WEBVTT

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So as I've just said, it's very
important to give yourself the

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time and attention to meet your
needs. And that's quite easy.

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The hardest part is actually
just connecting with that, and

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finding out what it is that you
need. Because when we're so

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disconnected from ourselves, the
hardest part is just knowing

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what our needs are. So what are
our needs, obviously, it goes

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beyond food, and water, and air,
and shelter, and those kind of

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basic needs. We also need things
like personal security, maybe

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financial security, it could be
a need, or health, well being

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very important needs. We also
need things like autonomy, you

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know, control over our own
lives. Independence, these are

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fundamental human needs. Now on
this slide, I've put a big list

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of needs. And I've chosen these
ones, because they all depend on

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other people to fulfill them.
When we actually work out our

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own needs, we can fulfill most
of them ourselves. But

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everything on this list kind of
depends on other people, to

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fulfill them for us. In the next
section, we're going to learn a

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technique to to get people to
help us meet our needs, and

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basically cooperate with them.
But I just want to go over this

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because there's there's quite a
few kind of traps to fall into.

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The first thing is thinking that
you don't need these. That's a

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potential trap. If you if you
are so disconnected from

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yourself, you might think, you
know, this is a waste of time,

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these are all for weak people.
And that might be the mask of

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excessive masculinity talking,
you might think, Oh, I'd rather

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spend my time productively than
on this. That's the control of

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the basic attachment to work, I
suppose if you'd rather spend

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your time productively than on
this, you might think it's

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selfish to spend your time on
all these things. That might be

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the nice guy mask, thinking
you'd rather spend your time

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caring for other people. So be
careful about all of these

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things. Because deep down, we
all need everything on this

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list. Trying to appear needless
or wants plus is also another

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trap to fall into. Because if
you feel inadequate, you feel

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like you don't deserve to get
your needs met. Therefore, it

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becomes very hard to receive and
to have someone focus on you. We

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are terrible receivers. And this
is most distressing when it

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comes to sex. Because you might
feel like you actually don't

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deserve to have someone focus on
you. In the bedroom, you might

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feel like you don't deserve
intimacy and affection. When was

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the last time you asked your
partner for affection, or touch?

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These are all fundamental needs.
An important note is that for

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those who have a girlfriend or a
wife or a partner, we are

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learning to be attuned to our
own needs. And we're learning to

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accept that our needs matter.
And we're learning to kind of be

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more assertive with this. But
please, just because we have a

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need for sexual pleasure, it
doesn't mean that your

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significant other is responsible
for fulfilling that need. It's

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very easy to become very overly
assertive and overly confident

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with what we want. And then kind
of make someone else do

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something they don't want to do.
So don't take it too far. It's

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okay to have needs. But remember
that you don't depend on one

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specific person to fulfill those
needs. No one has a

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responsibility to meet your
needs. With with women, a lot of

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the time it's common to be
worried about appearing needy.

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So some guys will forego their
own needs in order to not come

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across as needy. They project
this image that they can take

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care of themselves, they don't
need anyone. And this comes from

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fear of seeming needy, but also
just the shame about having

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needs and the disconnection that
results from that. The

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difference between having
healthy human needs and being

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needy is that being needy
involves depending on one

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specific person to fulfill those
needs, implies you wouldn't

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survive without them. So if
you're worried about being

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needy, just bear this in mind,
it's okay to have needs. But you

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don't need to depend on one
specific person to fulfill them

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and you can go elsewhere.
Another thing to watch out for

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is that some of these needs can
be converted into sexuality.

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What that means is basically
when we have this sense of toxic

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shame and we are we so painfully
shamed the core feeling

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ultimately worthless sexual
stimulation and climax is very,

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very pleasurable and it's an all
encompassing pleasure. And this

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pleasure can take the place of
any other need. If you grow up

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feeling this, this bad feeling,
and kind of realizing that

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masturbation may be my might
have been your principal source

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of good feeling. Then now in
adulthood, you may resort to

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masturbation in order to restore
good feelings about yourself, at

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times when you're experiencing
needs quite unrelated to

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sexuality. This is I think this
is known as conversion. And it

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transforms any of the needs into
the need for something else, it

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could be converted into food
instead of sex. A lot of people

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when they meet these things,
they just stuffed their faces,

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as if that's gonna Well, I mean,
it does make them feel good. But

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again, it's just trying to kind
of fill the hole that is created

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by not getting these needs met.
So next time you feel the urge

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to indulge in the fetish, take a
moment to just work out how you

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feel and work out if there are
any needs on this list, or any

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needs not on this list that you
are missing. What we're going to

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work out, work on in the next
section is a process to get

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these needs met. Because as I
say these all depend on other

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people to fulfill them. So make
sure you go through the next

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section and learn this
nonviolent communication. I'll

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see you that