WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.359 --> 00:00:03.059 So now let's look at the root cause. Obviously, conditioning 2 00:00:03.089 --> 00:00:06.449 does play a role. But it isn't the main role and it doesn't. It 3 00:00:06.449 --> 00:00:10.439 doesn't explain the majority of fetishes and of sexual behavior 4 00:00:10.919 --> 00:00:13.979 that is caused by something else and don't completely ignore 5 00:00:13.979 --> 00:00:17.069 conditioning because it does cause a lot of your feelings and 6 00:00:17.069 --> 00:00:22.469 your associations. And that has an indirect effect. But as I 7 00:00:22.469 --> 00:00:26.669 say, let's explore the root cause. Firstly, let's actually 8 00:00:26.669 --> 00:00:31.829 break down this fetish and look at what parts cause aroused, 9 00:00:31.859 --> 00:00:35.819 look at where the pleasure is actually coming from. Before we 10 00:00:35.819 --> 00:00:40.109 look at what causes that pleasure. So, infidelity, 11 00:00:40.109 --> 00:00:44.399 obviously cheating is the main part of this fetish. There's 12 00:00:44.399 --> 00:00:49.469 also an element of inferiority, which I think is universal. I 13 00:00:49.469 --> 00:00:53.039 think it is an essential part of this fetish. And if it isn't 14 00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:56.849 really there, then it's not the same fetish, but maybe it's just 15 00:00:56.849 --> 00:01:00.719 optional, and sometimes additional humiliation. I mean, 16 00:01:00.719 --> 00:01:03.929 infidelity is humiliating enough. But there's also some 17 00:01:03.959 --> 00:01:08.339 element of verbal humiliation sometimes, too. Those are the 18 00:01:08.339 --> 00:01:12.779 parts that cause arousal. Okay? If you take away those parts, 19 00:01:12.779 --> 00:01:16.439 then it's not the same fetish, and it isn't arousing anymore. 20 00:01:17.009 --> 00:01:23.129 So why do we find those things? Arousing, okay, generally, you 21 00:01:23.129 --> 00:01:27.389 can distill that down into feelings of inadequacy. So, the 22 00:01:27.389 --> 00:01:31.739 idea of infidelity that's only really painful because it makes 23 00:01:31.739 --> 00:01:34.799 you feel like you're not good enough. It makes you feel bad 24 00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:37.949 about yourself. It makes you doubt your self worth being 25 00:01:37.949 --> 00:01:40.589 cheated on is such a painful thing. It's probably the most 26 00:01:40.589 --> 00:01:44.939 painful thing you could experience, possibly, but the 27 00:01:44.939 --> 00:01:48.269 reason why that's painful is because it makes you feel 28 00:01:48.599 --> 00:01:53.669 inadequate or not good enough. Inferiority also quite literally 29 00:01:53.669 --> 00:01:58.799 does the same. And so I kind of simplify this as, as turning 30 00:01:58.799 --> 00:02:01.799 feelings of inadequacy. intersexual pleasure. The 31 00:02:01.829 --> 00:02:06.029 eroticized ation of inadequacy, right making inadequacy become 32 00:02:06.059 --> 00:02:10.079 erotic, instead of being painful, that actually becomes 33 00:02:10.079 --> 00:02:16.079 pleasurable. But why? There have been a number of attempts to 34 00:02:16.079 --> 00:02:21.329 explain this, one of the most popular ones is to protect us 35 00:02:21.569 --> 00:02:24.449 from those feelings. So the brain turns these bad feelings 36 00:02:24.449 --> 00:02:28.559 into pleasure to protect us from feeling them. Another one is 37 00:02:28.559 --> 00:02:34.379 that it helps us to escape from bad feelings about ourselves the 38 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:38.939 pressure to be good enough, by feeling pain, the pain of 39 00:02:38.939 --> 00:02:43.289 humiliation draws our attention away from all these things. Roy 40 00:02:43.289 --> 00:02:47.069 Baumeister calls this the burden of selfhood, the idea that being 41 00:02:47.069 --> 00:02:51.749 a person is a burden. It's a lot of responsibility, right, we all 42 00:02:51.749 --> 00:02:57.029 have lots of different an image to uphold standards to maintain, 43 00:02:57.029 --> 00:03:01.259 we have too many things to the cause a lot of pressure, there's 44 00:03:01.259 --> 00:03:06.269 a pressure to be good