The previous section on childhood is guaranteed. We all
go through that to some extent, when it happens a lot, then it
becomes a significant level of subconscious inadequacy, even
the most perfect people in the world that you might know, they
will still have gone through this to some level. There are a
number of additional reasons though, for subconscious
inadequacy. Now with cuckolding, the inadequacy tends to be more
specifically centered around women, or sex or relationships,
less of a subconscious sense about ourselves completely as a
person more about ourselves around women, or around sex or
around relationships or anything of that area. Of course, that is
in addition to what we spoke about about being formed in
childhood. There are a number of possible reasons for this. The
first one that we're going to talk about is the developmental
absence of masculine role models. This is likely I would
say, in fact, this is, this is way more common than it sounds.
Because of the society that most of us live in. I don't know
where you are in the world. But most societies kind of live in
this similar sort of society where this would have an effect.
Essentially, men born after World War Two grew up during the
only era of recent Western history in which it was not
always a good thing to be male. This was primarily the result of
two significant changes in society, the first being that
boys were disconnected from their fathers and other healthy
male role models. And the second being boys ended up seeking
approval from women and accepting a female perspective
of what it meant to be male. I'm going to explain these in just a
bit. But as a result of these two factors, many boys and men
came to believe that they had to hide or eliminate any negative
masculine traits or just male traits, and become what they
believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this life
strategy seemed essential if they wanted to be loved and fit
in and get their needs met have a smooth life.
So in the years after World War Two, many countries over the
world were undergoing a change in society, from one based
around farming and agriculture, agriculture, to an industrial
manufacturing society. This meant that families migrated to
urban areas. In the USA in 1910, a third of families lived on
farms, but in 1970 96% of families lived in urban areas.
In the past, boys would connect with their fathers by working
alongside them in the fields. This included extended contact
with grandfathers, uncles, cousins, but having all of this
contact with men provided boys with an intimate model of
maleness. They had all the tools they needed to develop and
nourish their inner masculinity in a way that was true to the
nature of their masculinity, instead of trying to change it
or suppress certain aspects. Having extended contact with
masculine role models would encourage the inner masculine
traits of that boy, that boy would grow up comfortable in
that aspect of himself knowing that that part of him is good
enough, just as He is. Bear in mind that this pre war society
wasn't perfect and probably shamed any feminine aspects in
the boy to the goal here is wholeness. The aim is to let a
boy know that it is okay to be just who he is. Each of us has
some masculinity and some femininity for boys. Obviously,
it's usually predominantly masculinity. And if this
masculinity is shamed, or discouraged or just not modeled
very well, then that boy will grow up feeling like he's not
good enough, just as He is. More specifically, that part of him
is not good enough, just as He is. But as families migrated
from farms to cities, the time that fathers spent with their
sons diminished significantly. they'd leave home in the morning
to go to work and not get back until the evening. And that's if
they're still around. Divorce rates tripled from 1940 to 1970.
Boys were most of the time left with their mothers in that case,
because of all of this. Women were left with the job of
letting the boys know that in a masculinity, and all parts of
themselves are okay just as they are. This led to many boys
growing up with a female perspective of masculinity,
which would usually involve some sort of projection of their
opinion on how men should behave, as opposed to
encouraging masculinity in its entirety. Some parts of
masculinity are obviously not appealing to some women, not all
women, but some women. No woman wants their little boy to grow
up to be inconsiderate, or a jerk, or aggressive, or just,
you know, overly competitive. So boys were told to be more
gentle, more caring, calmer, instead of being just as they
are. Of course, it's good to be caring and everything else. But
to feel the need to act in a certain way, in order to be
good, is just like we've talked about it's unequivocally bad to
do that.
Starting in the 60s and 70s, radical feminism projected an
angry generalization about men. Some started to claim that men
were the cause of all the problems in the world. slogans
like men are pigs, and all men are rapists. That obviously
ludicrous but they're also less angry slogans like a woman needs
a man like a fish needs a bicycle. That all combined with
the generally anti male sentiment during this time, that
can actually have a pretty negative effect on men who were
already conditioned to look to women for approval and for
definition, men had to figure out what women wanted to try to
become that in order to be loved to get their needs met. Again,
it's trying to basically to fulfill expectations of how they
should behave, instead of being just as they are. This is what
we spoke about before. And by the way, let's not get lost in
downsides of feminism, right feminism. Fantastic, right?
Women used to be demonized and treated like they were subhuman.
And it's amazing how feminine feminism has changed the world
in a more fair, direction. fairness, justice, and freedom
are all great things to strive for. They are the ultimate
target. The goal is for everyone to grow up in a society that
doesn't impose expectations about what you need to be, but
rather just allows everyone to be just as they are. If you grew
up being told to be something that you're not, you will live
your life, feeling that deep down, you're inadequate. That is
one of the downsides of the society that I grew up in.
