WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.510 --> 00:00:05.010 Congratulations, we have made it. Let's go through a summary 2 00:00:05.010 --> 00:00:09.630 of everything we've learned. So we started by speaking about how 3 00:00:10.020 --> 00:00:14.670 this fetish is the erotic association of inadequacy. Porn 4 00:00:14.670 --> 00:00:20.280 is the ultimate cause of this for most people. Not all though. 5 00:00:20.340 --> 00:00:23.220 And if that will, if that's not you, that's fine, completely 6 00:00:23.220 --> 00:00:26.400 fine. But for most people, it is porn that pushes you in this 7 00:00:26.400 --> 00:00:31.710 direction. inadequacy builds up through internalizing shame. 8 00:00:32.040 --> 00:00:36.570 This is the main way in which inadequacy is, is strengthened 9 00:00:36.870 --> 00:00:42.330 over time, the original cause is in childhood. And of course, in 10 00:00:42.330 --> 00:00:45.840 many other areas like the way that we grow up our development. 11 00:00:48.060 --> 00:00:51.450 Culture, and expectations, and relationships all play a big 12 00:00:51.450 --> 00:00:55.860 role in this. This leads to disconnection with ourselves as 13 00:00:55.860 --> 00:01:00.090 a coping message mech mechanism, we disconnects with who we are. 14 00:01:00.570 --> 00:01:03.120 And that, of course, makes it very, very hard to heal 15 00:01:03.120 --> 00:01:07.290 ourselves because we don't even have ourselves. And of course, 16 00:01:07.290 --> 00:01:11.310 control and release being one way in which we try to deal with 17 00:01:11.310 --> 00:01:16.470 this porn being the release. In fact, the Fetish really being 18 00:01:16.470 --> 00:01:21.900 just a release. So to stop this from getting worse, that's the 19 00:01:21.900 --> 00:01:24.300 first step to stop it from getting worse, because we can't 20 00:01:24.300 --> 00:01:28.950 actually heal this until we stop it from getting worse. So become 21 00:01:28.980 --> 00:01:33.630 aware of things that trigger inadequacy. This means things 22 00:01:33.630 --> 00:01:38.550 like culture and expectations and relationships, they'll there 23 00:01:38.550 --> 00:01:41.520 will be people in your life that are quite critical, or just 24 00:01:41.520 --> 00:01:46.680 shaming people, you have to really be quite act proactive in 25 00:01:46.680 --> 00:01:50.700 stopping all of these things from affecting you. Especially 26 00:01:50.700 --> 00:01:53.970 culture, it tends to be a very big one and, and kind of, for 27 00:01:53.970 --> 00:01:58.260 some people, it seems almost unavoidable. But it is because 28 00:01:58.260 --> 00:02:02.820 it's purely just a mental game. You just can't let that affect 29 00:02:02.820 --> 00:02:06.810 you can't let that have any effect on your self worth. 30 00:02:06.840 --> 00:02:10.590 That's the key. Don't, don't attach your self worth to these 31 00:02:10.590 --> 00:02:14.400 external things. Prevent internalization, of course, 32 00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:18.360 internalization being the way in which shame is passed from the 33 00:02:18.360 --> 00:02:21.780 conscious to the subconscious. And of course, stop the control 34 00:02:21.780 --> 00:02:24.600 and release because the control and re release just continually 35 00:02:24.780 --> 00:02:29.100 make everything worse. The control and release by the way, 36 00:02:29.130 --> 00:02:35.610 is caused by the subconscious toxic shame. Obviously, that is 37 00:02:35.610 --> 00:02:39.000 what drives the controlled release. So to really stop the 38 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:44.910 control and release, we do have to heal the subconscious at the 39 00:02:44.910 --> 00:02:47.940 same time, but the control and release tends to be quite 40 00:02:47.940 --> 00:02:52.860 addictive. Things like alcohol or just very hard to stop porn, 41 00:02:52.860 --> 00:02:58.290 obviously, we said it's very hard to stop. So, this is 42 00:02:58.290 --> 00:03:01.740 something that we should be doing at the same time as the 43 00:03:01.740 --> 00:03:04.890 real healing which is on this last line here, we need 44 00:03:04.890 --> 00:03:09.180 reconnection with ourselves. And then finally externalization 45 00:03:09.300 --> 00:03:14.100 externalization is the real healing of this