enough. And to escape from that. We can 45 00:03:06.269 --> 00:03:11.609 do that with pain. Another idea is that it's a way to affirm 46 00:03:11.609 --> 00:03:15.689 ourselves or to kind of for validation, which is by 47 00:03:15.689 --> 00:03:20.489 confronting our deepest fears, we temporarily overcome them. 48 00:03:20.579 --> 00:03:23.609 That's what happens by reenacting them in a safe 49 00:03:23.639 --> 00:03:28.679 environment where we're, we're kind of, in a way, consenting in 50 00:03:28.679 --> 00:03:31.019 a way. I mean, that's what happens every time you 51 00:03:31.019 --> 00:03:36.029 masturbate, you are doing it consensually. We temporarily 52 00:03:36.029 --> 00:03:40.469 overcome them anyway, that's the point by reenacting, we overcome 53 00:03:40.499 --> 00:03:44.639 them. And that is validating, right that when it's our deepest 54 00:03:44.639 --> 00:03:47.219 fears, and we're confronting them and overcoming them, we're 55 00:03:47.219 --> 00:03:51.599 temporarily finding a lot of affirmation of our self worth. 56 00:03:52.559 --> 00:03:55.079 Doesn't really matter which one of those is true, by the way, 57 00:03:55.079 --> 00:03:58.589 and we can't, we can't actually test this. This isn't something 58 00:03:58.589 --> 00:04:01.499 that we'll ever know the answer to, because you can't test these 59 00:04:01.499 --> 00:04:04.469 theories directly. You can test them indirectly. And they have 60 00:04:04.469 --> 00:04:08.129 done so with that self affirmation theory. And that is, 61 00:04:08.339 --> 00:04:11.369 the theory that has the least holes in it actually does 62 00:04:11.369 --> 00:04:15.719 explain all of sexual desire, not just fetishes. So that's 63 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:18.149 probably the most likely one but it doesn't matter. It doesn't 64 00:04:18.149 --> 00:04:19.949 really matter which one of these is true, because they're 65 00:04:19.949 --> 00:04:22.199 explaining the same thing. They're just different ways of 66 00:04:22.199 --> 00:04:26.159 explaining what's going on. And it doesn't matter which 67 00:04:26.189 --> 00:04:30.209 explanation you look for because they say the same thing that 68 00:04:30.209 --> 00:04:36.539 fetishes turn pain into pleasure for some reason. Okay. So a 69 00:04:36.539 --> 00:04:39.629 quote here that I found from a former dominatrix who says, I 70 00:04:39.629 --> 00:04:42.899 used to get people coming to me for spanking and caning because 71 00:04:42.899 --> 00:04:45.689 they'd received corporal punishment at school, often in a 72 00:04:45.689 --> 00:04:49.229 completely on erotic context that ended up eroticised the 73 00:04:49.229 --> 00:04:52.289 experience as a means of processing the discomfort around 74 00:04:52.289 --> 00:04:55.499 it. So that's a situation where pain is being turned into 75 00:04:55.499 --> 00:04:57.989 pleasure, someone's pain that they've had that they've 76 00:04:57.989 --> 00:05:01.439 experienced in the past that's caused Some sort of deep rooted 77 00:05:01.439 --> 00:05:05.669 emotional feelings or fears of that happening again. And that 78 00:05:05.699 --> 00:05:10.319 is being eroticized turned erotic, turned into sexual 79 00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:13.829 pleasure. sexual fetishes are the brains attempt to work out 80 00:05:13.829 --> 00:05:17.609 trauma woundedness, or some other associations from the past 81 00:05:17.879 --> 00:05:21.149 quite big words, quite harsh words. But I think you get the 82 00:05:21.149 --> 00:05:25.199 point of that. Hidden within your core erotic theme is a 83 00:05:25.199 --> 00:05:27.899 formula for transforming unfinished emotional business 84 00:05:27.899 --> 00:05:30.989 from childhood and adolescence into excitation and pleasure. 85 00:05:31.229 --> 00:05:34.529 Now, childhood is a very important time in our lives, 86 00:05:34.529 --> 00:05:38.519 because that's the time when we are forming our initial ideas 87 00:05:38.819 --> 00:05:41.339 about the way that the world works and the way that we are 88 00:05:41.339 --> 00:05:43.469 and the way that we fit into the world and bear everything. 