So when we have all of this toxic subconscious Shame, shame
that's been internalized. One of the things to understand is that
this is incredibly painful. In fact, to the subconscious, it's
possibly the most painful thing that you can possibly feel, to
feel like you are inadequate to feel shame about yourself, to
feel that you are different or just not good enough, just as
you are. It's akin to complete failure as a human being, it's
incredibly painful, I think it can be quite hard to actually
understand this truly in the conscious because it's not
entirely logical, but it is so incredibly painful to feel toxic
shame. So when we have this massive, massive pain, we need
ways of dealing with it. As I said before, the subconscious
can eroticized these feelings and turn them into fetishes. And
that is out this fetish forms. But we also have other ways of
dealing with this, the most obvious way of dealing with this
is escapism, ie just basically running away from our feelings,
immersing ourselves in a different world. So something
like TV, or films, or video games, or internet, or books,
all of these things can be ways to just escape from our
feelings. And just, again, immerse ourselves in a different
world, especially with video games, you really do immerse
yourself in a different world, and it can be incredibly
addictive. We also get things like creative pursuits, so
people can form this image that in the future, if there one day,
a famous writer or a famous musician, or whatever, they
whatever they want, then they'll finally be good enough. And this
kind of gives you hope. It gives you the hope that you have some
control over this, right? That you can, you can fix this, I
guess. And that's what John Bradshaw calls a method of
control. Way to control this feeling of toxic shame by
basically giving yourself hope. Giving yourself hope that you
can change this intellectualization is another
method of escapism where you basically just means you think
about everything on a kind of logical level or an analytical
level, you think of everything instead of feeling. In fact,
it's an escape from feeling, to analyze everything, or to be to
think critically, this is all just ways of escaping feeling
and escaping being as well. So watch out for these things. On
to the methods of control and release. Now release, porn is a
release, this fetish is a release. What that means is,
it's a way to if you have this sense of toxic shame, it kind of
comes from this feeling. This feeling that you're not good
enough, just as you are. And it's almost like an acceptance
of that. And then an indulgence in that. So when you feel like
you're not good enough, it's like screw it, I don't care
anymore. You can get into things like overeating. This is a very
common release, where if you believe that you're not good
enough, just as you are, you kind of stop caring, and you can
just stuff your face with whatever you want. Because it
doesn't matter. And on the control side, you'd have things
the Act actually the opposite. Things like dieting and
exercise, if you improve your body, it's like you have some
control. It's like maybe one day, if you improve it enough,
maybe then you'll be good enough. Of course, it doesn't
work like that. As we said, at the end of section one, I think
it was you can never improve to a point where you're good
enough. Because it just doesn't work like that. Working, or
earning money is another control. People get very, very
attached to their careers. Because it's like, if they have
a good career, if it's good enough, maybe they'll be good
enough. If they earn enough money. If they become rich and
successful, maybe then they'll finally be good enough. cleaning
and washing. Again, it's like trying to have some control
trying to be perfect. It's really mental detailing. And
scrupulousness The attention to detail basically trying not to
do anything wrong. These are just ways to have control over
this feeling that you're not good enough, just as you are. On
the more exotic side of things, puritanical, which is having or
at least displaying a very strict moral attitude towards
self indulgence. Again, it's like if if I am so incredibly
stoic that I don't need pleasure. I'm some sort of
superhuman, maybe there won't be good enough. And Agoraphobia is
more of an interesting one, which is the fear of open spaces
or the fear of being in a situation where escape might be
difficult or help wouldn't be available if things go wrong.
And on a more subtle level, it can just be manifested as just
not really wanting to leave the house, just being more
comfortable inside the house and not really wanting to go out of
your comfort zone is very common. Again, if you feel that
you're not good enough, then it can manifest itself as as being
like you can't handle yourself in difficult situations. So
people might avoid things like traveling, because they're just
scared again, this is just a form of agoraphobia, a very
minor form, and psychosomatic illnesses. Very interesting one,
this is an illness, which is in the body, it's a physical
illness, but it's caused by the mind. These are basically
methods of self improvement, at least the top half of these are.
So again, it's the concept of if you improve your and by the way,
I should say, these are great things to do like dieting,
exercise, great, for sure, work hard, definitely, and be clean.
And, you know, do your best to not do anything wrong, but when
it's compulsive, and when it's driven by this toxic shame, it
never ends. You never get to a point where you're good enough.
But also, these are all shame spirals. So the more you diet,
and the more you exercise, or the more you work, and the more
money you earn. And then let's say you earn some money. And
then, of course, it doesn't make you feel any different. Let's
say you get a slightly better body, it doesn't actually make
you feel any different on the subconscious level. This is just
dealing with the conscious level, right. So when you get
these things, and you don't feel any different, well, that just
reinforces the sense that this is part of you, this is a
problem with you. It's because you are inadequate, this just
reinforces the inadequacy, but also control triggers release.
So let's talk about the release. What are the methods of release?
Well, overeating, as I said, and this is in complete contrast to
the other side. But if you just come from this sense of not
being good enough, then you have full excuse to just eat whatever
you want without caring, spending money, or gambling.
This is again, the opposite of earning money. The concept
behind this is that it just feels good to spend money. Even
if you are being very financially irresponsible. It
can feel good that gambling can give you a rush. Things like
just Amazon just going on Amazon is addictive. Because it's as if
you're, you can fill a hole inside you by buying things.
That's the concept behind this, that if you if you buy enough
that if you get some nice clothes, or if you get some nice
gadgets. Or if you get some nice things. Finally, then you'll
have what you want, then you'll find what's missing in your
life, then you'll be good enough. Of course porn comes in
here, it's a way to indulge in this sense of not being good
enough sex also, and all sexual addictions fit in here.
Excitement or emotional addictions, or abuse. Now when I
say abuse, I think abuse is a very strong word. And people
kind of shy away from this. But when I talk about abuse, it can
be things like emotional abuse. A lot of guys will let their
significant others, their spouse, their partners, they
will let them just walk all over them and mistreat them and and
manipulate them or just make them feel really bad. And the
reason why they let this happen is because they have this sense
that they're not good enough just as they are. So they will
let this happen, because they don't believe that they deserve
more really. And it can also manifest itself on the other
side of the abuse sexual spectrum, ie being the abuser.
Again, that can be very soothing to the soul of someone who has
toxic shame.
Righteousness is another very interesting one. It's about just
being right about everything or being right about one particular
topic. So with something like politics or religion, if you
have this feeling that your opinion is correct, Your belief
is correct. And everyone else is wrong. No matter how true that
is. This sense of righteousness is incredibly soothing when you
believe that you're not good enough, because it's like well,
at least you are good enough in that sense. At least you're
right on this topic. Alcohol and drugs, substance abuse is very,
very common in men. This can also be a kind of way of
escapism because you can alter your mind into being almost in a
different world. Drugs also very common. But in this day and age,
we're actually seeing more legal drugs, things like nootropics.
And, and smart drugs, things that can make you either focus
more or have more energy or, or steroids actually can do this
too. Again, this comes from on that side of things, it's like
if you, if you have enough focus, maybe then you'll be
better, maybe then you'll be good enough. And drugs really
are a way of escapism, as well as release. I put pitiful
behavior here. What I mean by this is just anything that draws
attention to yourself in a negative way. Anything that
makes people feel sorry for you or have sympathy for you. This
can be very common actually. And all of these are really methods
of self harm. They are things that are not really conducive to
your growth. There are ways of harming yourself