subconscious 46 00:03:14.340 --> 00:03:17.280 inadequacy, because externalization is the way in 47 00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:21.900 which it is coming out of the subconscious and back into the 48 00:03:22.020 --> 00:03:27.570 soul into the conscious sorry. So, let me take you through all 49 00:03:27.570 --> 00:03:31.530 the slides very, very quickly. In stage one, we started 50 00:03:31.530 --> 00:03:36.750 speaking about Pavlov and his conditioning. And how this 51 00:03:36.780 --> 00:03:40.890 affects fetishes. There was a little slide on doorknobs. And 52 00:03:40.890 --> 00:03:44.790 finally, in the conditioning side of things, we spoke about 53 00:03:44.790 --> 00:03:47.490 how the more you associate the Fetish with arousal, the 54 00:03:47.490 --> 00:03:50.910 stronger that association becomes, and porn conditions 55 00:03:50.910 --> 00:03:56.190 your brain into needing porn and you become desensitized. And to 56 00:03:56.280 --> 00:04:00.450 peel this just stopped watching porn. Then we spoke about the 57 00:04:00.450 --> 00:04:04.320 subconscious of course, being the main root of this fetishes 58 00:04:04.320 --> 00:04:07.740 or the way that the subconscious deals with pain. We turn painful 59 00:04:07.740 --> 00:04:10.590 subconscious feelings into pleasurable ones in order to 60 00:04:10.590 --> 00:04:14.640 counteract their powers over us. sexual fetishes are the brain's 61 00:04:14.670 --> 00:04:17.880 attempt to work out trauma woundedness or some other 62 00:04:17.880 --> 00:04:23.010 associations from the past. This fetish specifically is about 63 00:04:23.100 --> 00:04:26.880 inadequacy, the subconscious pain of not being good enough. 64 00:04:28.350 --> 00:04:32.970 And we said how this is not some fixed part of you, but as you 65 00:04:32.970 --> 00:04:36.810 can see from the previous slides, it is a result of 66 00:04:36.840 --> 00:04:42.090 external circumstances and factors. So I don't think I 67 00:04:42.090 --> 00:04:44.640 actually went through this slide because it's, it's very 68 00:04:44.640 --> 00:04:47.880 uncomfortable to go about but this was just the details of the 69 00:04:47.880 --> 00:04:56.370 Fetish and how it all just reinforces the inadequacy. Let's 70 00:04:56.400 --> 00:05:00.540 skip, skip over that. The simplest way to heal in adequacy 71 00:05:00.540 --> 00:05:04.650 is to stop being inadequate. But of course that only heals the 72 00:05:04.650 --> 00:05:08.850 conscious side of inadequacy. Conscious inadequacy is anything 73 00:05:08.850 --> 00:05:12.360 that brings you shame. That's how you can tell conscious 74 00:05:12.360 --> 00:05:20.340 inadequacy. Of course, we will always feel inadequate if we, if 75 00:05:20.340 --> 00:05:25.740 we keep our expectations high, because it never ends. As you 76 00:05:25.740 --> 00:05:29.040 can see, improvement is better than coping mechanisms for sure. 77 00:05:29.340 --> 00:05:32.130 But it never ends, you can never improve yourself to a point 78 00:05:32.130 --> 00:05:35.040 where you are good enough to heal the subconscious 79 00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:38.940 inadequacy, we can't just stop being inadequate, because that 80 00:05:38.940 --> 00:05:42.060 only heals the conscious side. Now, if you do have areas of 81 00:05:42.060 --> 00:05:45.690 conscious inadequacy, it is very important to heal them as well. 82 00:05:47.580 --> 00:05:53.970 So with this action plan, we said, to heal the cause, try to 83 00:05:53.970 --> 00:05:58.140 stop watching porn. And to heal the core, talk to someone you'd 84 00:05:58.140 --> 00:06:02.760 like to talk to more. The reason for this is that when we have 85 00:06:02.760 --> 00:06:06.510 this sense that we're not good enough, obviously, this is 86 00:06:06.570 --> 00:06:11.280 primarily a social problem. As I said in externalization, it's 87 00:06:11.280 --> 00:06:15.210 very important to be really open and honest with people. But when 88 00:06:15.210 --> 00:06:18.540 we have this sense of being not good enough, and we become 89 00:06:18.540 --> 00:06:22.410 disconnected from other people, it's very important to be more 90 00:06:22.410 --> 00:06:30.030 social. But also, it's very easy to, to let people in our lives 91 00:06:30.180 --> 00:06:33.840 drift