89 00:05:43.769 --> 00:05:46.589 That's when we learning the most in childhood, we're learning 90 00:05:46.589 --> 00:05:50.879 about everything, our eyes are wide open to the world. And so 91 00:05:51.659 --> 00:05:53.939 we're very vulnerable during that time and very 92 00:05:53.939 --> 00:05:56.489 impressionable, very easily impressionable, anything that 93 00:05:56.489 --> 00:06:00.329 happens in childhood has about 10 times the amount or the the 94 00:06:00.389 --> 00:06:03.839 effect that it would have if it happened later on in your life. 95 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:06.329 Because when we get older, we kind of we know how things work, 96 00:06:06.329 --> 00:06:11.009 we get a bit set in our ways, we already form our beliefs they've 97 00:06:11.009 --> 00:06:14.939 already formed long ago, and we kind of just, we don't learn as 98 00:06:14.939 --> 00:06:17.819 much anymore as we do in childhood, when which is when 99 00:06:17.819 --> 00:06:21.269 we're forming our initial ideas about those things. And if those 100 00:06:21.689 --> 00:06:26.939 ideas make you feel like you might be somehow inadequate, 101 00:06:27.509 --> 00:06:32.699 then that pain, that pain is what gets turned into pleasure 102 00:06:32.939 --> 00:06:36.599 later on in life, Adolescence is kind of the same, because that's 103 00:06:36.599 --> 00:06:40.139 when we're first learning about sex, and about our sexual 104 00:06:40.139 --> 00:06:43.469 experiences. And, and those ideas that formed during those 105 00:06:43.469 --> 00:06:50.039 times are as important as in childhood. So anything that 106 00:06:50.039 --> 00:06:52.619 happens in those times when we're the most vulnerable, the 107 00:06:52.619 --> 00:06:55.829 most impressionable that has a larger effect. And it's good to 108 00:06:55.829 --> 00:06:59.339 look towards those times. If you're examining yourself, it's 109 00:06:59.339 --> 00:07:02.459 good to look towards those times to kind of get an idea of, of 110 00:07:02.459 --> 00:07:08.759 your own inner pain, and fears and feelings. fetishes form as a 111 00:07:08.759 --> 00:07:11.849 way to protect us from that same emotional pain to disconnect 112 00:07:11.849 --> 00:07:15.119 from the pain and turn it into pleasure, we can be protected 113 00:07:15.449 --> 00:07:20.669 from the hurtful feelings it may trigger. So same idea really. So 114 00:07:21.059 --> 00:07:25.559 to summarize this, essentially fetishes form, firstly, from 115 00:07:25.559 --> 00:07:31.109 deep rooted fears and emotions. And secondly, a general not 116 00:07:31.109 --> 00:07:34.379 feeling good enough. Now, to explain that, I would have to go 117 00:07:34.379 --> 00:07:39.059 into the self affirmation or validation theory in a little 118 00:07:39.059 --> 00:07:43.739 bit more detail. The idea about pleasure is the pleasure forms 119 00:07:44.009 --> 00:07:48.569 as a an evolutionary survival mechanism, really pleasure is 120 00:07:48.569 --> 00:07:52.259 what drives us to engage in behaviors that benefit the 121 00:07:52.259 --> 00:07:55.559 survival of the human race. Okay, so the reason why 122 00:07:55.619 --> 00:08:01.709 chocolate is pleasurable, or cake is because in you know, as 123 00:08:02.309 --> 00:08:06.209 a long, long time ago, those calories would have been 124 00:08:06.479 --> 00:08:10.349 beneficial to our survival, we needed them. Okay, we needed 125 00:08:10.349 --> 00:08:13.169 them to survive. So we find a lot of pleasure from high 126 00:08:13.169 --> 00:08:18.599 calorie foods. For that reason, it's a survival mechanism. One 127 00:08:18.599 --> 00:08:22.019 of the reasons why we find pleasure from sex is because 128 00:08:22.019 --> 00:08:24.869 that benefits the survival of the human race, obviously, we 129 00:08:24.869 --> 00:08:27.869 need to find that pleasurable so that we have some sort of drive 130 00:08:27.869 --> 00:08:33.779 to engage in it. Now, fetishes are also a survival mechanism. 