Congratulations, we have made it. Let's go through a summary
of everything we've learned. So we started by speaking about how
this fetish is the erotic association of inadequacy. Porn
is the ultimate cause of this for most people. Not all though.
And if that will, if that's not you, that's fine, completely
fine. But for most people, it is porn that pushes you in this
direction. inadequacy builds up through internalizing shame.
This is the main way in which inadequacy is, is strengthened
over time, the original cause is in childhood. And of course, in
many other areas like the way that we grow up our development.
Culture, and expectations, and relationships all play a big
role in this. This leads to disconnection with ourselves as
a coping message mech mechanism, we disconnects with who we are.
And that, of course, makes it very, very hard to heal
ourselves because we don't even have ourselves. And of course,
control and release being one way in which we try to deal with
this porn being the release. In fact, the Fetish really being
just a release. So to stop this from getting worse, that's the
first step to stop it from getting worse, because we can't
actually heal this until we stop it from getting worse. So become
aware of things that trigger inadequacy. This means things
like culture and expectations and relationships, they'll there
will be people in your life that are quite critical, or just
shaming people, you have to really be quite act proactive in
stopping all of these things from affecting you. Especially
culture, it tends to be a very big one and, and kind of, for
some people, it seems almost unavoidable. But it is because
it's purely just a mental game. You just can't let that affect
you can't let that have any effect on your self worth.
That's the key. Don't, don't attach your self worth to these
external things. Prevent internalization, of course,
internalization being the way in which shame is passed from the
conscious to the subconscious. And of course, stop the control
and release because the control and re release just continually
make everything worse. The control and release by the way,
is caused by the subconscious toxic shame. Obviously, that is
what drives the controlled release. So to really stop the
control and release, we do have to heal the subconscious at the
same time, but the control and release tends to be quite
addictive. Things like alcohol or just very hard to stop porn,
obviously, we said it's very hard to stop. So, this is
something that we should be doing at the same time as the
real healing which is on this last line here, we need
reconnection with ourselves. And then finally externalization
externalization is the real healing of this subconscious
inadequacy, because externalization is the way in
which it is coming out of the subconscious and back into the
soul into the conscious sorry. So, let me take you through all
the slides very, very quickly. In stage one, we started
speaking about Pavlov and his conditioning. And how this
affects fetishes. There was a little slide on doorknobs. And
finally, in the conditioning side of things, we spoke about
how the more you associate the Fetish with arousal, the
stronger that association becomes, and porn conditions
your brain into needing porn and you become desensitized. And to
peel this just stopped watching porn. Then we spoke about the
subconscious of course, being the main root of this fetishes
or the way that the subconscious deals with pain. We turn painful
subconscious feelings into pleasurable ones in order to
counteract their powers over us. sexual fetishes are the brain's
attempt to work out trauma woundedness or some other
associations from the past. This fetish specifically is about
inadequacy, the subconscious pain of not being good enough.
And we said how this is not some fixed part of you, but as you
can see from the previous slides, it is a result of
external circumstances and factors. So I don't think I
actually went through this slide because it's, it's very
uncomfortable to go about but this was just the details of the
Fetish and how it all just reinforces the inadequacy. Let's
skip, skip over that. The simplest way to heal in adequacy
is to stop being inadequate. But of course that only heals the
conscious side of inadequacy. Conscious inadequacy is anything
that brings you shame. That's how you can tell conscious
inadequacy. Of course, we will always feel inadequate if we, if
we keep our expectations high, because it never ends. As you
can see, improvement is better than coping mechanisms for sure.
But it never ends, you can never improve yourself to a point
where you are good enough to heal the subconscious
inadequacy, we can't just stop being inadequate, because that
only heals the conscious side. Now, if you do have areas of
conscious inadequacy, it is very important to heal them as well.
So with this action plan, we said, to heal the cause, try to
stop watching porn. And to heal the core, talk to someone you'd
like to talk to more. The reason for this is that when we have
this sense that we're not good enough, obviously, this is
primarily a social problem. As I said in externalization, it's
very important to be really open and honest with people. But when
we have this sense of being not good enough, and we become
disconnected from other people, it's very important to be more
social. But also, it's very easy to, to let people in our lives
drift apart from us. And if we feel like we're not good enough,
we, we don't make much effort to hold on to them, when really
that's what we truly want. And I just wanted you to watch out for
that. So the final step here, just a little meditation, to
focus on yourself just to bring your attention to your your body
and to your feelings and through just to try and connect with
yourself. Then we went into stage two. Of course, this is
self reinforcing. It's just one big spiral. The difference
between conscious and subconscious shame is a very
important point because conscious shame is very healthy.