apart from us. And if we feel like we're not good enough, 92 00:06:33.870 --> 00:06:38.070 we, we don't make much effort to hold on to them, when really 93 00:06:38.070 --> 00:06:42.030 that's what we truly want. And I just wanted you to watch out for 94 00:06:42.030 --> 00:06:48.030 that. So the final step here, just a little meditation, to 95 00:06:48.030 --> 00:06:52.920 focus on yourself just to bring your attention to your your body 96 00:06:53.370 --> 00:06:56.010 and to your feelings and through just to try and connect with 97 00:06:56.010 --> 00:07:01.920 yourself. Then we went into stage two. Of course, this is 98 00:07:01.920 --> 00:07:07.680 self reinforcing. It's just one big spiral. The difference 99 00:07:07.680 --> 00:07:11.160 between conscious and subconscious shame is a very 100 00:07:11.160 --> 00:07:15.030 important point because conscious shame is very healthy. 101 00:07:15.870 --> 00:07:19.470 As I said conscious shame is the psychological foundation for 102 00:07:19.470 --> 00:07:24.660 humility. Subconscious shame is toxic. It's the difference 103 00:07:24.660 --> 00:07:29.010 between saying I made a mistake and I am a mistake. And we want 104 00:07:29.010 --> 00:07:33.000 that healthy shame. We want to be able to say I made a mistake, 105 00:07:33.210 --> 00:07:40.020 we want to be able to say I am imperfect internalization, of 106 00:07:40.020 --> 00:07:45.390 course, is the way in which the conscious shame gets passed into 107 00:07:45.390 --> 00:07:49.890 the subconscious and it becomes a state of being internalization 108 00:07:49.890 --> 00:07:53.100 happens when repeated shame experiences are not given the 109 00:07:53.100 --> 00:07:56.160 attention they demand, we just stuffed them down, we ignore 110 00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:58.830 them, we don't actually deal with healthy shame. We don't 111 00:07:58.860 --> 00:08:02.520 admit to ourselves that we have healthy shame we, we try and 112 00:08:02.550 --> 00:08:08.190 avoid saying I made a mistake. And then it becomes a sense of I 113 00:08:08.190 --> 00:08:10.920 am a mistake, because we just don't deal with it. We don't 114 00:08:10.920 --> 00:08:15.840 acknowledge it. So make sure you give experiences in your life 115 00:08:15.840 --> 00:08:18.960 that bring your shame, make sure you give them the attention they 116 00:08:18.960 --> 00:08:24.570 demand. Reliving and dwelling on these experiences, though, that 117 00:08:24.570 --> 00:08:27.240 just increases the internalization that increases 118 00:08:27.240 --> 00:08:31.440 the sense that it's a problem with us and with who we are, as 119 00:08:31.440 --> 00:08:34.530 opposed to a problem that all humans face because all humans 120 00:08:34.530 --> 00:08:37.110 are imperfect. And that, of course, is the foundation of 121 00:08:37.110 --> 00:08:40.500 self compassion is recognizing that all humans are imperfect, 122 00:08:40.770 --> 00:08:43.650 everyone makes us makes mistakes. And we should actually 123 00:08:43.650 --> 00:08:47.700 be very kind to ourselves. This book healing, the shame that 124 00:08:47.700 --> 00:08:53.790 binds you is a fantastic book. Control release. I think we've 125 00:08:53.790 --> 00:08:57.960 said enough about this. Obviously, porn sits there on 126 00:08:57.960 --> 00:09:01.650 the release side of things. And control triggers, release, 127 00:09:01.650 --> 00:09:06.690 release, triggers control and it's all driven by shame. One 128 00:09:06.690 --> 00:09:09.570 way that we try and protect ourselves from this is just by 129 00:09:09.570 --> 00:09:13.440 disconnecting ourselves, and creating almost a full self, 130 00:09:13.770 --> 00:09:18.390 creating some sort of sense of trying to be perfect, trying to 131 00:09:18.390 --> 00:09:22.020 be what we think is good, trying to be what we think other 132 00:09:22.020 --> 00:09:27.240 people's want people's other people want us to be. So to heal 133 00:09:27.240 --> 00:09:29.910 this, we need to connect with ourselves actually give 134 00:09:29.940 --> 00:09:34.530 ourselves the time and attention that we need. We need to listen 135 00:09:34.800 --> 00:09:39.510 to ourselves, listen to what we need, and then give ourselves 136 00:09:39.510 --> 00:09:44.400 the time and attention to fulfill those needs. Not 137 00:09:44.640 --> 00:09:48.690 mindless indulgence. Of course you can't just say oh, I need 138 00:09:48.690 --> 00:09:55.260 chocolate now. No. It's taking care of yourself and possibly 139 00:09:55.260 --> 00:09:57.870 delaying gratification so that something else more conducive to 140 00:09:57.870 --> 00:09:59.430 your growth might take place. 