131 00:08:34.229 --> 00:08:38.519 What they do is that, through this self affirmation theory or 132 00:08:38.519 --> 00:08:43.229 this validation theory, they let us know in some way that 133 00:08:43.229 --> 00:08:46.949 whatever fears that we perceive to be in the way of our 134 00:08:46.949 --> 00:08:51.089 survival, whatever feelings that we may have about ourselves and 135 00:08:51.089 --> 00:08:55.769 about our ability to act in this world, we can overcome them, 136 00:08:56.399 --> 00:09:01.439 through fetishes. And by doing that, we kind of affirm that we 137 00:09:01.439 --> 00:09:05.399 are good enough to survive and to pass on our genes by 138 00:09:05.429 --> 00:09:09.299 overcoming these fears, these emotions, these obstacles in the 139 00:09:09.299 --> 00:09:12.779 way of life, we get a sense that we aren't good enough anyway. 140 00:09:13.499 --> 00:09:17.219 Those are all the result of past experiences, okay, these fears 141 00:09:17.219 --> 00:09:19.109 and emotions and this not feeling good enough. Now, 142 00:09:19.109 --> 00:09:19.739 generally, I 143 00:09:19.740 --> 00:09:22.200 believe that there's not feeling good enough actually underlies 144 00:09:22.230 --> 00:09:25.650 all fetishes, okay, and it doesn't have to be necessarily 145 00:09:25.650 --> 00:09:29.040 not feeling good enough. It can just be doubts about your 146 00:09:29.220 --> 00:09:32.730 ability to be good enough, and everyone has some sort of doubts 147 00:09:32.730 --> 00:09:37.440 or fears about not being good enough at some point. And that I 148 00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:41.070 believe underlies all fetishes, but particularly, it's these 149 00:09:41.070 --> 00:09:44.100 deep rooted fears and emotions that we know underlie the 150 00:09:44.100 --> 00:09:49.080 specific fetishes. So someone with a fear of powerlessness 151 00:09:49.560 --> 00:09:52.140 would have eventually develop some sort of fetish around the 152 00:09:52.140 --> 00:09:56.790 concept of powerlessness, either by being made to be powerless 153 00:09:56.790 --> 00:09:59.970 themselves, which would be a fetish for being tied up by 154 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:05.100 cups. Or one of the other ways that this can be eroticized is 155 00:10:05.100 --> 00:10:09.600 by acting that upon someone else, which is kind of sadism. 156 00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:12.900 It's the sadistic angle of making someone else feel 157 00:10:12.900 --> 00:10:16.050 powerless. And that would be another way to overcome these 158 00:10:16.050 --> 00:10:20.400 fears and emotions. But generally, fetishes turn pain 159 00:10:20.400 --> 00:10:25.320 into pleasure, okay? Now instead focusing on pain, what you 160 00:10:25.320 --> 00:10:30.180 should do is to first focus on pleasure. So find the particular 161 00:10:30.180 --> 00:10:35.730 bits of pleasure that arouse you pinpoint them, and then identify 162 00:10:35.910 --> 00:10:40.080 the pain behind them. It's a very individual thing, because 163 00:10:40.260 --> 00:10:43.860 different people find different things arousing, right? And 164 00:10:43.860 --> 00:10:46.470 particularly when it comes to this fetish. There are so many 165 00:10:46.740 --> 00:10:49.920 different elements, elements that you might find arousing. I 166 00:10:49.920 --> 00:10:54.150 mean, some people get more aroused by the humiliation 167 00:10:54.180 --> 00:10:57.000 aspect, they might, there might be some sort of element of small 168 00:10:57.000 --> 00:11:00.570 penis humiliation that's quite common or some, some people get 169 00:11:00.570 --> 00:11:04.140 off on denial. You know, I've definitely there's some sort of 170 00:11:04.140 --> 00:11:07.230 thing about chastity that kind of overlaps with this fetish. 171 00:11:07.230 --> 00:11:11.070 And anyway, different people find different things arousing, 172 00:11:11.640 --> 00:11:16.050 you need to find the specific things that arouse you, that 173 00:11:16.050 --> 00:11:20.670 turn you on. Okay, pinpoint the exact things that turn you on. 174 00:11:21.330 --> 00:11:26.160 And then look for the pain behind that. So see if you can 175 00:11:26.310 --> 00:11:30.150 take that, that extremely pleasurable, orgasmic 176 00:11:30.180 --> 00:11:34.950 experience, okay? And try and see that as someone else would 177 00:11:34.950 --> 00:11:38.910 see it, try and see that in a different light, see it from the 178 00:11:38.910 --> 00:11:43.650 