Salvations

Posted in Psychology on October 3, 2024 by foreverliketh.is ‐ 7 min read

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This page was last modified: October 3rd, 2024

This post is part of…

IndieWeb Carnival:^֎ A project helping motivate people to write more on their personal websites. This month’s host is starbreaker^֎, and the topic was ‘Power Underneath Despair: In your darkest hour, what saved you? What helped you find the strength to carry on?’.^֎
Agora Road Travelogue - Oct:^֎ A project attempting to encourage individuals to both write and exercise ownership over their content.

Forged A Different Man^֎

When I was a kid, my mother would sometimes guilt me into eating her food by reminding me of “the starving children in Africa”. While a great way to invalidate another’s feeling(s), apparently this is also known as the fallacy of relative privation.^֎ It can be summarized as: “if something isn’t the worst thing happening, it doesn’t matter.”

In the short story ‘I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream’,^֎ the main characters are subjected to torture so absurd, it gives Dante’s Inferno^֎ a run for its money. More than Lovecraft’s indescribable horrors,^֎ AM, the story’s antagonist, is what comes to my mind whenever I think of “the worst thing”.

But the truth is, stranger, that we need not be “Starvin’ Marvins”,^֎ nor an eternally abused soul, for our struggles to matter. And while we must prioritize them at times, to downplay life’s interconnectedness^֎ would be rash; some problems are simply the byproduct of others.

Lord knows there’s no shortage of them either. For even their “solutions” can birth new ones! And each possessing their own uniquely distinct properties… Traveler, I know not the particular colors of the demons you face, nor the means by which to vanquish them. All you’ll find here, is a bit about mine…

I. Scarlet Eyes^֎

In Spanish, we have the saying ‘Para rebajar: La venganza’. In English it’d be ‘To lose weight: Vengeance’. It jokes with the potentially transformative power of Hate. HATE. H-A-T-E!^֎; no “diet” compares. This 1st “salvation” arose from exactly that: an incredibly intense, unilateral desire to prove someone wrong. A symbolic ‘🖕Fuck You🖕’, if you will.

That “fury”… it lit within me a determination I don’t imagine one develops easily otherwise. But that expediency, that focus, it comes at a price. With it, yes, you are more likely to reach your goal, but beware its blindness. For it is not just the things that we do, but also how we do them. Still, when you’re at “rock-bottom”… Climbing the mountain, no matter how clumsily, how inconsiderately, it can do one good.

Sometimes, I’ll even wish I could tap into that energy at will. And not just for myself either… Every now and again, I’ll gaze into a student’s dull eyes and wonder: “Would their spite truly be as bad in comparison?”. I fantasize telling them that even IF they cared, they COULDN’T. That they will NEVER measure up! NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! It’s a win-win, don’t you think, visitor? Either I’m right, or they’ll “send me a postcard”.^֎

II. 道 Harmony ☯^֎

Now the worst thing that came of making anger my foundation, happened at the end, when my passion subsided; and I was finally alone with that which I so desperately wanted. There I was “at the peak of the mountain”, and…

~ This is it? This is what I had turned into obsession? This was supposed to “complete me”? Why don’t I feel different? No. Worse… I FEEL HOLLOW, EMPTY! NOW NOT EVEN MY WRATH SUSTAINS ME. Where is the peace? This was supposed to make me content… If I don’t feel fulfilled… WHAT DID I DO ALL OF THAT FOR? For… nothing? Was there not… a point? If this couldn’t make me happy, COULD NOTHING? Why… should I do anything, then? To feel this? Until I… die? Why bother waiting? ~

As melodramatic / cliche / ironic as that sounds, it’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to suicide. Part of the reason I started this website was to share assorted texts that reeled me back from that edge (pun intended):

I really shouldn’t, but for the sake of the post, I’ll, pathetically, attempt to distill the relevant advice: “The destination ain’t the only thing that matters, yo.”