141 00:10:00.630 --> 00:10:04.650 needs are way longer than this list. These were just the 142 00:10:04.770 --> 00:10:08.040 dependency needs, the needs that depend on others to fulfill 143 00:10:08.040 --> 00:10:10.980 them. And of course, after this, we spoke about nonviolent 144 00:10:10.980 --> 00:10:14.580 communication. Hopefully you went through that long video, 145 00:10:14.580 --> 00:10:17.850 and it was three hours. But that's such an important thing 146 00:10:17.850 --> 00:10:21.510 in actually just connecting to our needs and helping other 147 00:10:21.510 --> 00:10:26.580 people to be able to meet our needs. So stage three, 148 00:10:27.630 --> 00:10:31.920 foundation of this is formed in childhood. Because of all of 149 00:10:31.920 --> 00:10:38.310 these factors here. This is called abandonment. We develop 150 00:10:38.310 --> 00:10:41.400 these survival mechanisms, we basically develop the sense that 151 00:10:41.400 --> 00:10:45.060 we are bad. And also not just because of abandonment, but just 152 00:10:45.060 --> 00:10:48.270 because of the way that we're taught how to behave, we get the 153 00:10:48.270 --> 00:10:51.390 sense that we are not good enough, just as we are. When 154 00:10:51.390 --> 00:10:54.990 that's formed in the first five years of our life, it becomes a 155 00:10:55.290 --> 00:10:58.740 paradigm in which we live the rest of our lives. Because 156 00:10:58.740 --> 00:11:00.780 that's the most impressionable time in our lives. That's when 157 00:11:00.780 --> 00:11:05.670 we form our paradigms of how we should act in this world. Then, 158 00:11:05.670 --> 00:11:08.070 of course, the developmental absence of masculine role models 159 00:11:08.070 --> 00:11:14.070 can be a massive factor in our masculinity. And in our sense of 160 00:11:14.070 --> 00:11:19.920 being a man expectations cause inadequacy culture, spoke about 161 00:11:19.920 --> 00:11:24.150 all the causes, their relationships are a troublesome 162 00:11:24.150 --> 00:11:29.670 area. Oh, my lovely slide on, on self understanding, and in 163 00:11:29.670 --> 00:11:34.920 connecting with yourself, and in making preference choices. We 164 00:11:34.920 --> 00:11:39.330 need to make personal preference choices to and look at how those 165 00:11:39.330 --> 00:11:42.870 preferences make you look. Finally, in the last stage of 166 00:11:42.870 --> 00:11:46.770 the course, porn has the ability to change your sexual desires, 167 00:11:47.190 --> 00:11:51.360 we become desensitized to dopamine because of really 168 00:11:51.390 --> 00:11:57.780 because of repeated porn usage. And then the important point on 169 00:11:57.780 --> 00:12:01.350 this slide is that it takes eight weeks for the Delta Force 170 00:12:01.350 --> 00:12:04.860 beta drain away, so that's when it starts getting worse. So 171 00:12:04.890 --> 00:12:08.340 again, you can't expect an overnight fix here, it's not 172 00:12:08.340 --> 00:12:12.660 going to happen fast. But over time, unused pathways break 173 00:12:12.660 --> 00:12:15.930 down. And we eventually start feeling the urge, have to be 174 00:12:15.930 --> 00:12:20.100 patient with this have to be consistent, and something that's 175 00:12:20.100 --> 00:12:22.680 going to help you and that is understanding habits, of course, 176 00:12:22.980 --> 00:12:29.040 and willpower. Try and remember, all these was the five of them, 177 00:12:29.250 --> 00:12:33.240 five factors of willpower, that being it's finite, it does run 178 00:12:33.240 --> 00:12:35.760 out, it's depleted at the end of the day. So that's the most 179 00:12:35.760 --> 00:12:38.610 vulnerable time for you, it's recharged by sleep. So get 180 00:12:38.610 --> 00:12:43.620 enough sleep, meditate and exercise and just try hard to 181 00:12:43.620 --> 00:12:47.910 use up all your willpower and eat healthier, avoid sugar, 182 00:12:48.300 --> 00:12:50.580 that's going to help your willpower a