perspective of someone else, and then take it out of the sexual 179 00:11:43.650 --> 00:11:48.600 context. And just imagine it in real life. Okay, so if it's 180 00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:52.290 about chastity, then it's about denial. Really, it's about being 181 00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:58.230 denied sex, try and see that just in life connects with the 182 00:11:58.230 --> 00:12:02.190 pain behind that. And that's a good way of identifying your own 183 00:12:02.190 --> 00:12:07.170 individual, deep rooted fears and emotions and beliefs. So, 184 00:12:07.620 --> 00:12:10.620 for this fetish, the project fears or fears of infidelity, 185 00:12:11.190 --> 00:12:15.960 promiscuity, or of female sexuality, sluttiness, that can 186 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:20.520 be quite painful for some people, humiliation, inferiority 187 00:12:20.550 --> 00:12:26.040 being excluded, sometimes male competition, denial, any other 188 00:12:26.280 --> 00:12:29.640 part of the Fetish that would usually be painful, is where you 189 00:12:29.640 --> 00:12:33.840 should look to identify the pain that is being turned into 190 00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:38.700 pleasure. And by doing that, you will understand your own sexual 191 00:12:38.700 --> 00:12:44.280 desires in a lot more detail. So I generally refer to all of this 192 00:12:44.700 --> 00:12:48.330 as subconscious inadequacy. Everything can be kind of 193 00:12:48.330 --> 00:12:53.100 distilled down to this. The root cause of the Fetish is the pain 194 00:12:53.100 --> 00:12:57.420 that the Fetish involves. So look for the pain, and then kind 195 00:12:57.420 --> 00:13:01.620 of see what if you can apply that to your life and see if you 196 00:13:01.620 --> 00:13:05.970 can apply that to the pain that might be inside of you. So maybe 197 00:13:05.970 --> 00:13:10.680 it's a fear of infidelity, more than most people, the lack of a 198 00:13:10.680 --> 00:13:14.760 sense of security in relationships. Sometimes that's 199 00:13:14.760 --> 00:13:17.460 caused by fears of female promiscuity and sometimes it's 200 00:13:17.460 --> 00:13:21.270 called by sexual insecurity, fears of having low sexual 201 00:13:21.270 --> 00:13:25.350 ability, attitudes towards penis size, or even just general 202 00:13:25.350 --> 00:13:31.140 insecurity. Sometimes, a lot of this can be created, just by 203 00:13:31.140 --> 00:13:34.920 watching a lot of porn. Porn makes you place a 204 00:13:35.160 --> 00:13:41.190 disproportionate emphasis on sex, you start to see women more 205 00:13:41.190 --> 00:13:46.290 as sex objects. This makes you care much more about a woman's 206 00:13:46.290 --> 00:13:49.590 sex life, you place a lot of emphasis on their sex life and 207 00:13:49.590 --> 00:13:53.640 much less on them. You start to think that sex is very 208 00:13:53.640 --> 00:13:58.830 important. You worry about being good enough at sex, and 209 00:13:59.460 --> 00:14:02.550 especially when compared to your partner's previous lovers. 210 00:14:02.550 --> 00:14:06.960 That's a lot of pain. You worry so much about your partner being 211 00:14:06.990 --> 00:14:12.270 unsatisfied with sex, or you know, secretly wanting more than 212 00:14:12.270 --> 00:14:18.570 you and I'm considering leaving you because of sex. It's hard to 213 00:14:18.570 --> 00:14:23.250 imagine that sex might not matter that much to them. Right 214 00:14:23.250 --> 00:14:30.210 that might be quite at contradiction to your fears, and 215 00:14:30.210 --> 00:14:34.290 your feelings and your beliefs that are inside of you. It might 216 00:14:34.290 --> 00:14:38.400 be contradictory to imagine that sex might not matter that much. 217 00:14:38.460 --> 00:14:45.000 And truthfully, if we're being serious, I mean, women really 218 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:50.910 don't care as much about sex as men. And I'm kind of only really 219 00:14:50.910 --> 00:14:54.420 talking to the straight males who are watching this. But 220 00:14:54.450 --> 00:14:58.800 that's true men focus on sex at the expense of the rest of the 221 00:14:58.800 --> 00:15:02.820 relationship. to a ridiculous extent, if a woman complains 222 00:15:02.820 --> 00:15:05.730 that the man doesn't spend enough time with her, the man 223 00:15:05.730 --> 00:15:08.430 thinks that's code for not lasting long enough in bed. I 224 00:15:08.430 --> 00:15:12.480 mean, we do really have a lot of a lot of insecurities that can 225 00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:17.280 be caused by porn. Do you think that all women want to be 226 00:15:17.280 --> 00:15:21.360 submissive, for example, and he doubt your ability to be 227 00:15:21.360 --> 00:15:24.780 dominant? And do you equate that to being good enough? That's 228 00:15:24.780 --> 00:15:28.110 another insecurity, which can cause fears of sexual 229 00:15:28.110 --> 00:15:32.910 inadequacy. And that can be caused by porn to some men are 230 00:15:32.910 --> 00:15:36.690 particularly aroused by the element of small penis 231 00:15:36.690 --> 00:15:39.510 humiliation. Sometimes I get emails from people who don't 232 00:15:39.510 --> 00:15:42.930 hesitate to tell me in the first line of their email that they 233 00:15:42.930 --> 00:15:45.780 don't actually have a small penis, but they do find that 234 00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:48.900 arousing. Well, that's because you don't need to have a small 235 00:15:48.900 --> 00:15:52.590 penis to get aroused by small penis humiliation, you just need 236 00:15:52.590 --> 00:15:55.950 to have the fears, feelings, thoughts and beliefs, the fear 237 00:15:55.980 --> 00:16:01.380 of someone having a small penis the concept of someone being 238 00:16:01.380 --> 00:16:06.150 humiliated for their penis size. That is what's the that's the 239 00:16:06.150 --> 00:16:08.520 pain that's being turned into pleasure. And that can just come 240 00:16:08.520 --> 00:16:12.270 from the belief that penis size matters a lot, as opposed to the 241 00:16:12.270 --> 00:16:16.110 belief that your own penis is small. It's caused by resonating 242 00:16:16.320 --> 00:16:20.640 with pain around the idea of having a small penis, which you 243 00:16:20.640 --> 00:16:23.400 can do even if you don't have a small penis. Similarly, someone 244 00:16:23.400 --> 00:16:26.340 who does have a small penis but doesn't really care that much 245 00:16:26.520 --> 00:16:29.550 won't get aroused by the concept of small penis humiliation 246 00:16:29.550 --> 00:16:32.670 because they don't have that pain, which fetishes turn into 247 00:16:32.670 --> 00:16:36.840 pleasure. Okay, fetishes often don't have anything to do with 248 00:16:36.870 --> 00:16:40.590 us. They're to do with our fears and feelings, which are often 249 00:16:40.590 --> 00:16:44.490 completely unrelated to our real lives. And they're occasionally 250 00:16:44.490 --> 00:16:47.220 completely irrational. That's what I'm going to talk about in 251 00:16:47.220 --> 00:16:52.260 the next section. Some sometimes saying all of these sort of 252 00:16:52.260 --> 00:16:55.770 things can be caused by porn generally, or by different 253 00:16:55.770 --> 00:16:59.550 things that you go through in your life. Start to question 254 00:16:59.760 --> 00:17:03.660 exactly how they formed. If you do have any of these, and like I 255 00:17:03.660 --> 00:17:06.510 say, it's gonna be different for everyone. Some people have fears 256 00:17:06.510 --> 00:17:11.790 of neglect being excluded. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, 257 00:17:11.910 --> 00:17:17.400 do you feel excluded in life? Do you feel different from everyone 258 00:17:17.400 --> 00:17:21.990 else? Do you feel left out? Do you feel left out when you 259 00:17:21.990 --> 00:17:24.540 masturbate? For example? Do you have shame around masturbation 260 00:17:24.540 --> 00:17:27.810 and sexuality? Do you feel like you're, you're alone 261 00:17:27.810 --> 00:17:30.720 masturbating at home while everyone else is having fun and 262 00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:33.960 having sex? That's how some people feel. And obviously, 263 00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:37.200 that's a very painful topic. That's an area of a lot of pain. 264 00:17:37.800 --> 00:17:41.880 But of course, you know, the truth is, everyone masturbates 265 00:17:41.880 --> 00:17:46.080 people with this, this fear and this feeling think that 266 00:17:46.110 --> 00:17:49.320 masturbation is wrong, and that they should be doing something 267 00:17:49.320 --> 00:17:52.680 else. They haven't accepted that it's normal to masturbate. And, 268 00:17:53.160 --> 00:17:57.270 you know, I get a lot of that that's very common. So, you 269 00:17:57.270 --> 00:18:01.110 know, they make these negative interpretations where, in their 270 00:18:01.110 --> 00:18:05.280 mind they become a loser simply for masturbating? Do you have 271 00:18:05.280 --> 00:18:10.200 any thoughts like this? If so, start to question, a fear of 272 00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:14.700 betrayal, or breaking trust, again, more than most. So if 273 00:18:14.700 --> 00:18:17.700 you've been cheated on in the past, then obviously that's 274 00:18:17.700 --> 00:18:21.240 going to create this, this fear, if you have had some sort of 275 00:18:21.240 --> 00:18:25.560 experiences of having your trust just broken them again, that's 276 00:18:25.560 --> 00:18:29.850 what can cause being aroused by that perhaps a fear of male 277 00:18:29.850 --> 00:18:35.520 competition or of emasculation. And just a fear or sense of not 278 00:18:35.520 --> 00:18:39.360 being good enough, which causes and facilitates all other fears. 279 00:18:39.360 --> 00:18:42.810 That's the important point that I want to make, okay? All of 280 00:18:42.810 --> 00:18:48.780 these different individual fears are only really around because 281 00:18:48.780 --> 00:18:53.850 of a general sense, or a fear of not being good enough, just as 282 00:18:53.850 --> 00:18:57.390 you are. That's what kind of creates all these individual 283 00:18:57.390 --> 00:18:59.850 fears, because you kind of look for the outlet for that 284 00:18:59.850 --> 00:19:03.480 you look for the excuse for that. So that's going to be the 285 00:19:03.480 --> 00:19:07.620 focus of this course. For now. What I want you to do is to 286 00:19:07.620 --> 00:19:12.000 start to question these things. Firstly, start to look at what 287 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:15.210 exactly it is that you find arousing, because that's the 288 00:19:15.210 --> 00:19:20.070 first step. Look at what turns you want the most. Okay? Then 289 00:19:20.520 --> 00:19:26.220 connect with the pain behind that. Really try and, and, and 290 00:19:26.220 --> 00:19:30.960 feel that pain, feel it from someone else's perspective, 291 00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:33.510 because otherwise, it's just going to be arousing, right 292 00:19:33.540 --> 00:19:36.990 feeling from someone else's perspective. And then take that 293 00:19:36.990 --> 00:19:40.890 pain out of a sexual context. Look at it just as the pain in 294 00:19:40.890 --> 00:19:48.450 life, not just in that sexual scenario. Once you've really got 295 00:19:48.450 --> 00:19:54.180 a clear image of that pain in life, then you can start to to 296 00:19:54.180 --> 00:19:57.450 examine that in more detail, you'll naturally start to 297 00:19:57.450 --> 00:20:01.140 question it. Start to question how rational All it is start to 298 00:20:01.140 --> 00:20:04.380 question how much it makes sense. And that will generally 299 00:20:04.380 --> 00:20:08.460 kind of eliminate those things. And it's also useful to see if 300 00:20:08.460 --> 00:20:12.270 you can find how that might have have been caused in the first 301 00:20:12.270 --> 00:20:15.600 place. If you can examine your past experiences, see if you can 302 00:20:15.600 --> 00:20:19.380 examine what makes you feel that way. And then that will 303 00:20:19.380 --> 00:20:22.560 generally break it down. So that's how you deal with these 304 00:20:22.560 --> 00:20:27.480 individual fears that determine the direction of your fetish, 305 00:20:27.480 --> 00:20:31.830 but like I say, generally, all of this is caused by this 306 00:20:31.860 --> 00:20:35.700 underlying fear or sense of inadequacy, and that's what 307 00:20:35.700 --> 00:20:37.830 we're going to be examining in this course.