WEBVTT

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externalization as you can
probably tell by the word

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externalization This is the
opposite of internalization.

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internalization we spoke about
is the process of, of burying,

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shame into the subconscious
until it forms a subconscious

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state of being. It's the process
of making shame, go from being

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healthy human conscious shame
into being toxic, subconscious

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shame. So to reverse this
process and to basically heal

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this subconscious, toxic shame,
to heal this sense of

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inadequacy, we just need to get
all of this subconscious shame,

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all of this inadequacy up and
out of the subconscious and

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actually into the conscious,
because if it's into the

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conscious, then we can deal with
it in a healthy way. So this

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involves talking about it about
shame, I mean, I'm gonna go

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through a long list on this
slide of things that we can do

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specific methods to do. It was
talking and writing can help and

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just just thinking about these
things, sharing your feelings,

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honestly, that can really help.
They say that the tendency to

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avoid emotional suffering, and
this is something that everyone

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has, we all have this tendency
to avoid feeling any pain or

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avoid feeling any conscious
shame. And I mean, that's what's

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caused the toxic shame in the
first place is the tendency to

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avoid it. They say that the
tendency to avoid emotional

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suffering is the primary basis
for all human mental illness.

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And in the case of shame, the
more we avoid it, the worse it

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gets. We cannot change our
internalized shame, until we

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externalize it. And as I say,
that just means getting all

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these feelings up and out and
making them real, making them

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conscious. Alice Miller has
repeatedly said how it's not the

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traumas that we suffer in
childhood. Again, trauma is a

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strong word. But just, you know,
take this take this lightly.

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It's not the traumas that we
suffer in childhood that cause

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pain, but it's the inability to
express them. And that's what

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this is all about. It's all
about expressing. So many things

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I'm going to take you through
now the specific methods, the

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specific things that we're
expressing. And there's going to

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be a lot of text on this slide,
as you can tell with the size of

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that font. So the first thing
you can do is legitimizing our

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abandonment, by writing and
talking about it. abandonment,

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we said was the process where in
childhood, you just don't get

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your needs met. Now, if you can
think of any times in childhood

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where that happened, if you can
think about any times where you

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were ignored, or criticized or
shamed, just by thinking about

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it makes it real, it legitimizes
it, to make this even even more

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real, write it down. That really
helps. And if you have someone

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in your life, that you can talk
about this with someone that's

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not going to shame you for this,
because if you're in any way

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shamed or criticized for doing
this, then that's gonna, that's

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going to be taking about two
steps back. So you don't want

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that at all. But just to talk
about this, and to honestly

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express this and share this. And
if you can't think of anything,

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if you can't remember any times
about like this, then you can

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just write about the process or
talk about the concept of

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abandonment, you can talk about
just how your parents generally

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were towards you, you know, if
they were a bit neglectful, or

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if they were a bit critical, or
if they did put a lot of

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pressure on you. Or if they were
hard on you, or you know,

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anything that we spoke about.
But this is just again,

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legitimizing is the really key
word here, it's making it real,

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because by making it conscious,
by becoming aware of it, and by

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either writing or talking about
it, we take it up out of the

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subconscious, it is no longer a
subconscious part of ourselves,

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it becomes conscious. We can
also externalize old

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subconscious memories from the
past which form collages of

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shame scenes, and learning how
to heal them. We spoke about

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shame scenes, as well in these
collages, these interconnected

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memories that we have of times
that that make us feel shame. I

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think I gave the example of when
I was walking in the streets,

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and a woman said hello to me. So
I said hello back. And she was

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just talking to a friend. And I
felt a lot of shame from that.

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And that's that's just one of
the things that's popped up in

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my head. All throughout my life
really, as weird as that is, but

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we all have these, these
memories that make us feel

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somehow fraud or inadequate or,
or or shamed, really. So just by

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becoming aware of that This is
the first step, if you can

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become aware of these memories
of these collages of shame

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scenes, that's the first step
and then learning how to heal

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them. That's really the process
of self compassion is the

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process of saying, either
Everyone makes mistakes, or

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it's, it's normal, or it's
human. Having this kind of

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shared humanity that everyone
feels shame, no one is perfect.