lot. But if you 183 00:12:50.580 --> 00:12:55.770 struggle, surf the urge, focus on the urge and actually go into 184 00:12:55.770 --> 00:13:02.640 it. And recognize what's going on and let go without giving in. 185 00:13:03.900 --> 00:13:07.080 Then this was more summarized, I'm not going to summarize the 186 00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:09.900 summary here, we have to connect with ourselves, of course 187 00:13:09.900 --> 00:13:13.470 feelings. Some people repress feelings, some people have a 188 00:13:13.470 --> 00:13:17.550 difficult relationship with their emotions. So identify that 189 00:13:17.550 --> 00:13:21.570 and see if that applies to you. But really, this is all about 190 00:13:21.570 --> 00:13:24.240 connecting with yourself and being attuned to who you are. 191 00:13:25.350 --> 00:13:29.730 And then accepting this. And to truly accept this, you have to 192 00:13:29.730 --> 00:13:32.730 bring this into the social environment, the best way to 193 00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:35.250 really be attuned to who you are, is to meditate 194 00:13:36.600 --> 00:13:40.740 externalization obviously, we've only just spoken about this. So 195 00:13:40.740 --> 00:13:43.560 I'm not gonna go over this again. But this is the main way 196 00:13:43.890 --> 00:13:50.010 in which you can actually bring everything inside out. So from 197 00:13:50.010 --> 00:13:53.760 all this, you should have hopefully realized that none of 198 00:13:53.760 --> 00:13:59.040 this is actually about changing who you are. This is about 199 00:13:59.040 --> 00:14:03.000 removing all the coverings that are preventing you from seeing 200 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:07.020 this, that preventing your brain from realizing this. This is 201 00:14:07.020 --> 00:14:10.320 just about healing the subconscious this isn't about 202 00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:17.520 changing you. So this can be quite overwhelming overwhelming. 203 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:22.440 So where do we start first? The first thing that you need to do 204 00:14:22.440 --> 00:14:28.350 is stop this from getting worse. I've said this here. So we need 205 00:14:28.350 --> 00:14:32.460 to become aware of the things that trigger inadequacy, things 206 00:14:32.460 --> 00:14:36.450 like culture and expectations and relationships. We need to 207 00:14:36.450 --> 00:14:40.470 prevent internalization. And we also need to work on the control 208 00:14:40.470 --> 00:14:43.950 and release. And we should do that first. And it's very 209 00:14:43.950 --> 00:14:47.730 important to stop this from getting worse but to actually 210 00:14:47.730 --> 00:14:51.570 heal, we need reconnection and externalization. If you're not 211 00:14:51.570 --> 00:14:53.910 sure where to start, I'm going to tell you it actually doesn't 212 00:14:53.910 --> 00:14:57.600 matter. You can start anywhere if you start on externalization 213 00:14:57.600 --> 00:15:01.950 which technically is probably the last Step, you can do that 214 00:15:01.950 --> 00:15:04.830 because this is a continual process. The process of 215 00:15:04.830 --> 00:15:08.280 externalization itself is continual, you should be doing 216 00:15:08.280 --> 00:15:11.670 this. I mean, it's a very healthy thing to just do in life 217 00:15:11.700 --> 00:15:15.570 in the rest of your life to externalize and to, to open 218 00:15:15.570 --> 00:15:21.210 yourself up. So don't worry if this is overwhelming. Start 219 00:15:21.210 --> 00:15:25.050 wherever you can. I recommend starting on the controlling 220 00:15:25.050 --> 00:15:31.020 release. But as I say, just connect with yourself. Realize 221 00:15:31.020 --> 00:15:36.450 that none of this is actually changing who you are. And, and 222 00:15:36.450 --> 00:15:40.260 good luck and I really mean that because this can be just such a 223 00:15:40.260 --> 00:15:43.350 life changing thing to go through. And I really hope that 224 00:15:43.350 --> 00:15:46.410 this helps helps you and helps you in your life and helps you 225 00:15:46.410 --> 00:15:51.060 realize exactly where you've been going wrong. And in the 226 00:15:51.060 --> 00:15:54.600 next, the next slide, I'm going to go one step deeper.