III. c̷͕̊Â̶͎l̵͈̀l̶͈͆ ̵̡̚m̸̮͋E̶͓̔ ̵̺̓m̷̪͝â̶͓Ý̷̳B̸̻̌Ȩ̵̒^֎

And what did I do with that lesson, reader? Squander it, of course! Rather than depart for my next adventure, I meandered, directionless. Lying to myself that I was just “Enjoying the journey. T’was my original mistake after all, was it not?” But in truth, I’d become complacent, satiated by both the pride of my triumph, and that the despair I once felt, was now gone.

I became static, idle, lazy; hands ripe for the Devil’s play. I succame to all manner of inclination: primal, hedonistic, conditioned. And instead of addressing these urges, I dismissed them, ignored them, banished them. But “victory” via exile is an illusion; for I had done nothing, CONQUERED NOTHING. Worse! I had repressed them! Hidden them away… Allowed them to fester and mutate in the windowless halls of my mind.

I’d neglected myself: My values, my character, my traumas, my dreams. And now there was so much to rebuild, to work-on; and naught a drop of rage in-sight. This time around, there would be no excuse for, nor distraction from, my stumbles, my imperfections, my failings. No innate well of strength, motivation, or purpose from which to draw from. Only the cursed wisdom that I’d sooner kill myself than ever stagnate again.

♫ With A Little Help From My Friends ♫^֎

Throughout all of this, I have purposely left-out that I, honestly, would never have made it this far by myself. I have not stood on the shoulders of giants, homie, Titans have, literally, nursed me. I have been blessed by messengers that a fool could understand. By divers, willing to submerse themselves in the darkest of caves, JUST to guide lost, unworthy husks into the light. Blessed by parents incomparable. By the greatest source of collective knowledge in human history AT. MY. FINGERTIPS!

And I STILL suck at this shid.

BUT… if I only had one message to try to convey to another (voluntarily) staring at the abyss. I guess it’d be:

Are you… Moving? Doing? Developing? Seeking? Learning? Tending? Striving? GROWING? L-I-V-I-N-G? Your beating heart alone, does not qualify… Success / Failure, either one will do… Balance is unachievable; there is only balance-ING.

Or are you… like me?^֎

Contributors: Salvation^֎ | Oasis (band)^֎ –> Noel Gallagher^֎ –> Live Forever [#1^֎ & #2^֎] –> Justin Roiland^֎ & Dan Harmon^֎ –> Rick and Morty^֎ –> Heather Anne Campbell^֎ –> That’s Amorte^֎ | George R. R. Martin^֎ –> A Song of Ice and Fire^֎ –> Game of Thrones^֎ –> Fire & Blood^֎ –> House of the Dragon^֎ –> Paddy Considine^֎ –> Viserys I Targaryen^֎ | List of fallacies^֎ | Harlan Ellison^֎ –> I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream (video game)^֎ –> René Descartes^֎ –> Cogito, ergo sum^֎ | Dante Alighieri^֎ –> The Divine Comedy^֎ –> Inferno^֎ | H. P. Lovecraft^֎ | Trey Parker^֎ & Matt Stone^֎ –> South Park^֎ –> Starvin’ Marvin^֎ | Yoshihiro Togashi^֎ –> Hunter × Hunter^֎ –> Kurapika^֎ | Tommy Torres^֎ –> 12 Historias^֎ –> Corazón Roto^֎ | Bridgit Mendler^֎ –> Hello My Name Is…^֎ | Laozi^֎ | Devon Hendryx / JPEGMafia^֎ –> The Ghost~Pop Tape^֎ | The Beatles^֎ –> Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band^֎ –> Ringo Starr^֎ –> With a Little Help from My Friends^֎ | Friedrich Nietzsche^֎ | David Jaffe^֎ –> God of War^֎ –> Terrence C. Carson^֎ –> Kratos^֎ | Hank Williams^֎ –> I Saw the Light [#1^֎ & #2^֎]