Positive Internalization

This is my entry for January’s IndieWeb Carnival, hosted by foreverliketh.is on the topic of positive internalisation, hence the title of this post.

When I first read the topic for this month I thought it was going to be an easy write:

Your entry for this month’s carnival will have you intentionally seek out positive memories. Memories that remind you of the good parts of yourself; the facets of your being that you want to see more of, that you wish to nurture and grow.

I was wrong. Extracting memories that remind me about the good parts of myself is hard. Painfully hard. And that’s because each good memory is covered by a veil of self-criticism and self-doubt. And the older I grow the more that vision of myself solidifies: I’m convinced I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, but also don’t have enough willpower to change any of that. Was I always like this? I honestly can’t tell you.

The only genuinely happy memories I have are not tied to me but to others. Doing something—no matter how big or small—for someone else is one of the few things in life that can consistently make me happy. This is especially great when that someone else is a stranger. We live in such a sad world that people are genuinely surprised when you go out of your way to help them just because you want to be kind.

Actually, now that I think about it, there is something I used to do that I want back. Years ago, when I was still in high school, I used to walk around the city, listening to music, and having a great time smiling at people. It was such a great way to live my life. Rather than looking down and marching towards my destination I was taking my time, walking slowly, smiling at random people on the sidewalk.

I kinda loved that version of me and I’m sure it’s still there somewhere. I only need to figure out how to bring it out again.

Eden, I’m not sure this nonsense I just wrote fits with the topic you set up for January’s carnival but since I know you read my blog you know I’m all over the place with my thinking and so this is what you gonna get.

As for everyone else, the carnival needs hosts for the months of July, August, September, October, and November. If you have a blog and—like me—love the IndieWeb you should consider becoming a host for one of those months. You can do it by calming your spot on the wiki page of the carnival