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That's an important part of self
compassion. And if you do want

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to write about this, or share or
share this, then that's great

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too. externalizing the shaming
voices in our heads, and

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learning to replace them with
new nurturing and positive

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voices. Now, when it says
shaming voices in our heads,

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this isn't about schizophrenia,
or anything this is, this can be

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quite a common thing where we,
as we go about our days, we can

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kind of drift off into imagining
people being critical or shaming

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towards us. And then we can
either spend our days kind of

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justifying ourselves in our
heads, because that can feel

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very good. If you, for example,
let's say you walk past a

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mirror, and your your brain
might go off into thinking about

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someone, you know, criticizing
your haircut. And then you would

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spend a good five minutes
explaining why your hair cat is

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actually fine or whatever. These
things can be quite common, that

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was a stupid example. But you
know, these things can be quite

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common. And if you can just
become aware of this, if you can

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become aware of times where
you're, you're hearing some sort

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of shaming voice or imagining
someone being critical, or even

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neglectful or no, or shaming,
just generally shaming if you

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can become aware of this, and
then make it real, write about

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this, or talk about this or, or
anything, just make it

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conscious. Learning to be aware
of certain interpersonal

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situations, most likely to
trigger shame spirals. So yeah,

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if you are, if you are
criticized, then that's probably

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going to trigger some sort of
shame spiral. If you are

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ignored, that can be another
thing that can trigger a shame

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as well. So just learn to be
aware of this. That can really

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help that can be a big thing,
because there are these things

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in life that just trigger this
shame. Learning how to deal with

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critical and shaming people by
practicing assertive techniques.

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There are people in our lives
that are critical and shaming.

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And, as I said, in the
relationships section, for some

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reason, shame based people tend
to stick with other shame based

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people. And so our significant
others can actually be the most

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critical or shaming people in
our lives. Practicing assertive

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techniques is very important in
kind of reclaiming the sense

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that we are good enough by kind
of just standing up for

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ourselves, not letting ourselves
be criticized, or shamed. And,

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as I say, in life, obviously, we
go through these times where we

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are criticized or shamed. And
it's important in those times to

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not react to emotionally, again,
if this hits a deep note inside

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us, if we do have this toxic
shame, we believe that that we

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really are fundamentally flawed,
that this can be very, very

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hurtful, it can really have a
massive effect on us. So by

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practicing assertive techniques,
we're basically kind of just

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saying no standing up for
ourselves, and realizing that,

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you know, we're not
fundamentally inadequate and

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being really assertive with what
we need. And learning to

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externalize our needs and our
wants by becoming more self

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assertive. And we spoke about
nonviolent communication and how

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this is can be, this can be the
main method of, of becoming more

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self assertive, in a way. our
needs and our wants are

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something that we're so
disconnected from. And I've

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spoken spoken about this such a
lot in this course, but to

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become aware of our needs, and
our wants, and again,

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externalizing is just, it's just
making it conscious, and making

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it out there in the world and
talking about it. And then

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standing up for ourselves with
this too, and saying that it's

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okay to have needs and it's okay
to have once seeing ourselves

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mirrored and echoed in the eyes
of at least one non shaming

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person. One of the things that
happens in childhood is that one

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of our needs as young children
is to see ourselves mirrored and

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echoed in the eyes of others.
And this is our parents in

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childhood or a primary
caregivers, whoever they are

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That is one of the fundamental
needs because this is actually

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the way that identity is formed,
we only kind of know who we are

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through the eyes of others. Some
people that don't get this need

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met, they kind of struggle with
a sense of identity and a sense

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of who they are. So to heal
this, we need to see ourselves

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in the eyes of others, we need
to have ourselves mirrored and

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echoed by someone that isn't
going to be shaming or

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neglectful or anything. This is
really just the process of

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having friends, really, this is
just the normal part of what

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will happen when we get out
there in the world and have

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normal friends and, and live a
life around other people.

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Learning how to handle our
mistakes and having the courage

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to be imperfect. Again, the
difference between healthy

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conscious shame and toxic
subconscious shame is is almost

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in how we deal with mistakes
because healthy conscious shame

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is, is saying, I made a mistake,
and that's okay. And toxic shame

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is saying I am a mistake. So
that's how we handle our

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mistakes, we need to say that
it's okay to make mistakes, and

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it's okay to be imperfect. And
that will be hard. So we need

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courage doing exercises to
externalize our self image and

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change it I think we've spoken
enough about self image learning

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to recognize various split off
parts of ourselves as we've made

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as we make these parts conscious
externalize them, we can embrace

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and integrate them. So the split
off parts of ourselves or parts

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of ourselves that have been
shamed in our lives. This can be

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for a lot of people this is
sexuality, because sexuality is

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so commonly shamed. And when
these things are shamed, we we

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disconnect with them, we they
become split off parts of

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ourselves. So we need to
reconnect with them and

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recognize them and make these
parts conscious. And then we

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will naturally just embrace and
integrate them making new

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decisions to accept all parts of
ourselves with unconditional

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positive regard. And this what
we spoke about in the last

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slide, really, this is self
love, and coming out of hiding

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by social contact, honestly
sharing our feelings. social

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contact is the number one way to
heal inadequacy. I mean, this

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really is a social problem. So
it's very important, important

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to honestly share our feelings
with normal non shaming people

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and stay true to ourselves when
in social situations situations.

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So this is a process of kind of
self discovery and self

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acceptance. And you need to
focus on staying open and honest

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when social and you need to
listen to your feelings as well.

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And that's basically the process
of externalization