Because I grew up thinking it was not okay for me to be just
as I am, because I was told I needed to be more sensitive, be
more gentle, be What Women Want me to be, instead of being me.
This is just another form of inadequacy. Of course, women had
it worse when they were told that no matter what you can't
have a career, you have to stay at home and be a housewife.
Doesn't matter who you are. You can't be like that you need to
act like this. Feminism did really great. But obviously, we
have a way to go until we reach a society that just allows
people to be who they are based on what's in their brain and how
they act, not what's between their legs, because ultimately,
that's an inferior judge of character. And for men like me,
who grew up without the permission to be myself, because
that involve traits of masculinity, which was seen as
bad. We still don't live in that society, where we have the
freedom to be who we really are. What I'm saying is that there
are or there were, well, no, there still are many messages in
society that prevent men from being who they are. Combined
with the disconnection from male role models that resulted from
industrialization. Men had a hard time knowing that it's okay
to just be themselves. Be don't have to be gentle. It's okay to
have masculine traits of competitiveness and sexual
assertiveness. exhibitionism, ego, thirst for experience.
boisterousness power, these can all be good things, but when you
grow up thinking that women don't want these things, it's
hard to believe this. So this is really about reclaiming
masculinity if this really speaks to you, but also, be
careful not to go too far the other way. A it's important to
note that also, some people have the complete opposite of this.
They grew up being told, you know, you can't cry, you can't
show emotions because that's weak. That's not what a real man
does. So be careful with this. Remember, exaggerated
masculinity can be a mask for toxic shame, too. We've seen
this more and more recently, in the growing backlash against
feminism. If you now think that you need to be competitive and
assertive and boisterous to be good, well, then we've not
really come any further than before, there's still no need to
do something to be good. It's a matter of self acceptance. You
don't need to be gentle and sensitive to be good. That
doesn't mean you can't be gentle or sensitive. That doesn't mean
you need to treat women in sensitively to be good. Like
with the nice guy mask, it doesn't mean that you can't be
nice, just means that you don't have to in order to be good. You
don't have to do anything in order to be good.
So how do you find out what you really are? How do you know if
you're being sensitive and gentle for other people? Or
because it's really who you are? How do you know your masculinity
is genuine? Well, if we just think about it, you'll never
know the true answer. Because these societal messages are
buried in the subconscious. Our conscious brain does not know
who we really are. The key can be found in isolation. When we
completely separate ourselves from people for a period of
time, we have no one to impress, and no one to get sympathy from
either. We have total freedom to be just as we are. Takes a lot
of time to find that out. So many periods of isolation can be
necessary. But this can, this can just be as simple as going
somewhere on your own by yourself. Whether it's a week
away, or just a short trip out, it's a good idea to do more
things by yourself. You'll discover who you are, what you
like about yourself and, and what rules you choose to govern
your life. You can also use this as an opportunity to reflect on
yourself and your life direction. But it's Oh, and it's
a good time to practice taking responsibility for your own
needs. Again, because then you won't have to please or
compromise. Just get up when you want go to bed. When you want
decide when and what to eat all by yourself. It's just a really
good idea to spend some time alone. By the way, if you
isolate yourself for too long, you'll lose who you really are.
Because you won't be able to get all your needs met on your own,
you'll develop coping methods and strategies to get your needs
met. This time alone is spent most effectively when you can
observe your tendency to distract yourself with addictive
patterns such as keeping busy or using porn, or food or alcohol
or internet or TV or anything else to medicate. Remember, we
do so many things to be good. Because being bad means being
abandoned and alone. So spending time alone, indirectly addresses
that deep rooted unreasonable subconscious fear of being
alone, you'll learn that nothing bad happens when you're alone.
And if you don't already, it's a good idea to heal this to get
some more face to face time with other men. A lot of guys with
toxic shame and inadequacy they, they don't really spend a lot of
time around other men. Because this is this fetish
specifically, it's kind of related towards women towards
how we act around them. A lot of guys would just prefer spending
time with women. If that's you, then get more time with other
men. You can start out on the internet, but it's really
important to get it face to face eventually, and with groups of
other men to and again, this is just about kind of reclaiming
your masculinity and learning that certain masculine traits
are okay. So from this section, I want you to have just expanded
your awareness of the messages in society and the changes in
society that may have contributed to a sense of
inadequacy or subconscious shame about who we are. There are so
many things in life that tell us that we're not good enough. to
discover who we really are to heal this we can spend more time
alone but like I say not too much so far this has just been
relating to masculinity so now let's take a look at some
additional reasons