this, you may well find one, a country or a culture where you feel more at home just as you are. Another thing you can do is just socialize more again, and meet other people that share your values, not by socializing in places where you feel out of place. By the way, if you don’t like nightclubs, then don’t go to nightclubs. It’s pretty simple. But for some reason, so many guys feel like they have to do this. If you’re single and looking for someone, and you don’t like nightclubs, the only girls that you meet in a nightclub or the sort that like going to nightclubs. That’s not who you are. So don’t do it. It’s crazy that I even have to say this. If you’re not into casual sex, then don’t go to places where people look for casual sex, you’re not going to find a girlfriend that you’re completely happy with that. It’s like if you’re a logical, rational scientific person, don’t spend your days going to ghost hunts and alternative medicine meetups, because that’s not well, where you’ll fit in. It sounds stupid. It is. But for some reason, there are guys that have been convinced that this is what they need to do, that they need to do the things that other people do. And like the things that other people like, especially young guys really struggle with this. That brings us on to my last point, which is that the feeling of being different to everyone else, is the feeling of inadequacy. When we feel different from everyone else around us, we feel like we will be rejected for being ourselves. We literally feel like we are not good enough just as we are. AKA we feel inadequate. There are evolutionary reasons for this. I think it’s quite interesting. We’re programmed to live in tribes. We like people that are part of our tribe. And we perceive other people from different tribes as a potential threat. The thing that defines a tribe is their culture, their traditions, their customs, the way they act, the way they speak. And if you feel different, you feel like you’re not Heart of the same tribe, you feel like you would be outcast, or rejected just for being ourselves. So we try not to be rejected. We try to hide our true selves as if we are not good enough, when really we’re just different. If we don’t have a community of like minded people, we feel inadequate because we feel different. Remember the slide on needs, it’s a fundamental human need to have a sense of belonging, a sense of community, if you don’t have that, you’re not going to be needs, you’re not gonna be getting your needs met either. So the solution is, again, actually to socialize more, and realize that you’re not going to be outcast, for being as weird and as unique as all of us are, and socialize with people who have the same interests and values as yourself. And it’s great to stay open minded and experience different people with different values. And that’s great to stave off this position of righteousness that we just spoke about. Because when you get too far into hanging around with the same people all the time, you really do get a bit of righteousness creeping in. So be careful of that. So to take from this slide, be aware of messages in the media that make us feel inadequate. Beware of subcultures, religion, and righteousness as a whole. Anything that makes our self worth be defined by some weird factor that isn’t actually right. socialized more again, paying attention to our true selves, letting people see our flaws. Travel if need be, and once more socialized moreIn this video I talk about LOTS of very specific things that can create inadequacy.
Media causes inadequacy because it makes you click on these things!
Subcultures cause inadequacy by emphasising certain things that start to define your self-worth.
Religion, politics, and righteousness in general causes inadequacy and acts as a way to be protected from feeling bad.
Socialising is hard because of disconnection. Social media can be an endless stream of highlights.
Different values β and different sexual values β cause inadequacy by being different. If youβre the minority, you feel out of place, you feel like youβre not good enough.
These are all little things that contribute in a big way. I donβt necessarily want you to learn the specifics, but more the general principle of this. There will be many things that I havenβt mentioned which make you feel inadequate. Over time, that gets internalized; pushed down into your subconscious to become a state of being.
Source
Author(s) || Connor McGonigal
Website || howtostopbeingacuckold.com
Article || 3.4 Culture
Date || Between January 27th and November 14th, 2018
tags: [“evergreen”]
contributors: ["Connor McGonigal"]