As I said conscious shame is the psychological foundation for
humility. Subconscious shame is toxic. It's the difference
between saying I made a mistake and I am a mistake. And we want
that healthy shame. We want to be able to say I made a mistake,
we want to be able to say I am imperfect internalization, of
course, is the way in which the conscious shame gets passed into
the subconscious and it becomes a state of being internalization
happens when repeated shame experiences are not given the
attention they demand, we just stuffed them down, we ignore
them, we don't actually deal with healthy shame. We don't
admit to ourselves that we have healthy shame we, we try and
avoid saying I made a mistake. And then it becomes a sense of I
am a mistake, because we just don't deal with it. We don't
acknowledge it. So make sure you give experiences in your life
that bring your shame, make sure you give them the attention they
demand. Reliving and dwelling on these experiences, though, that
just increases the internalization that increases
the sense that it's a problem with us and with who we are, as
opposed to a problem that all humans face because all humans
are imperfect. And that, of course, is the foundation of
self compassion is recognizing that all humans are imperfect,
everyone makes us makes mistakes. And we should actually
be very kind to ourselves. This book healing, the shame that
binds you is a fantastic book. Control release. I think we've
said enough about this. Obviously, porn sits there on
the release side of things. And control triggers, release,
release, triggers control and it's all driven by shame. One
way that we try and protect ourselves from this is just by
disconnecting ourselves, and creating almost a full self,
creating some sort of sense of trying to be perfect, trying to
be what we think is good, trying to be what we think other
people's want people's other people want us to be. So to heal
this, we need to connect with ourselves actually give
ourselves the time and attention that we need. We need to listen
to ourselves, listen to what we need, and then give ourselves
the time and attention to fulfill those needs. Not
mindless indulgence. Of course you can't just say oh, I need
chocolate now. No. It's taking care of yourself and possibly
delaying gratification so that something else more conducive to
your growth might take place.
needs are way longer than this list. These were just the
dependency needs, the needs that depend on others to fulfill
them. And of course, after this, we spoke about nonviolent
communication. Hopefully you went through that long video,
and it was three hours. But that's such an important thing
in actually just connecting to our needs and helping other
people to be able to meet our needs. So stage three,
foundation of this is formed in childhood. Because of all of
these factors here. This is called abandonment. We develop
these survival mechanisms, we basically develop the sense that
we are bad. And also not just because of abandonment, but just
because of the way that we're taught how to behave, we get the
sense that we are not good enough, just as we are. When
that's formed in the first five years of our life, it becomes a
paradigm in which we live the rest of our lives. Because
that's the most impressionable time in our lives. That's when
we form our paradigms of how we should act in this world. Then,
of course, the developmental absence of masculine role models
can be a massive factor in our masculinity. And in our sense of
being a man expectations cause inadequacy culture, spoke about
all the causes, their relationships are a troublesome
area. Oh, my lovely slide on, on self understanding, and in
connecting with yourself, and in making preference choices. We
need to make personal preference choices to and look at how those
preferences make you look. Finally, in the last stage of
the course, porn has the ability to change your sexual desires,
we become desensitized to dopamine because of really
because of repeated porn usage. And then the important point on
this slide is that it takes eight weeks for the Delta Force
beta drain away, so that's when it starts getting worse. So
again, you can't expect an overnight fix here, it's not
going to happen fast. But over time, unused pathways break
down. And we eventually start feeling the urge, have to be
patient with this have to be consistent, and something that's
going to help you and that is understanding habits, of course,
and willpower. Try and remember, all these was the five of them,
five factors of willpower, that being it's finite, it does run
out, it's depleted at the end of the day. So that's the most
vulnerable time for you, it's recharged by sleep. So get
enough sleep, meditate and exercise and just try hard to
use up all your willpower and eat healthier, avoid sugar,
that's going to help your willpower a lot. But if you
struggle, surf the urge, focus on the urge and actually go into
it. And recognize what's going on and let go without giving in.
Then this was more summarized, I'm not going to summarize the
summary here, we have to connect with ourselves, of course
feelings. Some people repress feelings, some people have a
difficult relationship with their emotions. So identify that
and see if that applies to you. But really, this is all about
connecting with yourself and being attuned to who you are.
And then accepting this. And to truly accept this, you have to
bring this into the social environment, the best way to
really be attuned to who you are, is to meditate
externalization obviously, we've only just spoken about this. So
I'm not gonna go over this again. But this is the main way
in which you can actually bring everything inside out. So from
all this, you should have hopefully realized that none of
this is actually about changing who you are. This is about
removing all the coverings that are preventing you from seeing
this, that preventing your brain from realizing this. This is
just about healing the subconscious this isn't about
changing you. So this can be quite overwhelming overwhelming.
So where do we start first? The first thing that you need to do
is stop this from getting worse. I've said this here. So we need
to become aware of the things that trigger inadequacy, things
like culture and expectations and relationships. We need to
prevent internalization. And we also need to work on the control
and release. And we should do that first. And it's very
important to stop this from getting worse but to actually
heal, we need reconnection and externalization. If you're not
sure where to start, I'm going to tell you it actually doesn't
matter. You can start anywhere if you start on externalization
which technically is probably the last Step, you can do that
because this is a continual process. The process of
externalization itself is continual, you should be doing
this. I mean, it's a very healthy thing to just do in life
in the rest of your life to externalize and to, to open
yourself up. So don't worry if this is overwhelming. Start
wherever you can. I recommend starting on the controlling
release. But as I say, just connect with yourself. Realize
that none of this is actually changing who you are. And, and
good luck and I really mean that because this can be just such a
life changing thing to go through. And I really hope that
this helps helps you and helps you in your life and helps you
realize exactly where you've been going wrong. And in the
next, the next slide, I'm going to go one step deeper.